This is 40.
Well here we are. The last day of my 30’s. This is really happening, isn’t it? I typically never have any issue with getting older –as wise people have reminded us, it is a privilege not everyone is blessed with. But this birthday feels different. Maybe because it’s such a big one. Maybe because when I say “40” I still picture people much older and wiser than me. “Forty” sounds like an honest to goodness GROWN UP, and yet I still feel like I’m on my way to becoming one. Still trying to create my family, learn how to parent, be a business woman, boss, daughter and friend. I feel like forty year olds do or should have that all nailed down by now. So I very much do not FEEL like I’m forty.
I’ve achieved much more career wise than I thought I would by this age- a design firm of five people, two books- one NY Times best-seller, two product lines (and counting, fingers crossed) and I once even got to hug Oprah after speaking at her conference. I mean, it’s OPRAH. Not too shabby.
But my 30’s were tumultuous to say the least. Filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows. Obviously giving birth to Henry was the ultimate gift, and watching him grow has been the honor of a lifetime. It’s like Christmas morning every single day when I see his rumpled hair and sleepy smile when he gets up and calls out “mommy”. But, as many of you know, giving him a sibling has been the most brutal struggle I’ve experienced in life. With five miscarriages in the last 3 years, my body and mind have been to hell and back. All the drugs, pregnancies, surgeries, tests, needles… all of it has taken a toll. I sense my road is coming to an end, at least in growing my family this particular way. Or at all. Two weeks ago we did one final IVF round- and it was far more brutal than when I last did it at 35. But luckily we got 23 eggs, 12 fertilized and we now have three 5-day old embryos being genetically tested. After all my losses, we (and our doctor) decided it was the best thing to do. I should get those results any day now. And I’m terrified. If they are all abnormal we have some really hard decisions to make. If there are any normal ones, the fight continues.
I had a dream the other night that I gave birth to another baby, and the relief I felt in that dream that this journey, this BATTLE, was over and we were complete was incomparable. It was such a feeling of peace, release, freedom. This burden has been a heavy one, and it’s made me a different person. My body doesn’t feel like mine- it’s been pregnant or getting ready to get pregnant or losing a pregnancy consistently for the last three years. And I crave getting back to feeling like it’s just me inhabiting my skin, when I can take deep breaths and sleep peacefully. When I’m not manipulating it in one way or another or thinking about it on such incredibly negative terms. And to have to do photoshoots of myself while feeling this way has been really stressful. I feel the need to do it, not only because people request it or its part of contracts I’ve signed, but also to keep up with the social media/blogging world. I was looking at some images from the blog the other day and saw one and thought “I was having a miscarriage DURING that shoot” and another one “I was pregnant in this picture and no one knew”. I can see the pain and strain in my eyes, and it’s hard to look at. And yet my inner monologue keeps telling me I need to do more, more, more.
To be blunt, I’m so fucking tired. I’d be tired if this infertility battle was the only thing I had going on, never mind parenting a toddler and working full time. Finding “me” time has been hard, and rare. I try to go to the gym, take walks, do a little yoga- but my mind is typically elsewhere- making lists of what I need to do next, who I need to take care of before myself. Andrew looked at me during our trip this past weekend (which had moments of totally blissful relaxation) and said “it’s really hard to be you, isn’t it”. And I cried. I harbor too much stress. More than I should. I shoulder a lot, and it’s time to figure out how I can do that less. How I can ENJOY more. I freaking 40 years old, time to start having a little fun.
So I’ve made some resolutions for myself. I do feel like my 40’s will be a great decade– one of acceptance and growth. And hopefully finding some peace, baby or not.
ME TIME
Real me time. I always don’t want to do this because I never want to miss a minute with Henry when I’m not working, but I need it to be the best mom I can be. Once a month even- just a few hours to do something totally just for me. Maybe it’s picking up a paint brush again. Maybe it’s going shopping with no agenda (because when I have alone time on the weekend now it’s doing everyone’s returns and going to the grocery store or something). Maybe it’s getting a facial or a massage. Or go to a museum. Just something that isn’t something I NEED to do but WANT to do.
GET BACK IN TOUCH PHYSICALLY
I started taking some pilates classes and they have made me a little less nervous to try other classes. I need to get back into yoga. I need to get a trainer for a couple months to help me make a plan that works for my body and my goals. Exercise really helps with my mood and anxiety, and it has to become a priority. Not to necessarily change my shape but to FEEL better in my skin.
SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS
Why is it so hard to just meet up with a girlfriend for a glass of wine? Ugh, so many excuses. Enough.
MORE TIME IN NATURE
My therapist said that there have been tons of studies that show spending time in nature really positively affects your mental health. And it’s such a good thing to do with Henry- hikes, parks, farms, the beach…. we just need to do more than go to the playground. I also just started a sentence with “my therapist said…” OY.
WEAR COMFORTABLE UNDERWEAR
Yup. I ordered a ton of bikini style underwear because damn it, I’m 40 and I’m sick of thongs all the time. There, I said it.
LET GO OF THE WORRY
This one is a big one, and one I’ve struggled with for my whole life. I worry about EVERYTHING. From Henry and his general wellbeing at all times to catching necrotizing fasciitis (or a number of other ailments) all the way down to freaking out if I’m running late and if some rando on the internet hates me. My mantra needs to be “Worrying about something bad happening either makes you miserable twice or once for no reason- neither help”
MORE JOY
I have SO much to be happy about. And grateful for. I want to try to focus each day on all the things that bring me joy and really take them in. Slow down a little and pay attention to the good, which is often harder to notice than the bad.
LESS GUILT
I feel bad about everything, all the time. I need to stop that garbage. Stop feeling badly that I work. Or for having that second glass of wine (or third). For skipping a children’s birthday party. For focusing on myself and protecting my emotions. For not being able to have this baby. For sometimes screwing up at work. For leaving early to do something for myself. For sometimes hating the way my husband sneezes. For not walking my dogs enough. For not doing more social media. For doing too MUCH social media.
In summary, my 40’s is about letting go a little. Ease up the white-knuckle grip I’ve had on the control in my life.
It’s time.
It’s time to enjoy the hell out of this awesome life I’ve got.
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Yaaaassss! You’re not alone!! Tired of worrying too much and the guilt too!! Great post!
What an honest & powerful post. Emotional, inspiring and funny at the same time. Thanks so much for it. Letting go is great :) Good luck with that and happy birthday! (big 40 creeping on me as well)
Stress burns up magnesium. It’s the master mineral and it controls most things in the human body. We just don’t get enough. Anxiety is a real symptom when you are lacking it. Look at the pico ionized liquid magnesium. I wont say the brand name. Or take magnesium glycinate in capsule form. It really helps my husband and I. I often say to my beloved ‘it’s hard being you’. We have one son, Johnny, born when I was 43. He’s nearly 16 now. When he gets caught up in puberty I give him magnesium too. He’s a well adjusted only child. A good Kiwi. Good luck. I hope you get what you so badly want, but if you don’t, it will still be OK. Families come in all shapes and sizes. X
[…] was moved by Erin Gates’ recent post on turning 40 and then — in the fortuitous way in which reading fortifies and amplifies life — found […]
Happy birthday Erin! Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I too have had 4 miscarriages and done 4 rounds of ivf. My son is the same age as Henry and we want to give him a sibling. I recently found two women that have changed my life: Aimee Raupp and Molly Nichols. Both fertility gurus, they have changed my entire outlook and done what years of therapy could not. Please look them up I KNOW you will love them both. You dreamt about your baby and your baby is already coming! It might not be through the way you imagined but they will come :)
Thank you for being you, Erin. Simple as that. xo
Happy Birthday Erin! I think you kick ass and I don’t even know you…well, I mean, if I saw you on the street I’d feel like I know you but I’d be a total creep! You are inspiring and so fun to follow. Thank you!!
Happy Birthday!!!! From an old friend.
We meet back in our teen years, those confusing year of finding yourself. I am extremely happy to see your great success in life. I also turned 40 this year and experienced 2 miscarriages in my 30s. May you lay back and enjoy your successes in your 40s. You did all the hard work, now it is time to enjoy it and the rest will fall into place.
All The Best!!!!
This blog breaks my heart Erin. You are so gifted and so blessed and yet all I sense is angst and stress. Please make it a point to follow your new resolutions. Be grateful for all you have and all you’ve done and stop wanting more, more, more. In the end, it’s just stuff, busy is overrated, and most importantly, one child makes a perfect family.
Man I could have totally written this. I am 44 now and I am starting to get it. The constant worry and things that need to be done. I just outsourced doing the laundry. You will get there.
I am turning 40 this weekend. Thank you for making it a little less scary (I have a lot of apprehension about this birthday, too). In my head at various times I have said things to myself very similar to the resolutions you committed to print. Seeing them in print and hearing from another new-40 somehow makes them more valid. Thank you now and 2+ months from now when I need a reminder. And happy birthday!
Thank you for sharing these personal thoughts because so many of us out there are having or have had the exact same ones. And we women should talk about all of this more because we all need support! I will be 44 this month and so far, the 40’s have been my favorite years. I hope that is the same experience for you.
Happy birthday! Pleased to hear about your ivf results. Fingers crossed your rainbow baby is there. After a few losses my doc suggested an endometrial receptivity assessment (era) and found that my window of transfer was slightly off. Did you get tested for this? Made a huge difference after 3 losses—changed my time and got pregnant. Food for thought.
Loved this list and certainly will be adopting some of your principles. Best of luck.
Happy Birthday! This is a fabulous list and shows how ready you are for your 40s. And I say this as someone who is a decade older. Your 40’s are when you look great (you do!) and know enough about life to weather anything. That means just what you said- making time for yourself, focusing on the things you can control, and enjoying what you have. I wish you a great decade ahead!
Happy Birthday! Thank you for this post. As tears stream down my face I think we all can relate to this so so much! It’s really hard trying to juggle it all. Thank you for your honesty and sending good thoughts your way!
Happy Birthday Erin, I wish you true peace on your 40th birthday. As others have said, it’s a great decade. I have followed you since that first Boston Globe magazine spread until now. Wow, you have accomplished so much. It’s impressive by almost any standard. I read your turning-40 post, saw the pics from Napa and Andrews toast about perfectionism on Instagram last night. Perfection isn’t really attainable and you light miss so much along the way. Enjoy all of your blessings and success. What you have accomplished already is more than enough. Be easy on yourself. Enjoy each day.
Wishing you the best as you embark on this new decade. I am starring down 40 myself. After a long infertility struggle I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant with my donor egg miracle. Sometimes the journey isn’t what we expect it to be but it makes us who we are. Peace is my birthday wish for you.
Happy Birthday Erin! What a wonderful set of goals — I’m going to keep this list around to remind me of what matters. You are an inspiration to your fans!
Erin, as I read your post I was overtaken by emotion, your courage in sharing your inner thoughts are extraordinary. Please know all my positive energy goes out to you to be able to really accomplish what you have written, you will love yourself and appreciate life more by slowing it down some, difficult to do but doable. I do not read a lot of blogs but yours have inspired me! Thank you!
Erin,
This post touched me like no other. Wishing you health, peace and happiness today. Happy Birthday!
Happy 40th birthday! Thank you for caring about others by sharing intimate pieces of your life. I am always amazed at how graciously some people will let others see their vulnerability, it is a beautiful gift to the world. You are one of these special people.
Best wishes for peace, joy, and surprises in the years to come. Blessings
It’s funny to me that I feel the same way about many of the same things you talk about at age 40 at age 67 ! You described the life of someone who cares deeply. We are who we are , we know what it takes to feel good about ourselves . Very often that good feeling comes from making others happy . Yes. , balance is a challenge . Some days we are campions and other days not so much. We are strong women who want all that life has to offer , we deserve it and work hard at it. You’re doing amazing, you’re an inspiration, a joy and a comfort. My favorite blogger. Happy Birthday with all the best wishes.
Happy Birthday, Erin! Balance is a tough but it’s so important to make time for yourself. I hope your forties are fantastic and fabulous.
I learned the very hardest way that control over most things is just an illusion. But an illusion that makes us feel safe – especially people like us that have control issues. So loosen the white knuckle grip – it will be good for you!
Your resolutions are so good. I especially like the nature one. A very good thing – spending time outdoors. And travel is another good thing for us worriers. Completely on board with the underwear situation.
So yeah, welcome to the middle ages…..
Love this! Happy Birthday!
Happy happy day Erin! You have learned so much. Such great lessons. You have gone through some much and you have made it count. As a 64-year-old with four kids, seven grandkids a 40 year marriage and lung cancer survivor all the wisdom can be summed up in your last sentence. You are right on! We only get one true life.
Love it! 40 looms for me in October and your checklist/goals are perfect…life feels like I’m just dashing from one thing to the next on repeat. Best of luck to us all who are just so tired. :)
Happy 40th Birthday! I hope all your birthday hopes and dreams come true ✨And a big THANK YOU for being so open and for your willingness to share with us not just the good but also the struggles that you are facing. It’s a good reminder for all of us to practice gratitude, find joy and to just let go a little. 💛
Happy birthday! Look how much you have survived, and (dare I say it) even managed to THRIVE through to make An incredible career and beautiful family to enjoy and love. But dear Lord, it’s a lot of work! There isn’t a single woman who doesn’t go through this kind of stress. I don’t write this to trivialize what you’ve been through, but to tell you you aren’t alone. It’s such a great moment when you decide to change things up. Having started this process last year (doing less, laughing more, and having more new experiences were my goals) I have to tell you it’s not going to be easy, not just the making time and finding energy part. But the feelings Of letting someone down or sacrificing something you should be doing for this is going to be very uncomfortable, and it’s going to want you to go back to the old ways of doing things. I’ve been through that A LOT and still keep going through it (hello, First Ladies only trip!), but it’s really important you don’t allow yourself to give up on this new change you want for yourself. I came across a great quote somewhere (I wish I could remember the correct source!) and the quote was this, “Chose the bigger life.” I’ve used this every time I start to worry and stress and it’s been an incredible gift. Sometimes it means simple things: be in the moment(instead of making internal lists), try a new recipe, go to park instead of staying in, etc. But sometimes it’s meant a lot more: like traveling to far flung places with very small kids, and allowing things to fall apart without beating myself up about it (which is really hard when you have perfectionist tendencies). So on this birthday, I am going to wish this for you, “ CHOSE THE BIGGER LIFE.” your blog has been such a source of inspiration for me and all of your readers, I hope this new decade is the same for you.
HBD & thank you for your honesty, so many of us can relate completely! As a 42yo, I can share that I’ve found it to be not as bad as I feared, and actually sort of empowering. There’s no time or patience for other people’s BS, and I feel much more confident sharing my views and feelings. We’ve lived some life at this point, let’s speak up and be heard. Someone will always disagree, but that shouldn’t stop us, and I hope it doesn’t stop you, as I truly appreciate when you speak out on issues you’re passionate about, though I know it cannot be easy to deal with the people who tell you to stay in your lane (I call BS on that!). One recommendation for helping with your resolutions-I recently read the most amazing book, Joyful by Ingrid Fetell Lee, which has the best ideas for adding elements of joy and fun and “me time” into your everyday life. The insights on joyful design are particularly interesting and awesome. Ingrid blogs at https://www.aestheticsofjoy.com/ with lots of free resources and @aestheticsofjoy on IG. It has totally changed my focus from trying to “find more happiness” which is so vague and hard to pin down, to recognizing and creating joyful moments, which can happen every day. Have a fabulous first year in your forties!
Happy Birthday! You’ve got this! Enjoy!!💗
Congratulations! You made it to 40 and you made a bunch of tough decisions. Why the hell were you still wearing thongs?! haha!
Happy Birthday Erin!!! Wishing you a
Wonderful Birthday!!! Prayers for your next baby.
Love your authenticity!! You tell it like it is! The good the bad and the ugly!! Xo
Stuggling with “me” time is so hard. I find it hard to do those things when it isn’t work time also. So now I build it into my work days. Sometimes I grab a manicure at lunchtime. Or I make an appointment for a facial when I’m working at home. I work so hard, an hour here and there during the day doesn’t make a difference and it is a little bit of carve out for me which isn’t away from my kids. I wish you peace.
Happy birthday! This post resonated with me more than I expected. As a working mom of a 1 year old (also conceived via IVF, after 5 years of infertility), it has become very easy to put myself last. I never thought I would be that person. And it’s hard to break out of this habit now. Thank you for you honesty and inspiring me to think about me a little bit more.
Liz| wannabeliz.com
My sister had IVF and gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Praise The Lord! She had him in her mid forties. Yes, enjoy your life! No day is promised. We just lost our Mother. We lost her unexpectedly ( for us ). It’s a huge void we have not been able to fill. Even with new baby. God Bless you and your Family PYT!
Happy Birthday! Go and enjoy your day and Life.
Things always seem to work out for the best.
As the song goes LET IT GO !!
Happy Birthday Erin💐! Congratulations on achieving so much in your life; you are amazing! And, thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings. I just turned 60 (can’t believe that either) and if not for Lyme going undiagnosed for 10 years I would feel 40 rather than 80 some days! But, I still consider myself lucky as there are those who are in a lot worse shape. It wasn’t until I was 46 that I found out why I never got pregnant; I have a genetic mutation MTHFR and that was the issue. Surely, I have had many a day where I thought having a child/children in my life would’ve been so amazingly different. But, I truly believe things happen for a reason and in retrospect it usually becomes clear as to why things go the way they do. Keep the belief that the right thing will happen for you and yes, take more time to enjoy your beautiful and abundant life which can only help in the long run! Thank you for all you do, but be gentle with yourself as we want you around for a long time helping us to dress our homes and ourselves :)
happy happy birthday!! and a vitural hug…and an amen. We all have our own individual struggles. I will say that your 40’s will be great. It’s a time of merge, all the hard work seems to have amounted to something, you’ll have a stride and confidence you won’t be ashamed to show. Enjoy! P.S. I’m in my 50’s. That’s fun too.That’s when you get to figure out what’s not been working for 1/2 a century and dump it.
chris
Happy 40th! Lots to love here, but I’m especially happy to hear you have thrown out thongs. My doctor says they are so unsanitary. Yep, I went there. Keep on keeping on Erin!
I’m 34 and I hate thongs. I don’t wear them. I wear fruit of the loom underwear. The breathable ones. They are so comfortable. Also, men don’t care what kind of underwear we wear and I wouldn’t care even if they did.
Dear Erin
First off…Happy Birthday! I am probably one of your older readers since I just turned 70. Oh what wisdom I have for you! Please slow down…breath and then breath again. I know from experience, because as a designer and design business owner, wife and mother, I also ran 110 MPH in my late 30’s and 40’s and probably into my late 50’s. I often forgot to stop and BREATH. I missed a lot of my wonderful life in those years. You also wore me out as you mentioned gym, walking, yoga, pilates, trainer…oh my, plus everything else you have going on. Being physical is good for our body and mind, but too much is just that…too much. Our bodies also need rest. Give yourself that luxury. Your body deserves it.
Enjoy this wonderful new decade and thank you for your lovely blog!
Happy Birthday! You are refreshing, honest, and heartfelt – kudos to you. May you have a wondrous year (and decade) and enjoy the sh*t out of life.
First time poster, long time reader, huge admirer: in order to be your best, you have to put self-care first! I’m a mom whose nest is empty: struggled with infertility, late miscarriages, breast cancer, now an incurable blood cancer. But I’ve gotten to see my children grow up! What a gift that is. So here’s some advice from a 63 year old who’s been married for 40 years: Self-care must come first. I recommend CoreAlign, dogs, wine, and meditation…still working on it myself, but it’s a privilege to be here. And a privilege to share your journey, too:
Best birthday wishes.
THIS. IS. EVERYTHING. Thank you so much for keeping it real & sharing all your feelings. I think more women need to be this honest. You are amazing & happy birthday!!
Bravo! Although I’m almost at the end of my 40’s, it’s important to hear this message again, and AGAIN! Thank you!
This spoke so much to me!! Thank you for voicing what this 40-something mom of a toddler (and prob many other moms) are feeling RIGHT NOW. I’m going to do these resolutions with you!!
Wow! happy birthday, thank you for the gift of such an authentic post. I know your journey to have a second baby is what lends a weight to all that you do, so whether it happens or not, I hope you find happiness and acceptance this year. And know that Henry is the happiest looking boy in the world! You are doing something amazingly right!
“WEAR COMFORTABLE UNDERWEAR
Yup. I ordered a ton of bikini style underwear because damn it, I’m 40 and I’m sick of thongs all the time. There, I said it.” ~ Literally laughed out loud (while reading this at work). As a newly 40 woman myself, I thank you for this :)
I relate to this post a little too much. With my secondary infertility, I remember feeling like my body was not mine. I am wishing you closure, love and peace soon either with a baby or your new reality (whatever that may be). Andrew is right.. it must be hard to be you, but it is also worth it. It’s okay if you don’t get it all done because you can give yourself permission to not have to get it all done. Seems like you’re already coming to terms with this as a new beginning. Cheers to 40.
Cheers to 40! Thank you for all that you shared :) You’re helping other mamas out there who are feeling many of the same things but wondering if they are alone. You’ve got this :)
Happy Birthday, Erin. Thanks for all you do to enhance our lives every day by writing this blog. I look forward to it over my morning cup of tea. I turned 40 last year and oddly enough, I feel like I’m finally getting to know myself better, warts and all.
I read this article a few years ago and it has changed my outlook. Not every day, but many days. Recognizing “thin slices of joy,” like a refreshing glass of water or the way the clouds turn pink when the sun is setting. It’s gotten me away from chasing “happiness,” but rather recognizing moments when life feels peaceful and right. https://cupofjo.com/2017/04/personal-note-motherhood/
I had a long comment typed but knowing you will receive so many comments and in an effort to tighten this story up, I decided to sum it up in one line; “You are my favorite!” Wishing you the best birthday! xoxo
Happy 40th Birthday! As always, your realness is a giant breath of fresh air in the plastic picture-perfect social media world we inhabit.
From my vantage point at 51 (gahhh! what?!) your goals for your 40s are at the core of what growing into our skins as women is all about. Stop taking care of everyone else, all the time …. worrying about everything, all the time … thinking we need to do better, all the time. Therapy – yep – trying to let go of all the guilt and self blame and being responsible for everyone else’s happiness or unhappiness.
You have accomplished amazing things already. Coast a little. Enjoy the ride. If you manage that, your 40s are going to be fantastic and 50 will be even better, believe me. You reach a stage where you really DO stop giving all the fucks!
And, yes, it’s a privilege. My dearest sister-friend passed from cancer at 39. She missed so much, and we who loved her missed so much *with* her. I’m living for me now, finally, and, in some ways for her because I get to experience the years she was denied.
A wise friend of mine says our only goal in this life is absolute JOY. Go get it.
Erin, Happy Birthday! This post is spot on and cudos to you for coming to the realization! God always has a plan for us, but the struggle is what gives us the grit in life. As hard as it is please continue to share your story for others! And yes take time for you, it will make you a better mom!
This is a great post – thinking about you and wishing you all the best, as always! I have struggled with many, many of the same issues you outline, and one thing that has really helped me reduce my anxiety (and then be able to do a lot of the other things on your list) is mindfulness practice – I learned it as part of cognitive behavioral therapy, and it was a game changer. It just helps me slow down and find peace. Maybe your therapist can help you with it? I also LOVE the app Headspace. Happy 40!
Congrats on all of your successes! It’s a wonderful life and you deserve to enjoy it. I’m rooting for you!
p.s. Please add “read more” to your already long list!! No pressure. I miss your book recommendations.
Happiest of Birthday’s. I hope you achieve some of goals you listed for yourself. And remember all the wonderful things you have already achieved.
FORTY IS FABULOUS!! Honestly, so was FIFTY, etc. I’m going to feel I “left” happy, though!! franki
You’ve come a long way baby! Your last sentence should the ultimate gift to yourself. So proud of you and all your realizations (thank you for sharing). Happy Birthday Erin!
Congrats Erin! You made it! Guess what, we never really feel like a grown up. That seems to be reserved for other people! We’re always a work in progress. I like your resolutions!! Happy Birthday! You’re an inspiration.
Dear Erin,
I’ve never posted to a blog before but your blog touched me because I have a 20 something daughter who suffers from anxiety and is a high achiever and a lawyer. First, let me put your mind at rest that if you don’t have another child Henry will be fine. In fact he will probably thrive and be very successful with lots of great relationships. My daughter is an only child and she has grown up to have lots of wonderful friendships. In addition, because she has grown up around adults, she is kind of an old soul and she treasures the relationships with our family friends. Both my husband and I have a very special, close relationship with her. And now she is engaged into a very large family, so she will be getting those other siblings that she didn’t have growing up. Don’t worry. Henry will thrive and you and your husband already seem like you have a special bond with him. I should also mention that I was a working mom with a significant career so I understand the balance. But if you take time to bond with your son everything will work out. So don’t put that guilt on yourself. And by the way, I enjoy two and sometimes three glasses of wine. A 64 year old Mom. 💕
Happy birthday Erin. Your post was so raw, and real, and beautifully written. You have some very positive ideas on how to move into this blessed decade, now follow through and do them. My favorite was to hire a personal trainer. Do it, it will change your life.
Your honesty is such a lifeline for other people. Leading with vulnerability, as Brene Brown says. Your dream really struck me. I believe that vivid, beautiful dreams like the one you experienced is one way our mind lets us know that our deep desire–in your case, peace of body, mind and spirit; a sense of wholeness, just as you are; and the ability to feel joy and contentment–is achievable and is, in fact, the work of our lives. How we attain that vision may still be a mystery, but it’s getting on the path that matters. You can see it clearly now and you will figure out a way to get there. Letting go a bit of your inner critic and white-knuckle approach to life is a great first step. Your 40s might be your best decade yet.
Love this and your blog! Sending
Sending you many positive vibes, on all fronts!
Here are some more ideas:
– Life is not a competition although many people make it one. Stop competing. Just stop.
– Embrace imperfection. Not everything has to be perfect. In most cases “good enough” IS good enough.
– Do what you can and then stop when you find yourself pushing yourself to complete something. If you can’t get it all done at one time, finish it later.
– Embrace mindfulness. Pay attention to rainbows, flowers, ocean vistas and birdsong. Every day, not just when you’re on vacation.
Happiest of Birthdays, Erin! I loved this post. Thank you for always being so honest and articulate…I am in awe of you.
Happy birthday!
Peace will come. It may be tough but you will have it. Like so many others, sending positive vibes your way…..
I just turned 50 this weekend (yay early August babes) and while I have no advice on THAT – I can say the best thing that happened in my 40s was some real not-giving-a-shit anymore about so much of the dumb stuff – so good luck to you – you’ve entered the decade for it— go forth and be awesomely you. And as an only child I’ll just say – it can be great. If it happens, awesome – but if it doesn’t, Henry will be blessed in so many ways – let go of the guilt you might feel for him (I won’t tell you to stop wanting to feel your family is complete for you – just know there’s a lot of awesome to being an only and HE will be just fine). Happy new decade!
This 53 year old is still a work in progress so you’re not alone in that! About the time I turned 50 I read something that made me laugh and it’s an attitude I’ve tried to incorporate in my own life. It goes something like this-“when I was younger and walked into a room of people I always worried if any of them would like me, but now that I’m older I walk in the room and wonder if I’ll like any of them!” With age comes wisdom 😉Happiest of birthdays to you!
Yes! I’m 42 and I’ve just started living by this! I was a stay at home mom for 12 years and now trying to grow a business and keep me time too while enjoying three kids and a great husband. Time is precious! Don’t waste it on the bullshit or bullshitters!
Happy Birthday!! Enjoy your 40s…they’re wonderful. You’re doing a great job…be gentle with yourself.
I’m 64 and also struggling with many of the emotional aspects of all this! I’m so so sorry and sad for you!
Got a really awesome vibe from what you wrote – yes, enjoy the hell of it. You deserve it!! And, the treasure chest you left for Henry and the way you talked about it was so genuine. You are a great mom.
-oops, I meant hell “out of it”
At 69 years old, I only wish I could impress upon you the great job you’re doing as a mom, wife, mother and career girl. Worry accomplishes nothing (and I know it’s easy for me to say now because I was a worrier as well) but I hope you can reread your post and live by your last sentence. You are a wonderful person, I enjoy your blog, I simply adore pictures of your family, and I’m so totally impressed with your accomplishments…….. Now, please take a breath, relax, live for the moment and enjoy YOU.
I understand your pain, but for different reasons. I look at myself trying to balance work and family and I don’t like the person I see. It’s because that’s all I’m doing is work and family. I appreciate the list you’ve committed to for yourself, including exercise, girlfriend time and being outdoors more. And prayers for you that you have the family God intended for you!!
Amen. Happy Birthday.
You’re amazing!!! Congrats on your 40th!!! I love the goals- you will succeed- no doubt!!
I enjoyed your post and I can totally relate. Even though I’m 47 I still have to remind myself I’m grown up. I’m like I’m almost 50. I’m as grown up as I’m gonna get. LOL!!
i’m 29 with no children (yet) and i feel all of this, too. i have been making a real effort to create space for me time and it helps. so. much. i hope this new decade brings relief and joy in all the ways you need them!
Happy birthday! I do think some of the personality characteristics you mentioned have made you what you are today! We all have things we wish we did better or differently, but we are who we are and although I think we can work on some of our personality traits to live a more balanced life, they are, in the end, what has gotten us to this point. Both good and bad! How wonderful that your husband, son, friends and a multitude of fans love and admire you, just the way you are. Happy 40th!
Thank you for the wonderful read – you are so emotionally intelligent and insightful about yourself and your behaviors. You have so many co-pilots with you on this journey, you don’t know us personally but we all wish you love, peace and contentment. Happy 40th!
Thank you for always being so very honest. The struggles we all face are real and remembering everyone is going through something no matter how great they look helps us all be kinder people.
Best of luck in the next year.
Been there, with the worry and the infertility and the miscarriages. I’m so sorry. It’s a rough road. I wish you all the best.
And I love the questions you are asking. I’m 48 and a half – and yes, that half matters because I feel 49 looming up at me and I need to make changes in order to be happier when it hits. Thank you for the thoughtfulness and the open discussion. I appreciate the prodding to move forward and BE in my own life. I always feel elsewhere and at any given time that I am not where I should be. Best of luck and hard work to all of us.
Ah, Erin — I see you there, the overachiever with imposter syndrome who is giving herself a whole list of what she should do to be better. I recognize you, and also recognize how far your personal brand of control freak has gotten you. You have done the best job of fighting your way to this version of you, of proving yourself, of making it epic on the outside. It is wicked hard to let go of something that has basically worked in so many ways, yet is taking you down on the inside.
As Anne Lamott said in Operating Instructions, you can have the hit or you can have the serenity. You are smart enough to see that your future lies in the latter, not in the hollow eyes of the former. So yes, turn your prodigious energies to accepting yourself as the massively human shitshow you are. Put lotion on your legs as if you are paying homage. Tell your brain to give it a rest for once and let a girl sit in peace. Notice how all us other shitshows give you plenty of opportunity to practice being human. Laugh and shake your head at the wonder of it.
What if that baby in the dream was you? Can you be THAT gentle with your astonishing self? xoxo
As someone who is currently grappling with a debilitating chronic pain condition that is difficult to treat and has a higher instance in those who are control freaks, I needed to hear these words. Beautifully put. I’ve been working on dropping my perfectionist guard and letting myself be a human shitshow for the past year, because I now have no other option- my life depends on it. Breathe deeply and allow yourself to be still. And repeat: Either way it will all be okay…
Yes.
Your comments to Erin are wonderfully insightful. I can say that as a woman who will turn 60 at the end of this year, but can remember turning 40 as if it was last year, and still feel like 40, it is so important to remember that we only get so many decades, and how many, none of us know. My forties were filled with some of my life’s greatest joys and deepest sorrows; some I beautifully saw coming, and some I devastatingly could never have envisioned. Both life and ourselves are made of these planned and unplanned stories. Look up, look around, take in, and ultimately let yourself go through what comes…
You are such an inspiration professionally and personally! Great goals for 40 and cheers to letting go just a bit!
Happy birthday! I love your honesty and agreed with everything you wrote and your resolutions. I’m a fellow IVFer and the toll that it takes on our body, mind, relationships and outlook on life is exhausting! Sending you good luck in whatever path you choose. I can’t believe you still wear thongs! I gave them up after having a baby. Try barre3. There are studios in needham and Brookline. It’s a great mix of strength, cardio and yoga. It’s been wonderful for my body and mind. Hope 40 is great!
Happy Birthday and I felt this post deeply — with what you were able to put to words. I have followed your blog for some time and find myself hoping and praying for that sweet announcement of your second — which I know will come. I just suffered my third miscarriage in 2 years (I have a 3 year old) and am feeling all the things you mention. It’s such a struggle — between the testing, the lack of answers, the pregnant/not pregnant / trying to be pregnant again dance. It always (to me at least) feels good to know we aren’t alone and there are so many of us out there on this ride. More joy, less anxiety and guilt is a great plan! xo
This is so well written. We could all use a little bit of this in our lives! I can’t imagine going through the fertility struggles but pray you get some good news! Also Happy 40th!
I love your work and your IG account. Your honesty about your life is refreshing and brave. I look forward to following for years to come. Wishing you a Happy Birthday and much happiness in this new decade. ❤️💐
As always, beautifully written and so on point for what this 37 year old also feels on the daily… especially the part about hating the way your husband sneezes 🤣😂. YES!!
First, Happy Birthday, Erin! Second, Andrew’s words brought tears to my eyes. I’ve always been inspired by your openness about mental illness and other struggles you’ve faced. I pray to have someone in my life someday that sees me in the way Andrew sees you. I wish you all the happiness in your 40s!
First Happy Birthday! I truly hope you can make the time for “you” and not be so hard on yourself. You have accomplished so much in your 40years more than most do in a lifetime. I am sure there are many that envy you. Maybe a baby will be your 40th bday present, I hope so. I think we as woman take on so such more than we need to but I am like you and don’t know how not to! I turn 60 next Jan and I am not sure how I will feel when that day comes. I certainly don’t look or feel 60 but it’s making me reflect on myself and my happiness. I think a new set of goals might be in order. Cheers to your 40th and keeping my fingers crossed that a healthy baby will be added to your family in the coming year! Perhaps a visit to the Hamptons is in order….
Wow. That was some read. First, happy 40th birthday to you. Second, you should be proud that you have undertaken the task of really thinking about your life… what it means, what it should mean, how to live.
I wish you the very best no matter what happens next in your life. You have a great career and a lovely family and I do hope that you achieve all your goals, whatever they may be. Best wishes to you.
You will not regret the move to big underwear!
Thank you for your transparency. I have never felt more “Myself” than in my 40’s. You realize you can leave all the bullshit behind…
Happy Birthday, Erin!
Like you said – growth and acceptance. It’s the mundane and profound struggles that make the happy times a treasure. You got this.
What an incredible post!!!! You are one inspirational, authentic, strong AF, badass woman! Been following you for years and you continue to inspire. This is a great checklist I’ll be saving for my own 40th birthday next year. I admire how raw and honest you ate. Vulnerability is the sign of true strength. Happy Birthday and happy 40s. I truly hope they’re magical 💫!!!
Thank you for saying out loud all the things I too feel in the verge of turning 40 myself. And just so you know you’re not alone, i had one of my miscarriages two days before my wedding…talk about looking at photos and knowing the deep hurt i was feeling during the happiest day of my life. On a lighter note, I too have given up thongs for bikini styles, and never going back. Cheers, may this new decade bring you all the well deserved happiness and feeling of lightness you so deserve.
I’m having my one healthy gorgeous embryo transferred into a surrogate this morning. Wish me luck!! 14 eggs, one perfect boy embryo. I wish I had frozen more eggs 5 years ago, I will likely do another round of eggs. But I cannot carry. I’m praying for healthy embryos for you! I had two embryos, only one came back healthy. It was the most stressful 10 days of my life waiting on those results. Now, a new set or worries and prayers: embryo transfer, pregnancy test, ultrasounds. Love and positive thoughts 💙
You are very brave and I love your honesty. Sending very happy and relaxing birthday wishes to you!
This was such a great post! Can’t wait to follow along for all the fun ahead. Thanks for sharing it with us and happy birthday!
Happy Almost Birthday Erin!!! You have great style and I’ve enjoyed watching, reading and being inspired by you! I also love that my gal pal Alison Sheffield @sheffield_interiors has been featured in your book. 40 was a blast! Enjoy! Count those toes of Henry and seeing another is a wonderful foretelling – see it in your MINDS EYE! I had our only Liam when I was about to turn 45. I deserve no pin or congratulations – I just carried on and knew it would happen.
God Bless 🥂
Seriously crying reading this….so honest and beautifully written. I can feel your 40s being your best yet and I don’t even know you! Wishing you only the best and Happy bday!
Happy Birthday! Let me tell you: now that I am much older, I wish I had taken my younger years
less seriously and enjoyed being in the moment much more. The older you get the more relaxed you become and you do stop and smell the roses, but in my case – there is always the regret that I haven’t stopped long enough to truly make room for life’s pleasantries. Kids grow up and the time won’t come back when they’re 4 again and fight for your attention. The precious moments with your family and friends are the ones that keep your memories alive in later years and give you immens pleasure in reliving them in your mind. Take all the time you need and want!
True Dat! The biggest gift I gave myself at 40 was the ability to say no and not worry about what anyone else thinks.
I turned 40 last year and while I sometimes kick myself for not building my career more in my 30s, I remember that I have two healthy and vibrant daughters and my life is good, no GREAT. My point: there will be always something more to want. Sometimes, what you have is enough.
I could not agree with your more. I hit 50 last year. 50!! And I had a very hard long talk with myself. I let a lot go. Like I mean, A LOT!! Just let it all go. Living life is so much easier when you just be happy with the now. Not to say one should not have goals and dreams. But be thankful for all you have and who you are now. It doesn’t matter what people say, do or think of you….just let it all go. So much easier said than done. But I have done that. And to say my anxiety has lifted is an understatement. Control what you can and let the rest go. And having what you have is truly enough. And as always I so appreciate you Erin in all your honesty and for sharing life warts and all. Because lets face it Life is far from perfect.
Thank you so much for writing this. While we may not all have the exact same struggle, so many women go through these massively difficult times and still feel compelled to handle everything for everyone, for expectations (others and our own). It’s so hard. I just turned 45, and have been dealing with a really tough autoimmune diagnosis while trying to care for my mother (stroke) and build my business. I swear I can remember a version of me a few years ago who had a lot more fun, had a better body, etc. I know I can handle this, but the rebuilding and the adjustment to this change is so hard, and honestly, a bit isolating. I wish I could help you, and everyone else trying to come to terms with a body that isn’t doing what we want it to or what it used to. But hopefully, as your words here helped me, knowing that there are others of us in the same muck, might help a little. Sometimes, when we are strong, capable women we are so used to being ready and able to tackle any problem and succeeding at that over and over, when we get one that we can’t solve because it’s out of our hands, it hurts in all kinds of different ways,
I adore you and this post!
Happy Birthday! As I was reading this i kept say “Yes, yes, yes…” – you are echoing some many of our thoughts and don’t even realize it. Thank you for being open with us and inspiring us – girl go pour some champs and get that facial. Cheers to 40 more!
What a great list of goals! I’ve written this before, but my secondary infertility “journey” SUCKED. So much empathy your way. My barre classes (bar method, pure barre) have helped SO, so, so much with stress and feeling stronger and more purposeful in my body. Best of luck to you in this next year – we’ve all been in there in one way or another. You’re not alone!
Happy, happy birthday! And thank you for your honesty and openness. I’m sure I’m not the only one nodding along to this post, and seeing myself in it (other than the hugging Oprah part, obvi)!