(photo by Jessica Delaney for Momeni- sneak peek of one of my new rugs coming out in February!)
Hi Everyone, and welcome to 2019!
I feel like we haven’t talked in ages, I did take a much needed week-long break during the holidays, which I don’t think I’ve ever done in my 12 years blogging. And look, the sky didn’t fall and my business didn’t go up in flames! Doing that was a great exercise for me in balance and learning to stop and be present and take better care of myself. It’s one of my goals for 2019- to understand, deep down in my core, that sometimes doing NOTHING is what really needs to be done. I am one fo those people who finds it stressful to not be busy and sit still. It makes me feel like I’m failing in some way. But after last week, in which I had little desire to do much, I realized that it’s a healthy thing to do for yourself. It won’t be easy to get used to doing, and it may only happen intermittently, but I want to find more balance between work and restfulness this year.
I’m going to be honest here, 2018 was a beast. It’s hard to say it was “bad” because plenty of nice, lovely things happened- and the existence of Henry and all the amazing developments and changes he’s made in a year were magic to watch (although y’all ain’t lying about the whole “threenager” thing- WOW). He truly keeps life from ever feeling too low. Also, when you’re a busy mom, you can’t really get too down- you’ve got shit to do! :) Moping is sort of not an option. But last week, I kind of crashed. I didn’t want to be on social media much, and had little energy to do most of the things I enjoy. And I let myself be that way, because it was a very sad holiday for us. I lost another pregnancy at 8 weeks, a couple days after Christmas. This pregnancy was a complete surprise, which was very exciting given our fertility struggles, with a due date two days after my 40th birthday. I felt apprehensive about it, for the obvious reasons but also because of some complications they found early on, but also thought the whole thing seemed rather poetic given the nature of the pregnancy and the due date timing. What a great ending to our story this would be! When we saw a heartbeat, I was shocked and excited. And then when we didn’t see one at the next scan, I was gutted. This makes three losses in 2018, too many to bear. I’m tired, I feel cursed, I’m devastated and I’m completely pre-occupied with thoughts about this second child I cannot seem to hang onto.
And I’m still deep in it. So I have yet to get my “fresh New Years start”, but once I do, there is much work to be done regarding this whole chapter of my life. We’ve spoken to our doctor who think we should do one more retrieval and see what it holds (and then genetically test all the embryos before transferring which we never did before). I also am going to see a recurrent miscarriage specialist in NYC who is supposed to be the best (thanks to my friends at Fertility IQ for the introduction). This is our last shot. What we do from there (egg donation/ adoption) are things we are slowly talking about and processing, but not ready to make a commitment to. It’s all foggy and I’m just trying to get from day to day.
Thankfully I have a job I love, a son who makes my world go round, a husband who is incredibly supportive and understanding and healthcare that covers most of these issues (way to go MASSACHUSETTS!) I know many are not so lucky, and I cannot imagine the pain and suffering of this process and these experiences without all that. I am still grateful for all I have, but can’t help but feel quite unlucky at the moment.
The best thing I can do is treat myself with kindness, focus on my own health and happiness and hope that a resolution is found, whatever that resolution may be. In the meantime, I have lots of happy distractions as well– the new book coming out April 2nd (and book tour), a new rug collection launching in February and some other exciting projects (and an impulsively booked vacation for Andrew and I in March). I also am looking forward to revealing some new projects with you on the blog, since I no longer have to save work for a next book!
To get myself feeling better, I went through the house and cleaned it of ALL holiday stuff– even candles and hand soap- after Christmas I want NONE OF THAT, not a whiff of pine, please and thank you! I also went through my closet and brutally edited down. And now I just want to exist in a sea of soothing, clean neutrals. :) So I pulled together some faves right now to help you out if you feel the same way as I do. No matter what your year was like, a fresh start feels good.
Thanks for being here for me, and listening and sharing your own stories too. This community is one of my proudest accomplishments. I hope 2019 is a hopeful and happy one for us all.
1. (one of my favorite case pieces currently)// 2. // 3. // 4. // 5. // 6. // 7. // 8. // 9. // 10. (extra-wide mats are a modern look)// 11. // 12. (very Markle!)// 13. // 14. // 15. (“strangest color blue” is a great,unique scent)// 16. // 17. (got for xmas, SO great!)// 18. // 19. // 20. // 21. (love these towels)// 22. // 23. // 24. // 25.
I LOVE these stools! But they are WAY out of my price range. Do you have any recommendations for (comfortable = upholstered or padded in any way) counter stools below $250 each? Thank you!
God bless you Erin. Best hopes and prayers for the New Year and beyond.
I am so sorry Erin. Three losses in one year is three too many to bear. I hope 2019 is the year of this deepest wish coming true.
prayers & hugs to you all, I hope your new specialists are the break you need Erin, and the blessings denied are within reach.
Erin, God bless you and your aching heart. Your courageous and generous spirit is a gift to your family, friends, and all of your readers. And I think you already know this, but remember that true strength means the willingness to express neediness and weakness. Be sure to let those around you embrace you and support you in your sorrow and unknown journey. Wishing you a path to boundless joy, happiness, and peace in 2019. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there Erin. We are rooting for you! “hope is like the sun. As we journey toward it, cast the shadow of our burden behind us”
Happy New Year! I was very sorry to hear about your loss. I too have been through fertility treatments and have had lost pregnancies. I know your pain. But I think there comes a time that we realize our body just can not do what we always thought it could. Getting older comes faster than we thought as well. I decided to put my energy towards another way to have a family. As you have probably heard from friends and followers, Adoption is wonderful! My husband and I adopted two newborns in 2 1/2 years. We went with domestic, private adoption. We used a facilitator that has relationships with agencies all over the country. Adoption Information Services, Atlanta….their website isn’t great, but they know their stuff. I don’t usually scream about adoption from the mountain tops. I’m a private person. But with out going this route, I might not have a family now. And looking back, I wouldn’t have put my body through all that “stuff” and bank account through all that either if I had been referred to this place sooner. Hope this helps!
I am so so sorry you lost this pregnancy.
YOU, boss lady, are the bomb.com (if I may use 2002 terminology). You are allowed to feel down whenever needed. I was right with you, throughout your week from hell, if it makes you feel any better. (It’s already a crappy time for me, and I got the flu and was in bed the whole time – i threw myself a BIG ole pity party.)
Sounds like you have a good fertility game plan going forward, and I have a good feeling for you. And that vacay looks purty good…..Now ON to 2019 and whatever it may bring us! (Maybe it will bring you to RVA for your book tour…..;) Love from your old lady fanclub…
PS – I’m not comparing having the flu to a miscarriage, in case that’s how it came across. Just meant that I was down that week too.
Erin – I just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and your family — sending you nothing but positivity and love in 2019. I have followed your blog for a while now, and your ability to be open, honest (even in the most painful of times) is inspiring and I am sure comforting to know you’re not alone. Thinking of you…
My heart breaks for you and I know how incredibly hard it is to deal with fertility issues. I myself had fertility problems but no one knew why and it was a hard time in my life. Keep talking about it…most don’t but in the end it helps you process what you are going through. Stay strong and keep being an awesome design inspiration. Living in Ma it is so nice to see your blog. I really love your style!!
It’s not a matter of “if” you will have another child. It’s a matter of “when”. I cannot wait to read your celebratory post.
You are strong. You are determined. I was, too. Keep on pushing for answers and new plans-
I’m just reading this post now and feel gut-wrenched for you. I have walked in your shoes (miscarriages and an ectopic); wish you much luck moving forward. I love your blog and designs,… girl-crushing!
I am SO sorry for your loss. As others have said, do be kind to yourself. I am a Type A overachiever who is chronically overloaded (because I’m supposed to be Superwoman dammit) and overtired (FOMO – I can’t make myself go to bed on time!) I have a chronic condition that is manageable but not curable and darned if a study didn’t come out over the holidays showing that insufficient rest and stress contribute to flareups. As others have mentioned with the baby aspirin and other suggestions, rest and reduced stress (please don’t ask me how – color me clueless as I already do yoga) certainly can’t hurt you in 2019! Sending love.
Bless you, Erin. I’m so sorry for your losses. How excruciating. However, I applaud your persistence and your focus on your beautiful son and successful career. Balancing your sadness with your joy is a strong and necessary coping tool. My prayer for you is that your dream comes true and 2019 brings you the joy for which you long.
You are so brave, Erin. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to share that part of your life with all of us and to allow yourself to be vulnerable. I admire you for doing so. I have no doubt that your story has helped someone else. I also have to say that I love your perspective and your candor. It’s the little things such as, “…you’ve got shit to do!”, that make me realize we could be friends in ‘real-life’. We are cut from the same no-nonsense cloth. :) Having said all that, please know that you and Andrew are in my prayers. May 2019 bring you healing, comfort, peace, and joy.
Yes, take care of yourself and time to accept life. My prayers are with you in your journey. Best wishes in 2019 and like so many followers thanks for your wonderful blog.
Hang in there! Mama Natural went through this same thing in 2017 and delivered a healthy baby at 43! You are gong to make it!
So sorry for your loss during this season, Erin. I cannot imagine your pain. I hope you feel at least a tiny bit lifted up by a community who loves you! xoxo
Yikes Erin! You’re going through such a heartbreaking time… I can’t imagine, and I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing. Hopes and prayers that 2019 is going to be your best year yet!
My heart is with you Erin. Please do not give up hope. I have a friend who suffered miscarriages before her first born, and before her second. Miracles do happen, and I am praying for you! May 2019 bring you all the things.
My thoughts are with you in this dark time. I suffered three losses in 18 months before they tested me for a rare blood clotting disorder that was treated successfully.
Sending sympathy and hugs, Erin. Continue to be very kind to yourself, allow for ‘do nothing’ days. Truly, the body and soul do need this.
God Bless You. We had four losses in total before turning to adoption to fulfill our dreams. Our prayers were finally answered…….at the age of 41 (!!) Today we have a bright and loving 14 year old beauty who fills our life with love and hope everyday……….along with some teenage angst thrown in for good measure. May God Bless you on your journey, wherever that may take you.
I have no words to make everything better but please know that I care about you, I’m praying for you and I know God has wonderful plans for you and your family.
Sending healing love your way. Thank you for sharing, even when I can only imagine it makes everything more painful. You are an incredibly generous person for putting your story out there, and it will make so many other families’ stories feel less scary because you have done so. Henry will be so proud of you when he can understand.
Sending hugs and large glasses of wine! Been there and there truly are no words to describe it, or to provide comfort…time does heal but scars will remain to be sure.
My comfort was always to be working my current plan (i.e. trying IVF with a new protocol) as thoroughly as I possibly could, while always sticking a toe in plan b and plan c. So, when I knew i was on my last IVF cycle, I committed to researching adoption agencies and attending some info sessions. Just dabbling, but it gave me some feeling of control.
I also attended some support group sessions that RESOLVE facilitated. I am so NOT a support group kind of gal – but they were soooo helpful to normalize what I was going through.
Now am proud, exhausted, overwhelmed mom of 2 via adoption. your path will unfold itself…do everything you can to stay sane for when it does!
So sorry to hear about the losses but like you said you have so much to be grateful for so try to enjoy those for now and hopefully you will get your happy ending.
Erin and Andrew, I am so sorry to read this, and wish so much you didn’t have to go through these struggles. I send you so much peace and strength (and love even though we don’t actually know each other!) for 2019.
Watching “This is Us” on NETFLIX…so relate losing a baby… Hang in there, dear heart…46 years for me on the 6th. Hope “colir” in your spirit will return…franki
I’m so sorry Erin, just take things day by day like your doing. Also, really focus on what you have not what you lost…..this really helped me when I lost my baby girl at 6 months pregnant. We are all rooting for you, don’t give up!❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m just about to start my 3rd IVF cycle and decided to also (hopefully) have them tested before implantation. Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me strength and courage. Here’s to great things in 2019!
Erin, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Praying for you & hoping with you for what 2019 will bring you, Andrew, and Henry!
I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I have lost two myself. I hope you and your family are able to get through this difficult time with the love and support from all of your friends, family, and fans. You are so inspiring to so many – thank you for that and I hope you are able to find peace in 2019.
Oh Erin and Andrew my heart breaks for you. If I had a magic wand I would give it to you
Thank you for sharing and don’t lose hope – may 2019 be full of rainbows for you.
I’ve had three miscarriages with two happening right before Christmas (one D&C was on 12/21). I also had an older child and it was so difficult smacking on a smile and acting merry for my older child when all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Sending so much love.
I just want to give you a hug.
Erin – I love reading your blog. All of your entries are great, but I find the personal ones the most refreshing. You write with such an honest, humorous and thoughtful voice. It’s a reminder that life happens to all of us, even those who seem to have everything. I hope that in the midst of grieving your loss you will find peace in the continuation of your journey, and I hope for a happy ending for your family!
P.S. I hope you will be coming to Chicago for your book tour! I would love to meet you!
I’m so sorry you had to experience another loss. One of my miscarriages was a few days after Christmas (a few years ago) when we were stuck in a very rustic “cabin” in the middle of Vermont with no snow and plenty of rain. It was a very tough New Years, so I know how you feel. ❤️
Thank you for continuing to share the difficult journey of fertility challenges. I’m so sorry to hear of your losses this year and am holding hope in my heart for you and your family in 2019!
Life can seem very cruel and unfair. I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope whatever decision you come to it brings you peace in the coming year.
Bless your sweet soul !! Rooting for you. You are a strong women !
Life can be so unfair and so hard. I appreciate so much how you comment about having grief and gratitude both—so often people almost treat them as mutually exclusive which is simply nonsense. Sending you “golden light” and love.
So sorry to hear about your most recent loss. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been for you. Please take good care and be kind to yourself. I was once advised during a very tough time to focus on the things I can control, and I have found that advice helpful throughout the years. Here’s wishing you a better 2019- whatever it may bring.
I’m right there with you, Erin. Thinking of you and wishing the best for you, Andrew and Henry in the New Year. Please be kind to yourself.
Erin, I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your continued efforts to expand your family. After the birth of my first (and only son) at 36, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. While the chemo saved my life, it also ended my hopes for a second child. My husband often tells me a triangle is the strongest shape in design and the significance of trios. Let Andrew and Henry lift you up! May 2019 be happy and restful!
Jan, the strength of a triangle family unit is a beautiful sentiment. One I will hold on to as we navigate trying for again after a partial molar pregnancy early last year. Thank you for sharing.
I just want to let you know how very sorry I am to hear of your sad news. I debated whether or not to even comment as it is something I rarely do and you seem to have a ton of support from your loyal readers. However, after losing our baby girl just 3 months ago at 7 days after she was born via emergency C-section, I feel differently about reading someone pour out their heart and then not comment. So, for what it’s worth, I’m very sorry for your pain. Our pregnancy was a surprise at 40 so I pray that you still cling to hope! Here’s to a better year for you and me, both!
In His Grip,
JM I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I wish it were easier to ease other people’s pain. It’s a burden I wish we could carry for you (and Erin, and others), even if just for a few moments.
JM, so incredibly, terribly sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you and your family… and continually moved and inspired by your willingness to be authentic and vulnerable. Takes a lot of courage, strength, grace and poise! So glad you took a week offline — you deserve it, and we (readers) aren’t going anywhere! Xx
Dear Erin, I am so, so, so sorry about your pregnancy losses. I had 3 miscarriages myself and I can totally relate to the sudden, gutting blow of going from one ultrasound where you heard a heartbeat to the next ultrasound where you suddenly get that awful news. It takes a lot of bravery to share that news with others. Thank you for letting us in and I hope that you find lots of support from your readers – we love you and wish the best for you! Please take care of yourself. I wasn’t very gentle with myself after my miscarriages and I wish I had taken better care of myself. I should have treated myself like I was my best friend but instead I treated myself like an enemy. I’m glad you took time off of work and blogging! Please do it again if you need it. Lots of love and healing to you.
I saw a previous commenter mentioned baby aspirin. My OB/GYN had me take baby aspirin during my entire 4th pregnancy and I (THANKFULLY) delivered healthy twins. From what I understand, there is not a lot of research regarding the efficacy of baby aspirin at reducing miscarriages so I won’t say that it caused anything, just that my only successful pregnancy was the one where I took baby aspirin. My OB’s opinion was that it won’t hurt and it might help. That’s pretty much my opinion of it too. Figured I’d mention it!
My RE is having me take it too. She says it won’t hurt and may help.
I understand the pain you are feeling, and I sincerely hope you recover and face this new year with happiness and optimism. Perhaps, in accepting what might not be, by embracing life as it currently is, the miracle you long for will happen. It worked for me nearly 31 years ago.
Erin, I can’t imagine your pain and heartache. My heart aches for you. xoxoxo
Hang in there, mama. Two women I am close to are dealing with similar reproductive disappointments and fears, and my heart is with all of you.
Oh Erin, I’m so sorry. Lots of love
My heart aches for you, I have had miscarriages (lost twins) also. The female body is complicated, my doctor recommends most women after 35, with a history of miscarriage, to take baby aspirin every day, this prevents clots from forming and losing the baby. So glad you are going to get more information about what is happening. I will be praying for you.
I will third the baby aspirin as well. My doctor had me taking it with my pregnancies. Not sure if you have thought about acupuncture for both getting pregnant and for miscarriages. After many years of fertility, i tried acupuncture and got pregnant right away. My acupuncturist is in Newton. PM me if you’d like there contact info. As my fertility doc said to me “you can’t rule out hundred of years of medicine” when I got pregnant with acupuncture.
I was coming here to say the same regarding the baby aspirin. It’s at least worth a discussion with you specialist. I’m rooting for you!
I am so sorry, Erin. I’ve been where you’ve been. Take care of yourself and know that we are all sending love and good wishes your way.
Erin – I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your pregnancy. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. The infetility journey is harrowing and it hurts, so so much. I hope that all of your baby dreams come true. However the year unfolds remember that you are perfect as you are and deserving of everything in life that is good and makes your heart smile. I am rooting for you! Take care, Stephanie
I am so sorry about the loss of your pregnancy and those before. Glad you are taking some down time, but so sorry for the reason. May 2019 bring you and your family joy, peace and strength.
I am so very, very sorry. I have been there, and Christmas makes it feel particularly cruel. I know there is little I can offer in terms of words that comfort, but know there is a whole community out here that is rooting for you and hoping that 2019 is your year. If surrogacy ever becomes an option, I would be more than happy to share with you everything I learned about the process. In the meantime, take good care of yourself.
I’m so, so sorry. Yes, please be kind and take care of yourself. I hope you get everything you’re hoping for in 2019.
Sorry- meant to say “be kind to” yourself
So so sorry for the loss. Hang in there! I had my kids at 38 & 40 w a loss before each one. I am rooting for you!
Erin, I’m heartbroken to hear this sad news. Praying for peace for you in this new year. We, too, are trying for a second baby, with a lost pregnancy in October. Thanks for sharing your story so that others of us don’t feel so alone.
I am so very sorry for your loss. After many years and unsuccessful rounds of IVF and one early natural pregnancy loss, we ultimately had our baby girl using an egg donor (I was 43 when she was born last year). It was a very difficult journey. I’d be happy to chat about the egg donation process if you’d like — for me, it was very difficult to wrap my head around. I will say that using an egg donor often felt like it would be a “sure thing” after so many failed rounds with my own eggs; however, we had a failed retrieval with our first donor egg embryo, which was really a difficult blow. Although I had been tested for everything and nothing was found, they put me on an “anti-histamine” protocol involving blood thinners, anti-histamines, antacids, and prednisone….who knows if that’s why it worked, but it did, despite the fact that none of the tests showed that I had any clotting or immune disorders. (I’m not recommending that approach — it just happened to be what ultimately worked for me.) In any case, whatever you decide, I hope you find a resolution that brings you peace. Infertility is such a difficult, confusing road to navigate.
Dear Erin – Much love and strength to you as you move in to a new year and a fresh start on this heartbreaking journey. While it was many years ago, I am no stranger to the pain of miscarriage and it was so lonely because it was so taboo to discuss. I wish I could have been reading essays like yours when I was going through it. You have given so much to so many by being open about your struggles and I can only hope that karma comes sweeping in with your just reward and brings you peace and a happy ending. I look forward to seeing you in the new year and giving you a hug. xoxo .
Yes to all Carrie shared! Two losses for me in 2018 (good riddance, 2018!) and hearing you work through emotions so similar to mine does bring me comfort. That I’m not alone and that it’s OK to feel all the things – anger, grief, foolishness for having hope to begin with, preoccupation with growing your family, and – at the very same time – such profound love and gratefulness for the family already in front of you. Thank you for your bravery in sharing so much of your story! And here’s to more kindness in 2019!
Erin – Thank you for being so open with us and sharing the good, bad & ugly. This is one of the many reasons why I love reading your blog. I too have suffered recurrent miscarriages between my 1st & 2nd children and had 2 unsuccessful attempts at IVF, once with my eggs and again with a known donor egg (I had low ovarian reserve and insurance wouldn’t cover another round w/ my eggs!). My story has a happy ending and I hope the same for you. I had a spontaneous pregnancy at age 40 and delivered a gorgeous, healthy boy at 41!! Much Love xo
So sorry to hear about your loss. Don’t give up hope.
I’m so sorry for your pain. I hate pain and I had a painful 2018 too. My daughter has autism or something-we don’t know. But she’s behind terribly and hurts all day every day. And we did every genetic test and I did everything “perfect” and I can seem to fix it (at least in a timely manner) despite money and specialists and love and everything I’ve got. I have three other children. They are healthy and easy and it’s been a breeze in comparison. I feel so blessed for that! But I KNOW pain. All I can tell you is while I’m sure you get a pang when you see a baby or pregnant lady, know that I get a pang when I see healthy Henry and other kids like him. I am joyful they have an EASIER path than me and my child, but it hurts too! So I guess in 2018 I learned we never know what anybody is going through and we should be as kind to each other as possible because the shit runs deep. I am so hopeful 2019 will bring progress for my child and for you to get your baby and that it will be healthy. All is full of love.
I love your blog and love your honesty. My husband, who I was separated from, just passed away from alcoholism and now I have two small children to parent on my own at the age of 40. 2018 was soooo difficult for so many of us. I’m thankful for strong women, the powers of purging our homes and simplifying our lives, and that the new year is upon us.
Wishing us all peace for this upcoming year.
Hi Erin, I unfortunately have had a very similar story to yours so I can relate all too well. Just had my 4th miscarriage of 2018. I am sure you are receiving tons of advice and ideas but I wanted to share one thing. I just had a biopsy to test for endometritis. Have you tried that? It can be a cause for recurrent miscarriage and is treated with an antibiotic.
Just a thought in case you haven’t done that yet. My REI never suggested that but after seeing a recurrent miscarriage specialist she suggested that:
Not much to say except my thoughts are with you. I’ve found with loss only time is the great healer. Best wishes for 2019, and whatever you choose you have a beautiful family.
I am sorry for your loss. I am heartbroken for you. Just know… that you have many people that support you and that you are loved by family, friends, and your blog readers.
Hi Erin – I want to say I’m sorry and that I know what you’re going through. Been there, done that with the losses, IVF, etc. And really, yes, I’m sorry. But mostly I want to say that this just fucking sucks. It’s not fair; it’s not right when good, loving people are trying so damn hard, and it’s so, so painful. I’m sending positive, healing vibes your way and crying along with you. xo
Erin, I am so sorry for your loss. I will echo what some of the other commenters have said below – the genetic testing is a great idea. I didn’t do it on my first retrieval cycle and all 3 embryos I transferred didn’t take. I hated not knowing after that cycle if the embryos had been good or bad – I felt like we were missing vital information. We genetically tested my second retrieval cycle and only 1 embryo was normal, but that is my perfect, sweet, hilarious, crazy 14 month old son. I’m out of embryos now, and it’s back to egg retrieval for me this year, so I’ll be right there with you. I’ll be thinking of you along the way sending you all of the good vibes!
Erin your strength amazes me and I know God is working on something for you even if He’s seemed silent this year. XO
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Have enjoyed your blog for years and look forward to each new post! All the best in 2019.
I wish the best for your family and whatever path you take to feel whole again. Thank god for your supportive husband and Henry and good health insurance. This has been an incredibly challenging journey.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s especially difficult during this time of year. I am also struggling with infertility. I have been through many rounds of IVF due to low ovarian reserve. I don’t comment often but wanted to let you know that I have had PRP injected in my ovaries and it has been helpful for me to produce a higher number of eggs that are better quality. There is not much evidence based literature behind it but I felt it was worth a try. It seemed to help. This may not be right for you but I thought it was worth mentioning so you could discuss it further with your physician if you wanted. I also agree with the genetic testing. I have 3 genetically normal embryos waiting for me so hopefully I get pregnant soon. Thank you for being so open about your journey. It has very much helped me through mine.
Dearest Erin, thanks for so bravely sharing your broken heart! Such strength! Know that your whole community is supporting you,and praying for your family’s furture.
Erin I am so heartbroken for you and Andrew. I hope 2019 is a fresh start and that you find your answers through the genetic testing. I also want to thank you. This will sound odd, and maybe even synical but I just found out before Christmas we are pregnant with our fourth. It was a complete shock(I am on an IUD.) I have been in complete shock(SHOCK), and sick of our doctor commenting on how fertile we are as a couple.
I hate being pregnant, I love babies, our children, but pregnancy NO. I had hypermesis gravidarum with my other three pregnancies, which is basically IVs every week, and puking 20 times a day. My husband travels over 120 days a year. We had decided we were complete as a family of 5. I have been in a selfish sulk, woe is me, how will we do this again.
Reading your post was like a slap in the face, so thank you. I am so profoundly sorry it has been so hard for you to carry another baby, and I feel heartless for taking for granted, my husband and I, as we joke, it’s in the water at our house, fertility.
I am sending healthy thoughts your way, a big hug, and thank you again. I am going to appreciate this little surprised growing inside of me and not for one moment wallow anymore.
Happy New Year, XO
Ashley, I respect how you’ve approached this comment, and do want you to know that you are allowed to feel the way you feel about your body and life. Erin’s, or anyone else’s, struggles to conceive don’t make your situation any less difficult for you. Starving children in Africa have it worse than me, but it doesn’t stop me being hungry. Just wanted you to know that your feelings are ok.
I respectfully disagree. Nothing wrong with a “thanks for perspective” comment, but I’m sure Erin could have done without the “Ugh why do I have to be so fertile” sentiments, even though it comes with her own share of struggles ahead. I think this comment was in poor taste despite it being well-meaning.
Erin, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your pregnancy. You have so many followers who are rooting for you and sending positive thoughts. You’ve undoubtedly received many pieces of advice, so I’ll just leave this here, but apologies if you’ve already done this/heard this and it is not helpful. I dealt with recurrent pregnancy loss for years; like you, at the early stages. Thanks to Dr. Owen Davis at Weill Cornell who recommended a hysteroscopy, we found that I had significant scarring on my uterus which was likely (1) caused by a previous D&C and (2) prohibiting embryos from implanting/thriving. After a pretty straightforward procedure, it took a couple of rounds of IVF, but I was ultimately able to conceive. My previous doctor in Washington DC never mentioned doing a hysteroscopy so I was doing ART with a uterus that likely wasn’t receptive. Given the mystery of fertility, your body may have other things going on, but just wanted to mention this as I don’t think all doctors do. Rooting for you from a distance. Keep going and keep believing in yourself; you have lots of people that support you.
Thanks for your note- I’ve had four hysteroscopies- before each IVF round/transfer my doc insists on it. All good there, unfortunately ina way! I wish there was an issue they could find besides “egg quality issues”.
Good for your doctor, Erin. I wish all were so wise. I also had an extremely low AMH level, so had concerns about egg quality. I got there eventually, though. It seems more like mystery than science…. I’m getting ready to gear up for infertility treatments again at age 40 and I’m feeling inspired by you, so thank you for that. Sending virtual hugs.
Hi Erin, I’m so sorry for your losses and for the sh*tty diagnosis of “egg quality” issues. I’m going through IVF right now and also struggled with egg quality. On my first of four egg retrievals we got 17 eggs and ended up with zero embryos on day five. I now have 5 PGS tested embryos on ice and one that is hopefully implanting as we speak. A few things that I think helped immensely over the past year:
-My amazing acupuncturist, Elizabeth Carpenter in NYC. She is not just an acupuncturist; she does a whole fertility program involving supplements, mind/body techniques, stress management, and dietary changes. My success came after working with her for four months before my next retrieval. She also calls me, at 37, one of her “babies” and has full confidence that women can produce quality eggs into their 40s.
-My RE was willing to try very different protocols. I eventually got my eggs on two back to back cycles using lower doses of the stims and lupron which needs to be injected 2x/day – not a conventional protocol that they’ll usually do at the big fertility centers
-Also, yes to PGS testing. I know that some of the big fertility centers like Cornell in NYC don’t really advocate for it, but other top centers like CCRM only do PGS tested embryos. The more research I do the more I am convinced that it is better to not waste time and emotional energy on non-viable embryos. If you only have mosaics to choose from that’s one thing but if you have 5 embryos and can confirm ahead of time that only one is viable I just think it’s so much better to have that knowledge.
Wishing you the BEST of luck in 2019!!!
Thank you for sharing and my heart hurts for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Infertility is brutal and completely without mercy.
I had to go through egg donation (in our case, a known donor) to have our children. You may know others who’ve done this, but I am more than happy to answer any questions if you go this route. It has been a blessing for us!
I actually don’t know anyone whose done it and am curious. Lots of questions. Send me an email if you have time- firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you!
Oh Erin- I hope that you experience the collective sympathy for you and your family’s loss. It is so hard to navigate the downs that life deals us sometimes but you’ve a wonderful outlook and I hope you get the family that feels right for you.
That kind of loss is unimaginable to me, you are a strong woman. All the very best in 2019 💙
I’m so so sorry Erin. I had 3 miscarriages in a year as well two years ago – it’s so brutal. Yes to genetic testing! My magic trick that got me my baby seemed to be daily blood thinners, for what it’s worth. Very hopeful for you in 2019!
I’m so glad you took time for you, and so, so sorry for your loss. You’ve been in my thoughts – I also live in the Boston area and my daughter is just Henry’s age (and so sassy – what was in the water?!). May 2019 bring you an even combination of joy and peace, in whatever form it takes.
Erin, so incredibly sorry for your losses. It’s so hard to have something so outside your control. Thank you for sharing your struggles with so many people; your story helps me through emotional infertility struggles. (I also learned and have engaged with Fertility IQ through your recommendation).
Staying optimistic for you and your meeting with the doctor in NYC. A friend of mine was having miscarriages and through a specialist learned she had a blood clotting disorder and once it was diagnosed, everything clicked. Hoping you’ll find what “clicks” for you this year in this long, difficult journey.
Sending you and your family so many positive thoughts.
So many others have said it better before me today, so I’ll leave it at this— my heart breaks for you, Andrew, and Henry. I hope that the specialist in NYC is the answer.
I appreciate you sharing your fertility struggles and am so sorry to hear about the recent loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to go through, and applaud your bravery in being so open. Sending good thoughts for a wonderful 2019 for you & your family!
I’m so sorry, Erin. We also experienced a long hard road to have our children. We were almost ready to give up but after taking a break we went back for one more retrieval. We pushed the envelope, got 30 eggs, but in the end only had one viable embryo.
We have twin girls who are 8 and now our baby boy just turned 2. I dont know if , like me, you are worried about the age gap. The pressure just intensified for me as our girls got older. But, I have to tell you, the age gap has turned out to be one of my favorite things. When I was going through this, I never wanted anyone to tell me it was going to work out or be ok. It made me livid as I had to live with the fact that it might not happen. If you choose to go forward I’ll be cheering for you. I so hope you get your precious baby.
My girls are 5 1/2 years apart because of secondary infertility, and it is a JOY. They play so well together and are almost never competitive with each other.
Keep taking good care of yourself, Erin. So sorry. Thank you for sharing—you’re making folks feel less alone and hopefully that warmth and support comes back to you.
How devastating, Erin. I’m so very sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss and all that you have gone through this year. Having gone through my own infertility struggles and a long journey to motherhood, I wanted to pass along something that I found extremely helpful for me along the way. I participated in the Mind/Body Program at the Domar Center in Waltham. https://www.domarcenter.com/mind-body/
There I found a place to share my experiences with other woman at different stages of their infertility journeys. It was a safe place to share with people who understood… sometimes like no one else can. The leaders of the program teach tools to help cope with the stress of infertility and there are sessions where the husbands/partners are included. I also found a wealth of knowledge about other pathways to becoming a mom. Our journey ended when we became parents to a beautiful daughter via a donor egg.
While the journey was long and never easy, the end result was priceless and worth every step of the way. I wish you all the best as you continue on your journey.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. As you said, you have developed a community and your community grieves for you. I hope genetic testing of your next round of embryos provides some ray of light. We did it, and for me, it felt like that extra insurance (although nothing in the infertility world is foolproof). And thank you for always being so open. I thought of you often when we went through IVF since I had followed your journey. Also, our son’s middle name is Henry. :) Cheers to a brighter 2019!
So sorry for your loss. I also suffered a loss – right before Christmas. The timing would have been perfect for my little family. Since I’m very type-A and a planner, its been difficult to let go of that and move forward. I made it through the holidays for my 3 year old but was glad to take down all the decorations, organize the house, and start fresh.
I am very sorry for your loss. Sending you positive energy, thoughts and wishing you all the best in 2019.
I am really sorry and sincerely hope that 2019 is your year. I’m sure I’m not alone in this wish for you and your family.
Thank you for contuing to be so open with your story and your personal challenges. You are an inspiration and sound like you’re treating yourself with the right amount of care and love (and toddler snuggles) to help through this tough time.
A show reco to go along with your cleaning/editing phase – I just watched the episode of Tidying Up on Netflix last night (from the woman who wrote the book about decluttering and sparking joy) — super therapeutic and inspired me to take on some winter cleaning of my own!
I am so sorry, Erin! I, as well as so many others, appreciate your honesty and transparency through this difficult journey.
Sending love and prayers that 2019 brings peace and joy for you and your family.
So sorry to read this news Erin. I turn 40 this year too and have been struggling in my own ways for the past few years. The lack of control can be really difficult to navigate. It is more than ok to feel bad or unlucky. It doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the gifts and blessings in your life. Shitty is shitty. I wish you the best, Erin! Thank you for doing what you do and for sharing your heart with your readers.
GOOD for you for taking a break!
I’m so, so sorry about the losses. It’s just a complete mind-f-ck. I do have a good friend who after years of losses, figured out that she had an auto-immune disorder that was specific to pregnancy loss – she took some special shots the next time that she got pg, and delivered twins who are now 3! I’m happy to put you in touch with her – she’s very smart, knowledgeable, and did a TON of research. Just email me –
I’ve been testing for literally EVERYTHING. But thank you. :)
I am grieving for you. I so hope your little family expands as you are such a great mom. Sending so much love your way. I love your blog and appreciate your honesty.
So incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. You are so strong and thank you for sharing with us. Hoping 2019 bring happiness, joy and health!
Best wishes as you start a fresh year! I hope you are being extra kind to yourself and reminding yourself it is not a really a matter of you not “hanging onto,” or not doing something else, well enough. During my own fertility struggle I often felt like I was failing, which for a work hard/perfectionist type can be deeply difficult and unhelpful. As you know, whatever happens or doesn’t happen to cells multiplying in your body happens without regard to your will, or capabilities. Living with constant “hope” felt like a tremendous curse to me. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your experience. On a specific, practical note, I found Andi Stern, based in Natick at Roots and Wings, really terrific for acupuncture if you’re also doing those types of things. She was extremely supportive and with her I finally “got” why people love acu. Certainly not suggesting that’s a silver bullet, just one suggestion if you’re considering ways to support yourself during a tough time. Sending warm wishes your way.
Oh Erin. I am so sorry for your loss.
I heartily agree on the genetic testing. After a long and difficult process, we went through something similar. We ended up with 9 embryos, tested them all, and only 3 were viable. I’m so, so, so glad we tested.
Good luck to you and very best wishes for 2019.
Agreed! We had 6 embryos and only one was viable. I was so happy we did the testing.
I recently began seeing a fertility specialist after struggling to get pregnant with my second and a few losses. She discovered my husband and I are both carriers of a genetic disorder (???!!!) so they’re recommending we do IVF so they can test our embryos first. Thanks for your honesty, Erin (and fellow readers!), and allowing me to not feel so alone in this struggle, and know that you aren’t either. xo
Erin, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I wish only the best for you. May 2019 bring you hope, health, and happiness.
I dont know if this helps but I am confident that your entire community is genuinely grieving for you and with you, Erin. And sincerely rooting for you to have a happier outcome this year. Wishing you strength- which you clearly already have in spades.
I second this. Thinking of you, Erin, and wishing you the best this year. Thank you for being brave and strong and continuing to allow us into your life.
Agreed Erin, this is so hard and we are all feeling your pain. May 2019 bring you lots of blessings!!
I feel like my heart broke along with you. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope 2019 is an amazing year for you in all aspects – you certainly deserve it.
Thank you for doing what you do – you bring so much beauty in my life, and I am incredibly thankful for that.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m so grateful you share all of this with us. I just have to say that I could never be as strong as you are.
Also, on a lighter note, I just want to emphasize that CHRISTMAS IS 12 DAYS ERIN!!