So often these days I’m asked “when are you going to have another baby?” Of course, nobody means anything by it other than as a compliment- it’s clear that Henry has brought Andrew and I so much joy, and is, in my humble opinion, one of the cutest, sweetest kids on the planet. And of course, nobody means to upset someone when they ask that question, and for a long time I have not discussed my fertility battle on here, so it’s not obvious that that question is a triggering one for me.
Last week I lost a pregnancy. Again. My third failed pregnancy in a little over a year. We’ve been trying to have a sibling for Henry since he turned one. Our first pregnancy was a surprise- I actually got pregnant naturally (something I did not think possible) and was amused that I had become that stereotypical fertility patient that struggles to have her first and then “accidentally” gets pregnant with the second. You hear these “IVF urban legend” stories a lot when deep in the trenches and I was floored I was actually becoming one. Unfortunately, it did not last. The second pregnancy was a frozen embryo transfer and was an incredibly traumatic loss I am still grappling with. Most recently, we transferred our second frozen embryo and when it took and I saw the two lines on the home pregnancy test I was suspicious but excited. I kept waiting for other shoe to drop, but my numbers looked good and signs were pointing to “this is finally going to happen”.
Those who knew I was pregnant kept telling me they had a “really good feeling” about this one, and so I let my typical “glass is half empty” guard down and began to picture my swollen belly, and Henry cuddling with a sweet little newborn, his partner in crime for life. And then we had our 8 week ultrasound and the moment I looked at the screen in that dark room, I knew. I had believed we’d see that little flutter of a heartbeat, I really did, and that I would leave and be able to share our happy news. But instead there was an empty black hole. No baby. No heartbeat. Nothing.
This loss has gutted me. Frozen cycles are actually harder on me than fresh– the daily injections with needles so long I get nervous they are going to hit bone, the hormone pills, the knowing so much sooner that you MIGHT be pregnant. It compounds on the loss when you have to work so hard to even get pregnant. And at this point, time is ticking away and I see the door closing on my ability to give Henry a sibling, and myself another opportunity to be a mother. A role I have relished, to my own surprise. I remember barfing my brains out when pregnant with Henry and looking at Andrew and saying “I hope you’re cool with one kid because I am not doing this again”. And yet all the motherhood tales they tell have turned out to be true- you forget the pain, you forget the sacrifices– you just want to experience the joy of bringing a child into the world one more time.
We have one embryo left from my “Henry cycle” when I was 35. “A beauty” as my doctor says, but so was this last one. I asked what my options are if this one also fails, but of course our doctor has told us to remain hopeful with this last “frosty”. But to me, hope feels dangerous. Hope makes me vulnerable. I much prefer to plan for disaster, especially after this last loss. I turn 39 this summer, an age that scares me when it comes to having another baby. Of course, given our history, I respond really well to IVF and could do another fresh cycle, but it scares the shit out of me. What if it doesn’t work? What if I’m simply too old and my eggs too wonky? What then?
On top of all this, I’ve had to keep being a mother. To try to not let Henry see my tears through the pain, the miscarriage and the crushing thought that he may be our only child. I’m trying to picture that life, to try to get comfortable with it, but it’s hard. I know there are those that don’t ever get to experience motherhood at all who so desperately want to, so I do feel immensely grateful that I have Henry, I do, but in some ways it makes these secondary losses even harder. Knowing now what could be, what is possible.
As I pick myself up this morning and try to move on, I’m going to pledge to take better care of myself. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and putting my own health last. My kid and my job come first, but I have to at least make room for myself (and my marriage) third. To be a little more gentle with myself, to not scroll Instagram in my down time and let it make me feel less-than (or enraged and sad that everyone else in the world seems to be having babies with little effort) , but rather take that time to meet a friend or go to a workout class or just get outside and walk, that is if winter ever ends here in Boston. I need to not feel guilty that I’m taking care of myself instead of spending that time with Henry– an all too common working mom feeling.
And I have to try to focus on all that is good in life right now, of which there is a lot. And while I hesitate to remain “hopeful” (I just don’t operate well that way- I much prefer to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised), I at least need to be open to what comes. Maybe it’s not what I pictured or hoped for, but it still can be really wonderful.
*Photo by Maureen Ford
I haven’t been on your site in awhile and this morning, after a hellacious night I decided to wake up here, with a cup of coffee. I’m really saddened by your news and I too hope you will rest yourself! Take your vitamins, put your feet up, read a book, do something that allows you to thoroughly unwind. I pray you will have that second baby soon.
Erin, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. To miscarry, is heartbreaking and I so appreciate your willingness to talk about this very hard thing.
May God bless and keep you every day in every way as you press on toward all your dreams. I pray that each and every one of them comes true and fills your heart with immense joy. You all deserve that.
In the trenches here with you but also a bit longer in the tooth. These little ones bring so much joy. It’s hard to imagine that this might be all. Our last frosty is in another country (long story) and I don’t know whether to be hopeful or just terrified about even trying it. We tried another fresh cycle post successful delivery with #1 and my body just didn’t respond so we know we’re at the end of the line and I think that part scares me more than being a wrinkly exhausted ancient mom. Good luck. Hoping you and Andrew get what your hearts want.
I admire you so much for letting people traipse through the deep heartache that is secondary infertility. It has not been my journey, but I’ve witnessed so many others walk this path. And it’s HARD. You’re very brave. It’s apparent the magic Henry has brought to your lives. Much luck and love.
Hey, Sweetie. Want to say “Been There. Done That” but it sounds so curse and unfeeling. I too, experienced infertility throughout my entire 30’s. We did IVF and FET, neither which led to a viable pregnancy. During that strenuous time, I experienced four “unexplained miscarriages”. It’s definitely a shot to the heart and soul. In our case, our time was running out with the fantasy of “being pregnant” and switched to “I just want to be a Mama”. So, we pursued the path of adoption. Which finally happened at the age of 41 for me!! And today, our Sweet 13 year old will be starting High School next year!! (But don’t get me wrong……a teenage daughter can bring on their own set of worries and frustrations!!) There are many paths to completing a family!! I wish you all the best of everything, in whichever path you decide is best for you. Take time to heal. Your heart and mind will lead you……….((((HUGS))))) and Thank You for sharing.
I’m so so sorry to hear about your losses. I’ve been there, too. I hope you find peace with wherever your path takes you. I’m still working on that for myself, but I highly recommend seeing a therapist that specializes in fertility counseling. Here’s a good place to start: https://resolve.org/support/professional-services-directory/.
I pray for you from bottom of my heart. Thank you for sharing. Whatever you choose, it’s the right choice.
Hang in there, Erin. Sending prayers of comfort and love. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to do so. I just lost my third pregnancy in a year also, and it has felt incredibly isolating. The most heart wrenching was losing our son at 24 weeks this past December (To compound the loss I was visiting in-laws over the holidays and over 1,000 miles away from my doctor and my side of the family). I’m saying this as much to myself, but hang in there. It sounds like you have an excellent support system that will help you take on whatever may come. Best wishes to you and your growing family. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Your family is complete and lovely, but I wish for you the family that you desire. So many of us are just heartbroken to learn of your loss. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with your body. Because your body is selective, you were able to have Henry. He is fortunate to have a Mom who fought to have him. Your next family member will be too. Love and hope.
Sorry that this is so difficult for you and sorry for your losses. I hope that you are able to take care of yourself and that you realize your dream. Best wishes.
Sending hugs and peace your way, Erin. The hurt is so real and I remember deeply how infertility feels so lonely, like you are the only woman to feel what you feel. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the weight of the sadness in the trenches.
I equally remember it can feel so hard to receive advice in infertility so I am almost hesitant to write, but these two books changed the course of my infertility treatment and really helped me to see ways that I could change my thinking and be kind to my heart and my body when I felt like a failure in my mind and that my body had failed me.
Inconceivable by Julia Indichova and When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. Julia Indichova’s book is specifically about secondary infertility – she had her first child and was told she would never conceive again. It is her incredibly hopeful and helpful story of her journey to birthing her second baby.
In my four years of trying to conceive and keep a pregnancy, I ended up stepping away from my interior design business, started a lot of soul aching work with a counselor, took up collage and painting and decided to finally say no thank you to my infertility clinic and after an initial in person visit and loads of blood work, worked from afar for a year with a naturopathic doctor in Seattle (I live on the east coast) taking herbs and tinctures that specifically nurture the uterus and ovaries. I conceived naturally oddly after having way too many glasses of wine of which every infertility course would tell me not to do, but there you have it. I did nothing and I did everything. Seems it was a mix of both. All-that-I-am-determination, and total mind/body/soul/life surrender.
It is nuts, totally unfair, and painfully maddening.
Lastly, another book that really affected my four years of infertility is ‘The Emotionally Absent Mother’ (turquoise cover, I’m sorry I can’t recall the author). Oddly, it taught me how to mother myself, something my weary soul desperately needed to do, to learn a new way of speaking kindly to my body, my spirit, who I am. I had some personal work to do anyway, but this book really opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to intentionally learn how to mother myself, and re-mother hurting parts of myself, in the journey of readying myself to mother another. Love to you, Erin, and all of your readers who are hurting in this way. Xx
Erin – I want to thank you for creating a community where random readers that aren’t going through the exact same thing can find comfort. More specifically, I have one child and have come to the decision that I think I might be good with one. The guilt I feel about not giving her a sibling really plagues me. And then I stumble on to this post and read the comments and the support – especially from only children saying that they were happy & content – is so calming to me. I am very sorry for the loss & grief that you’re experiencing. Please know that you’ve created life here in this forum for women to be open about what they’re struggling with and find support – and in today’s day & age, that creation is no small feat. My daughter and I (who’s only 9 weeks younger than your Henry) will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.
Infertility is so very isolating, I hope you can take some comfort in all of these wonderful and supportive comments that you are not alone. We struggled with infertility through 6 rounds of IVF and had our son in 2010. We wanted to give him a sibling but it was not in the cards with my 42 year-old eggs. We used an egg donor, froze the embryos, and got pregnant on the first try. That decision was fraught with SO much worry that the child wouldn’t be mine biologically. We now have an energetic three year-old boy who completely exhausts us but I can’t imagine our lives without him. Egg donation is certainly not for everyone but it was the answer for us. Best of luck.
So sorry for your struggles. It isn’t easy. Just want to add that large families do not have a monopoly on happiness. Your family of three can be just as happy, even happier, than the bigger families you see around you. Every kind of family is special, embrace yours. That said, I hope you have the second child you dream of.
I know what you mean, Erin! We have been trying for a second and it’s not happening, and it can feel frustrating to see Instagram filled with baby pictures. I decided I can live just as fine with one child, if not better. I am an only child myself and I had the happiest childhood, filled with friends and pets and visits to grandma, so please don’t worry about Henry. He’ll be the happiest kid with or without a sibling simply because of his loving parents …
Social media has its wonderful perks but it also promotes unrealistic standards. I’m sure you know that. For example, on IG I see working mothers with a crazy schedule , five kids under the age of 10 (one of them a new born) and I wonder how that could ever work. I have to make serious efforts and carefully plan baby & me time, hubby & me time, or just plain “me time” and it’s not always working, and I’m not even “drowning” in work. Some career oriented people have kid after kid without realizing it’s virtually impossible to spend quality time with each and every one of them, check and help with their homework, read them bedtime stories… The tank must be really empty at the end of the day!
I just had my third miscarriage in December 2017. I had my son 5 years ago relatively easily but very much struggled to get pregnant with my daughter and had 2 losses before having her. I surprisingly got pregnant just after she turned one but like you, at the 8 week ultrasound, we could see there was no heartbeat. I’m also 38 and I have a diminished ovarian reserve so time is not on my side. Try to be gentle on yourself and take good care of yourself. You’ve been through a lot. And try to keep the faith. I really believe that miracles can happen when you believe in them. As for me, I just booked an appointment with the acupuncturist who I saw when I got pregnant with my daughter and I’m starting to take all the supplements that are supposed to help my old lady eggs. Best of luck! We’re pulling for you!
Dear Erin – I am sorry for your heartache, but I feel hopeful that you’ll find peace with or without a sibling for Henry. I’m a bit older than you and unable to get pregnant naturally, so I know what you’ve been through. I’ll say a prayer for you and Andrew. All the best.
Dear Erin, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My daughter shared a book with me “The year of living Danishly” by Helen Russell. She got pregnant naturally after moving for a year to Denmark and researching on happiness topic (Danes are famous for that). You are my model-designer. You created a style that I follow and that never fails me. I really want you to be happy. Please do not lose hopes.
Giiirrrl! I’ve been there. Ended up adopting 2 girls who are the light of my life but still. There should be a special support group for type a driven ladies facing infertility. I mean, something about ‘I’m doing everything right and not succeeding’ just doesn’t compute amiright? From the other side…whatever happens, you will make the narrative fit. The easy 2nd, 3rd, 4th pregnancies won’t sting (as much). It won’t be like this forever! Funny (kind of) side note: I saw a therapist who tried to reassure me that the phase of life where people are always announcing pregnancies doesn’t last forever. True for most, but my husband is the 8th of 10 kids, so we went right from his siblings constantly announcing babies to his nieces and nephews! I can laugh now, but it was purely brutal when I was in the thick of it. Hang in there…your family will seem complete to you, one way or another, one day.
Keep the faith, beautiful Erin. I’m so sorry for you loss and sadness. Focus on extreme self care and self love. XOXO Nancy
Hang in there, my friend. My heart aches for you. Sending you love and light.
Lifting you up in love and prayers, Erin! 💕
My heart goes out to you both.
I’m so sorry, Erin …
I want to write so much to you, but I’m so afraid of messing up. Instead I will send you and your beautiful little family lots of love and good wishes.
Hang in there, Erin! You’ll be surprised how things change when you’re not looking.
You are incredible. Strong, humble, determined, loving, vivacious. I do not know the depths of your struggle as I am not a parent myself but I can say that Henry will count himself among the luckiest for having you as his mother, sibling or not. That is all you and you have earned it. Thank you for all the joy, beauty, and honesty you bring to the world through your work. It really is inspiring. Praying that your journey brings you more days of joy than sorrow.
Long time reader and admirer of yours, Erin. Best wishes and prayers for your beautiful family!
Erin, so sad for you, I cried for you last night, I have been there, you are young, you have time. But here is my question for you, while the last thing you want to do, I am sure is see another physician, do you think you have been adequately worked up for recurrent miscarriages, it sounds like you have now had three which would kick you into a work-up separate from your other fertility issues. Have you been tested for Factor Five Leiden and other blood clotting issues? The Brigham has a recurrent miscarriage program. I know your physician is great, but sometimes really good physicians get stuck on one track and it can always be good to get a second opinion as exhausting as it is.. good luck, we are all rooting for you…
Oh Erin, I am so incredibly sad to read this. I know ALL of the emotions, hopes, plans, daydreams, thoughts, and fears that go into the whole thing and it’s near debilitating at times. When I was young, I thought I could plan exactly when I’d have my kids and it would be as easy as that (hahahahahahahaha so naive!). Now that I’ve had many, many losses, as well as some successful pregnancies too, I realize that the power is in being comfortable and happy with what you’ve been given and not to let our fears paralyze us. There is such painfully little control we have over pregnancy and that right there can be debilitating. But you are going to be ok! And you still have time–don’t let the timetable you’ve set in your head drive what you think needs to happen. Be gentle on yourself. I know how hard it is.
Erin, I’m so sorry you’re going through this struggle (again). Infertility and pregnancy loss are incredibly difficult journeys. I’m 30 weeks pregnant with our first baby, via IVF, after 5 years of infertility. Just recently, my best friend said to me (coming from a good place) that she thinks I’ll have this baby and then get pregnant again naturally without even trying. Sadly, I just don’t believe in those “IVF urban legends” anymore. Hope is such a delicate emotion when it comes to infertility. Take care of yourself. And remember what an amazing Mama you are to sweet Henry.
I have told you some of these things before, but I want to say them again.
I have watched you from afar, like a second (or 18,924th) mom, and I really do feel so much for your struggle. I had that struggle too, it took me 2 years to have my only son, and I never did have another. I did not go as far as you have, as we could not afford it at that time. We tried for #2 for 5 years.
It devastated me, when we finally made the decision to stop trying – I was 36 and EVERYONE was having their 2nd or 3rd, without any effort whatsoever. It was 1994…People have no idea how hard this struggle is on a woman, and on a marriage. My brain decided that we would concentrate on what we had, Whitten, and not on what we could not have. And after a while my heart reconciled .
I did NOT want an only child, but was very grateful and we did our best for him.
We lost him in 2012, and I had no hope for a very long time. But little by little, hope appeared here and there. And now I realize that hope is what I have. Hope is how I go day by day.
Don’t let hope feel dangerous. You have to be vulnerable – that’s how you experience love.
If precious Henry is your only, then you will be a precious happy family of threeAnd you will have hope that one day, he will get married and have 3 babies, and how great will that be?!
I love you from afar.
Powerfully written, thank you for sharing this. I went down a similar road and felt many of the same feelings as you. I felt like I had failed as a human being as well as a few other nagging thoughts of negativity were taking up too much space in my brain. I too was concerned my daughter would sense that I didn’t feel complete….and yet I was. Then one day, I decided to only see the beauty of what is. The beauty of my healthy family , the beauty of being alive in a safe country, the beauty of possibilities. It was truly liberating to let go of what I thought my life would look like and trust in God/universe. This allowed me to see everything in a deeper way. However, to this day, I get an ache in my gut that I had 2 miscarriages and was unable to have any more than one child. This is all part of our human experience though and some of it sucks. Be gentle with yourself and life will one day seem very very bright.
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I got married at 37. After 9 rounds of IVF (some transfers only — not sure how to count!) over 6 years, (including one natural pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, cancelled transfers due to uterine lining problems, and three chemical pregnancies), I became pregnant via donor egg and had my little girl eight weeks ago, at 43. I know there’s nothing people can say to take away your pain, but infertility is such a hard road travel, and sometimes knowing you’re not alone helps. There are no easy ways to cope — whether people tell you to stay hopeful, or to accept the wonderful life you have and move on, for me it was all hard to hear. We have donor egg embryos left and are contemplating trying one more transfer (I would be 44 if it worked and we had a second baby!!). It’s so hard to decide – I would love to have another baby, but putting myself back into what was such a heartbreaking process is difficult. And I feel more attached to the frozen embryos now that I have a baby from that cycle, so I’m worried that losing them would feel even more traumatic, if that’s possible. I have read your blog for years but never commented, but just wanted to reach out and say I understand how hard and painful the process is, and how difficult the decisions are to make. I am sending positive thoughts and energy your way, even though I don’t know you!
Erin -my heart breaks for you. I am a long-time reader. In fact, I started reading 8 years ago when I was 42 and pregnant with my third child after infertility, miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy. You have such strength and grace and I wish you relief from this heartache.
I never comment but felt I should…..I’m about your age and have lost 2 in 6 months. I was already into my second trimester with one of them. It’s a very lonely grief. No one really understands, I don’t even know what to say myself…..my poor husband has no idea what to do. You see people have kids that don’t want them or can’t afford them and it makes you despondent. Everything seems to ridiculously unfair. I hid for a while, and then made myself super active and can’t say which is better!
I will say that self care has helped me immensely. I’ve skipped out on baby showers and avoided people who were pregnant. You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. For now, I’m taking a step back and saying screw it. Enjoying life for a few months without being so hard on myself. Just know you aren’t alone and there are people out there in the world that understand. Hugs.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had my children through fertility treatment and unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to understand the pain. Be gentle with yourself. XO
Wishing you and Andrew fair winds and following seas on this journey of hopeful. franki
I pray you get pregnant again and have two wonderful kids… God bless!
Warm regards from Bucharest, Romania!
My husband and I are both only children as are two of granddaughters. We don’t feel feel we have missed out on anything and nor are we lonely. Our granddaughters are well-adjusted, independent, mature beyond their years and loving, delightful young ladies. Contrary to some people’s belief, only chlldren are not spoilt, in fact, grow up with a great sense of responsibility and the ability to spend time on their own and amuse themselves. I feel your loss and your desire for another child. I don’t think we women ever outgrow our need to nurture but desire a child for yourself not your son. He will be content and happy with your love . Cherish your beautiful boy. I hope your hurt and pain grows less with each passing day.
Please take care of yourself and put your health first, especially at this time. Get together with friends, exercise, make time for you. Delegate work as much as possible. Possibly you may want to check in with another doctor to see if anything has been missed, so you will be in an optimum place for the next “frosty.” Take care.
“desire a child for yourself not your son. He will be content and happy with your love . ” This is brilliant advice that I am taking for myself as well. I know in my heart that my daughter is so happy and well adjusted being an only, as I was, but society makes me feel that I have done her wrong based on quantity and nothing else. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. Much love to you and your family. xo
Thank you for sharing. I have followed you for so long and we have children the same age. I am in the middle of my own five year fertility journey, gearing up for another cycle. It’s your willingness to be transparent that reminds us all we aren’t alone.
You are amazing Erin. I just want you to know, you inspire me everyday.
I can relate all too much to your fertility struggle. After the rollercoaster of heartache and tears of IVF rounds, I got pregnant at 46. We then discovered it was twins with only egg and I had a healthy, easy pregnancy. Please take running out of time out of your worries and continue to focus on doing what is right for you and share your experience with others. As a true “older mom” with 14 month olds, I’m reminded daily that we can redefine what women are capable of achieving despite statistics.
I am really sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I too suffered through numerous miscarriages, but I did have two sons and now that they are 29 and 23 I can look back and say I would go through it all again to have them. It gets better.
Powerful post. Your story was my story–almost exactly, except none of our “frosties” worked and then I got pregnant naturally. Subsequent pregnancies failed and even though we’re way past having another, I still cringe when I think of my sweet son not having a sibling. He, however, knows no different. And so many people who grew up as only children give me reassurance that all is okay. Your Henry is beyond beautiful. Keep loving the hell out of him. I know what you mean about resisting hope. I tried swapping my hope for gratitude (just as you said at the end of your post) and it really worked wonders. So keep being thankful for all of the wonderfulness around you–because the rest of us have great, great hope for you! xoxo
I have no words of wisdom to soothe your sadness. My heart aches with you today as I pray for a happy resolution.
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. We are all virtually holding your hand and drinking that glass of wine with you.
Your words are so heartfelt that they brought tears to my eyes. But I am here to let you know that just one child is not so bad. I had just one and she just turned 30 and she is expecting our first grandchild. We are so close and always have been and I often wonder if we would have been this close if she had to share me with siblings. She wants a large family and I often think that is because she was an only child and it makes me sad that I was not able to give her that but she is smart and successful and articulate and poised due, imho, to the fact that she traveled everywhere with us. This is a difficult time and my heart breaks for you and while you already know it, you have a beautiful son and what appears to be a wonderful life and hopefully those things will help you recover from these difficult times. Thank you so much for sharing…you are brave and honest and real and I think your readers appreciate that.
I am so sorry for your losses. That is incredibly painful. I read your words and on so many levels they ring true with my own experiences. We had three losses and it was gut wrenching. I still remember each one and their due dates, etc. Praying for you.
I feel your pain, but know you are not alone, and are incredibly lucky to have one child of your own. That in & of itself is a true blessing & miracle! I wasn’t so lucky, but have found utter happiness through adoption. Be good to yourself & hang in there!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband and I also went through a long struggle with infertility and IVFs and were so fortunate to have a happy ending. But I have been in that very dark place and will never forget it. Going through infertility, one thing I think I really struggled to learn was to let go (so hard for me), and acknowledge this was completely out of my control. I’m not religious but started to pray a lot. And the importance of taking care of and being gentle with myself. I wish you all the best.
Good luck to you, I wish you all the best!
You won’t remember but w while ago we realized we both had Dr. Ashby for our sons. I was 37, 2 months from 38 when he was born. I never had great eggs, never had embryos to freeze. I obviously don’t know if you are still at B&W but remember, these are the best doctors around. Dr A told me once after my 1st pregnancy ended in ectopic that all of the docs get together weekly and review everyone’s case. And as a team they make decisions for every patient. This may not make you feel better emotionally I won’t pretend I can help with that, but you are in the best place! If anyone can get pregnant at 39 it’s a B&W patient! Good luck to you, I wish you all the best!
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s courageous and heartbreaking. I had many years of infertility struggles and losses until I finally had my twins. I feel your pain and understand it. Hope is all that can carry us forward. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I have lost count of my losses (It could be 9 or 10) but I have never carried beyond 12 weeks. At also 39, I have come to terms with the fact that this is never going to happen for me. I actually had to stop reading your blog and stop following you on IG during your first year of motherhood because it was just too painful. I know when you are deep in the hole of pain and loss, no words provide true comfort. My husband and I just recently binge watched The Wire and have agreed that we want to foster ALL of the kids. This is not how I thought my life would turn out. I cry quietly alone when I think about how nobody will ever call me “mom”, and there’s no words anyone can say that lightens the sting of that very specific pain.
Lana, your candor and vulnerability here moved me so deeply. Thank you for taking the time to share this experience (and also for the reminder that curating one’s social media following can be integral to inner peace, why do I continue to torture myself). Your story made a difference in my life today and I know it did in others.
Erin, you are so amazing. And SO brave for sharing. As a fellow momma who has had losses late and early during pregnancy I can relate to some of your struggles. Its a bit of a different feeling, losing a pregnancy after you have a child, the loss feels different for some reason. I found it to be isolating from not only my spouse, but my friends. Know that you have an incredible community of people here, rooting for you and sending you good vibes. Sending all the hugs and strength I have your way. Hang in there. xx
I’m sorry, Erin. No advice to give, nothing I can say that makes this better. It just sucks. And I’m sorry.
Thank you so much for allowing us into your struggle and giving us the opportunity to hold space for you.
Can’t tell you how much I appreciate this post today of all days. I woke up this morning five days late, took a positive pregnancy test. At test i was petrified of even taking because I knew it wasnt possible to be pregnant naturally, I wasnt lucky enough to be that statistic that goes through ivf successfully and then just happens upon a pregnancy. But there it was positive. I called my husband crying and happy. He told me to call the dr. I called the dr and left messsages for both my obgyn and the called my RE to see if they though I should take some hormones like I did during my IVF round (which brought me twins so I should be content, right?) after I made both calls and as I waited for calls back – my period came. Nothing hits like you as hard as the ups and downs of this game. Thank you for this post. I felt like a fool today gettibg my hopes up just for that chance to bring another baby into the world. I know your pain and for me your post was so timely and appreciated. Good luck with everything. Henry sure is a beautiful boy and lucky to have you. Stay strong! Xo
Annie, thanks for *your* comment! Every time what hits me the hardest is the feeling of foolishness for getting my hopes up. It’s devastating. I’m so sorry to hear of your pain, but am feeling such solidarity in reading these comments in that I’m far from alone in these struggles. Thanks for articulating what I struggle to.
So very sorry for your loss. When I miscarried I felt confused and didn’t find much comfort from my doctors. I hope you are doing ok and know you are not alone. Miscarriage is the quietest of sorrows, because no one talks about it. Thank you for sharing your story and providing a platform for other women who have gone through the same experience.
I spent the better part of my thirties trying to have a 2nd. Rather than share the ins and outs of my own infertility, I can share that at 45 now, it gets better. I’m thrilled to have the one I do. I still mourn what didn’t happen, but I appreciate some of the positives of my situation too.
If you know of anyone else cycling now, I found a wellspring of support from perfect strangers who happened to be walking the same path at the same time. We’re still in touch.
Sending along positive thoughts and vibes for you.
My heart goes out to you. I had a similar appt with my first long awaited pregnancy. I will never forget being alone in the exam room
with the image of my lost child. This was followed by a tubal pregnancy that almost took my life and a miscarriage. Many tears and prayers along with a change in doctors led to a test for blood clotting lieden factor 5 that helped us with two successful pregnancies.
Erin, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for your comfort and peace of mind. You have a beautiful family and you are such a joy to so many people who read your blog. Definitely take care of yourself. My analogy is the oxygen mask on the plane. Parents take the mask for themselves first or they are no good for the kids.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that this happens and sorry that it has happened to you. I’ve been there and remember how empty and sad I felt during those years. I certainly don’t have all of the answers, but I can tell you that even though it sucks sometimes, in the end, everything will work out how it is meant to. What is meant to be isn’t always what we hoped for, but try to enjoy the happy moments. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you so much for sharing…it can’t be easy to sit with the pain in the time it takes to put it into words, but it makes those who are experiencing or have experienced the same heartache know they’re not alone.
We tried for 10 years after our first for another baby, the tests, procedures, one loss…and ultimately it didn’t happen for us. I always hesitate to share this when people are going through fertility struggles, feeling like it’s not hopeful enough, but for me it was hard to hear story after story of miracles when my miracle wasn’t happening. Instead I eventually found peace with a new plan, and there’s a kind of hope in that. I can honestly say that pregnancy announcements and new births don’t give me that feeling in my stomach anymore. We are currently fostering a 3 year old and are considering the possibility of adoption in the future.
I wish you and your sweet family the best and hope you continue to take time for yourself as often as is humanly possible…even when your heart starts to heal…it is so important and none of us do it enough!!
Thank you. Took me a total of 9 IVF cycles to have my two children, including two losses. Lots of love your way and thank you for being open and honest.
I am so sorry you have had to experience this. Take care of yourself……I also prepare for the worst. It is a survival technique. Prayers that there is a plan and it will reveal itself over timen and somehow make sense then. In the meantime try to take a deep breath and savor every moment you have with Henry.
Thank you for this. As a fellow IVF momma, and one who also suffered loss, my heart feels yours breaking. You are a brave and strong woman (and momma).
Thanks for sharing your story and your loss, pain, and hope. I am so sorry and saddened to hear about it. I can only say as a fellow mom, who has another decade on you, that life continues to throw you many unexpected challenges that makes the journey so difficult at times. But it’s so important to not focus so much on what you (or we) don’t have and instead to cherish what we do have. Hugs to you and all moms out there.
Much love to you, Erin. No one should have to suffer through infertility or the loss of a pregnancy or a child. I lost three pregnancies before having my twins after multiple rounds of IVF. Although there is no magic bullet, and everyone is different, I do wonder about the effect of stress on our hormones. Is there a way you can slow down a bit and take more time to focus on you? Although we would miss you, maybe streamlining things by putting the blog on hold for a bit would help? That may not be the solution for you, but you have so many loyal readers ( myself included), that I hope you know we’d be behind you no matter what. Sending you virtual hugs and lots of positive vibes.
Lucy, I say this with goodwill: suggesting a woman struggling with infertility has too much on her plate isn’t helpful. Women get pregnant and have babies in refugee camps, in horrible poverty, in domestic violence situations – are they not stressed? This isn’t something you can fix by relaxing, it’s mecical. Do people tell men with 0% sperm count to work less? Because if that would have saved my husband and I $30k in our IVF journey, I would have called his boss myself!
Lucy – you may not see this, but I want to apologize for misreading your initial comment.
Anne – as I mentioned, I’ve been through miscarriages and IVF myself, so I understand it is a medical condition. Your sarcastic tone indicates you are not responding with goodwill; I was not suggesting Erin could “fix this by relaxing.” What I said was I wonder about the impact of stress because Erin mentioned she’d been burning the candle at both ends. If you’ve done much reading on infertility, the impact of stress is a topic often discussed by medical professionals. I was trying to be supportive in stating that if she wanted to cut back on the blog, I feel confident that her readers would understand.
You are always such an inspiration…I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through…my heart is with you and family. Please do not lose hope!!! I will be praying for you! Thank you for being such a real person and sharing struggling times!
oh Erin, I’m so sorry. I read your post this morning on FB, and it’s stuck with me all day. Henry seems like a great little guy and the amount of resilience you and your husband show by just continuing to try is amazing to me. I completely understand being wary of hope right now. I’m so sorry for your loss (if that even begins to cover it).
Erin, you are beautiful to write about this and if it is only 1 then you know how perfect you are as a Mother. Congratulations and May God bless you always.
Please remain hopeful in the process and the plan. I’m turning 40 later this month and due w/#2 the day before my birthday (my first is a little older than Henry). For years my dr has asked, begged, and pleaded that I stop focusing on age (as they scribble AMA + in the corner of my charts;) But for real, there’s SO much to worry about, pls take it off your list. You guys ‘got this! And if Henry ends up an only, that’s ok too (writes a happy and well adjusted only-child ;) Good luck and hugs!
I am so sorry for your losses and for the pain and uncertainty that you are experiencing right now. I hope that you will truly make space to put yourself first, the rest can wait. Sending light and peace your way.
My heart breaks for you. I lost a pregnancy last year and found out at the 8-week ultrasound as well when we saw no heartbeat. I have never felt so sad, confused, heart broken…the list goes on. I don’t think I will ever forget the horrible feeling of that moment and I’m so sorry you have been there 3x- I can’t even imagine the weight your heart must feel. I’m thinking of you and your family and I wish you the best.
Erin, I can relate. I suffered two miscarriages when trying for my second child (the second was horrendous). In the end acupuncture brought me back to life emotionally AND, subsequently, helped me conceive and deliver a beautiful healthy second child. In NYC Basia Kielczynska at the Center for Health and Healing is THE woman to see for this. In fact, I forwarded her info to a friend a month ago who had been trying for some time and she is already pregnant. I found acupuncture did wonders for my spiritual equilibrium and put me back together at a time when I was truly broken down. Don’t be afraid to be selfish- you are the captain of the ship in order for it to remain upright you need to be okay!
I’m so sorry for your losses, I’ve followed your blog for years, we are just a year apart in age and I always loved that about your blog. When I 1st started reading I was living with my parents, now I’m married, we have purchased our 1st home and recently are attempting to start our family. We lost our 1st pregnancy late last year and I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant and just dreading my 1st appt at 8 weeks. Just like you I am glass half empty and struggling to feel any twinge of hope as I was just devastated the 1st time. Thank you for sharing your journey, it means so much to know you aren’t alone and not everything you see on social media is perfection. Best wishes and I pray that this last embryo is your rainbow.
I am so sorry that you are going through this- struggling with something that so many take for granted must be incredibly hard….I think you are very brave for sharing in all its ups and downs and heartbreak as well as joy… I am the mom of 2 grown sons and did not struggle with getting pregnant so I hope that even though it was relatively easy for me…I hope you don’t think it presumptuous to say how amazed I am at your strength to share your difficulties.
A spot of hope I wanted to share was that my last child was born when I was 39 and he was 5 years younger than my first…..and the fairly large gap between them has not impacted their closeness AT ALL!! So don’t be afraid of your age or that if you succeed Henry will not be best buddies with his sibling…..my sons are definitely each other’s best friend !!!
Love to all your beautiful family and I hope all the very best for you….I love what you are willing to share with us, good and bad and I am routing for you!
Thanks for sharing this, Erin. I’ve followed your story because we are the same age, my son Henry is just a month older than your Henry, and we also needed IVF. We have only one embryo from that round and have decided to try a transfer this fall. I am wary of hope, just as you are, because my hopes were dashed for years. This transfer feels like our last chance, and I’m trying to consider how i would feel with just our one perfect boy if the transfer fails. No easy answers, for sure , and we are certainly fortunate. Wishing you success, contentment, and a nice glass of wine tonight!
I have been trying for almost a year and a half and still no pregnancy. The negativity of “failing” each month is devastating. You are absolutely not alone in this struggle. As you mentioned, you just have to appreciate all the good you have (partner, success, and especially Henry).
You are grieving a real loss here- you deserve to be wallowing a bit now. Don’t rush the grief- it takes time. Something tells me your journey to motherhood is far form over. Lots of love !!
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. You are in company and have no idea the impact your blog and your stories have on so many others. It is easy to get caught up in all things IG. What a great place to learn things and connect. And for the most part people are nice on IG! But if your gut and your soul say to take a break in favor of a laugh with friend or a sweat at the gym, then do it. And do it without excuses or guilt. It will be hard at first. But stick with it.
Put yourself first. You owe it to everyone you care for – from Henry to your employees to your clients and to us who check religiously to see what you have to say for the day.
Deepest sympathies and healing thoughts as you process, mourn, grow and conquer.
You continue to amaze me. I look forward to your blog posts every week.
Sending warm thoughts your way…
So many people have walked a similar path…and yet when you are on it you can feel so alone. Funny that…
After 6 losses I had my first full term pregnancy at 39 and 11 months. Three more losses and my second full term pregnancy at 41. You still have time if you need /want it. Then again, I really took my moms word to heart…all it takes in 1 child to make you a mother. You are there. You made it.
Wishing you peace.
Thank you for sharing. My heart breaks for you as I have been there and continue to be there. The anxiety and gut wrenching pain associated with fertility struggles & miscarriage is always impossible for me to articulate and creates a loniliness and frustration I feel nobody truly understands, reading posts like this helps me. Good luck to you and your beautiful family, I hope your remaining beautiful embryo is “the one”!
Sigh. Hugs. We all have our own private box of sh*t. I’m sorry yours is stanky right now and I wish for you everything you wish for yourself. Life unfolds as it should.
My heart sank when I read the title of this post. Having been through infertility struggles myself, I can relate to the rollercoast of emotions and the toll it takes. In the depths of it, all it’s hard to see a silver lining, but I’m telling you Erin – this glass half full gal knows you will get there and the rollercoaster will one day seem like blip on the radar. Hang in there! Wine helps ;)
My deepest sympathies.
I am a fertility challenged warrior. We tried for 7 years to get pregnant on our own. I was ambivalent about having a child, sometimes I desperately wanted a child more than I could breathe and other times I felt like we had a good life and could be happy without a child. Then I hit age 42 and sh*t got real. I didn’t want to look back with regret and wonder what if? We tried IVF and miraculously got pregnant on our second round. I was pregnant with twins. We lost one of the babies, but despite great odds that other little baby survived. I delivered my amazing daughter at age 43. I was one of the lucky ones. And yet..
It has taken me years to grieve the loss of a sibling for our daughter. And every time she asks for a sister or brother my heart breaks. This little girl has brought so much love and joy to our lives. And while it is enough, there is still sadness and a sense of loss over what might have been. The sadness does lessen over time.
Whatever your journey, don’t count yourself yet. I only wish I had started IVF at age 39. :)
I am not someone who is framiliar with this struggle. I never wanted kids but appreciate the struggle and lengths some go to in order to have them. I am always impressed by your candor and appreciate that you let us know how you feel in the moment and not what you think you need to write on the public forum. I am sure you post has brought comfort to theirs. I wish you all the best on this journey and know if you become a family of four or stay your adorable three….you can handle it with grace and style and it will be what is meant to be.
So honest and heartfelt. Best wishes.
The “crushing thought” of having only one child need not be. We also tried to have a second child after having our daughter, but after feeling like it was becoming more and more of a science project and not natural, I stopped trying and have never looked back. Our family is complete with one daughter and yours will be too with sweet Henry if that’s how things work out and how God choses it to be. Just know that one child is fabulous and all will be well. Blessings to you Erin!
Erin I am so very sorry for your loss. It’s so unfair and heartbreaking and I know there are no words to help you in this saddest time. I am praying that you will hold another little Gates baby in your arms in the near future and in the meantime, for some peace for you. You are so brave to share this story, thank you.
I share in that grief right now also, just over a week ago at 17 weeks pregnant I learned that I miscarried my little boy (my second missed miscarriage after trying for over 2 years to conceive. I’m still reeling. It’s such a horrible blow to anyone who has to face it. I’m sending you a big hug.
Ugh, I have been there. It is such a mind f*ck. Our end result was two healthy girls, but the emotional journey about had me committed. I understand how you feel about wanting another child and not really being “done” until then. Do you and whatever makes you survive. Even if it includes not sending baby gifts for a while or blocking people on Facebook. Sending hugs and love to you, Erin!
This post makes my heart break for you… I really hope everything works out for you and just want to let you know that its been awesome to see how you’ve done such an amazing job raising Henry. Stay strong! Prayers for you!
Erin, I am so sorry for your losses, and I commend you for sharing your journey with the world. Your bravery makes others feel less alone.
I conceived my first baby via IVF after three gutting losses in a year. We started trying for a second when my daughter turned 1, and my first FET failed. My second FET took, but then ended in a traumatic miscarriage at 8 weeks. Coping with the physical and emotional effects of a loss while chasing a toddler = no joke. I felt like I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t imagine more shots, more potential for heartache, more guy wrenching vulnerability. But my therapist said something that kind of crystallized things for me: if I really wanted another child, I would fight like hell (through the fear, the shots, the anxiety) until it worked. No matter how long it took. BECAUSE IT WOULD ALL BE WORTH IT.
AND…he was right. The anxiety, the fear, the endless shots and appts, endlesssss tears all sucked — but my second sweet child is asleep in her nursery right now, and I would do it all again for her. (And probably will!!! For a third! Am I crazy?!)
Know that your bravery is inspiring, your anxiety is 100% normal, and you will come out the other side of this. Sending good thoughts your way!
It took guts to share this with the rest of the world, but your personal posts reach people who are going through the same thing. As you can see by the number of comments you’ve received, we feel for you. You’re not alone. I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I suffered unsuccesful fertility treatments and multiple miscarriages before adopting our perfect daughter. My husband and I struggle with being content as a family of three or attempting to grow our family again. Please know that you are not alone, reading your updates certainly made me feel less alone during dark days. Sending you light and love!
I am home recovering from my second polypectomy surgery this morning , after our first failed embryo transfer last month ( 2 egg retriveals before that). As someone who is in the depths of infertility, I know all too well the heartache and pain. As I sit here cramping and in pain, I can only hope that it’s leading me to my child. The struggle is so hard, but I’m so glad you are sharing it with the world. There’s nothing worse than scrolling through Instagram thinking everyone is popping out babies eaisly, when in fact it’s not the truth. Take care of yourself and your mind.
Thinking of you and your sweet family, Erin.
Hi Erin, thanks for sharing your story with everyone. I have a Henry a little bit older than yours who took a while to conceive so it’s been fun watching you guys on Insti! It seems myself and almost all of my friends have had troubled times getting pregnant and staying pregnant, I’m not sure why but it’s nice to know we’re all in it together. I remembering sitting at my desk at work crying after hearing of someone else I know pregnant with her second and I hadn’t even had my first. It’s hard not to “stay in your own lane” as they say. Especially with social media!! But it all ends up working out somehow. Have hope!! I like to keep my expectations very low if none at all so I’m not disappointed but hope is a good thing too. Good luck!!
Erin, I am so sorry to hear this. My condolences to you for this loss, and the losses before. It is such a hard thing to walk through, and I second the commenter who told you how brave you are to keep trying. Praying for you all today…
Erin, I am so impressed with your bravery in sharing this story. I can’t tell you how many people you have helped. I remember experiencing my own loss and thinking everyone else has it all together. It feels like you are the only one struggling, but your story and the ones I read helped me to know that I am not alone. I think you are beyond wise to take time for yourself and I hope you give yourself time to grieve. Sending all the love I can!
Oh Erin, my hearts breaks for you 💕 Henry is such a cute, spunky kid and I can totally understand your wanting a sibling for him. Know that you are in many prayers today!!
Your openness on your blog makes your faithful followers feel as though we know you and your family. From me to you – genuine sorrow for your very great losses but also hope for happiness and “success” whatever that may look like for you.
Wishing the best for you and your family
I’m so sorry.
You put so much beauty and grace into the world, I really hope you get another child to love!
Erin, a couple of thoughts for you:
#1 I am sorry. None of this is fair. It’s the worst. Do what you need to do to get through this. If that means taking a break from the blog, we will all be here when you return. Quit social media if it helps.
#2 remember that the hormones of IVF/ early pregnancy fade with each day making the long days of waiting more bearable in between cycles (that helped me with my hours of crying because my hormones were so so crazy)
#3 As someone on the “other side” I wish I could take some of this heartache for you. Wine and ice cream helps.
Erin, thank you for opening your heart and giving others a platform to share their own struggles with infertility and loss.
Thanks for just being you and keeping it real.
I am so sorry for your struggles and losses. I thank you for your vulnerability and am sending you love and healing. I have so many stories of friends similar to yours and am happy to report they all eventually ended in success (all Moms were over 40). I get it, hope can be scary and crushing. You are not alone!
Sending a prayer up for you. And thanks for the dose of perspective and for helping me remember to be grateful for the kids I have.
Your post is heart-wrenching, and I am so sorry you have had to endure these struggles. Thank you for bravely telling your story. I have faith for you.
Sweet girl… I’m so very sorry. My best friend is going through fertility treatments now- I know the heartache is so deep and so real. Thinking of you across the miles.
Just crying. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you (and so many others) are going through this. I have gone through eight first trimesters (complete with the barfing) resulting in three beautiful, healthy children. It’s been a journey with immense joys and some really dark, painful times. But there is a plan. You don’t understand it when you’re in it, but there is a plan, I can promise you that. Sending love and prayers to you and your family.
So sorry Erin..
The parallels here are incredible. After my own Henry was born via IVF in 2010, I suddenly (and absurdly, I also thought) became fertile myrtle, except my body couldn’t sustain any of these easier-to-achieve pregnancies. I endured four losses (under the care of your own much-beloved doctor), then we moved to the next state over, where we decided to try IVF with PGD and suffered a traumatic second-trimester loss (chronicled here: http://www.wbur.org/cognoscenti/2014/10/01/reactions-to-miscarriage-jennifer-handt), and I knew I couldn’t take any more. I was beginning the process of accepting that another baby might not happen and our “frosties” would stay frozen forever when, through a series of serendipitous connections, surrogacy became a real option. Our “rainbow” sibling was born via surrogate last year, and while I understand that my choices and path may not be for everyone, I would be more than happy to share everything I learned about surrogacy if that becomes a possibility. I fully understand how you can be full of joy and gratitude over one fought-for child and yet still feel a void. But for every moment of grief you may feel over your losses, I wish you 1,000 moments of joy to fill up your heart.
Consider yourself brave for trying, and the more you try, the braver you are! We had one wonderful daughter (after many years of trying) a month before I turned 40. I made a deal with the universe at that time “Just one healthy baby, and I’ll never ask for anything again.” Our wish came true and she has been the light of lives for the last 6.5 years. The truth is, I had to make the deal in part because I could not go through the cycles of Hope and Loss that is infertility again. I was not as brave as you. And if Henry does become your one and only, please know the three of you will be able to build a full, wonderful life together – with more travel opportunities and independence than larger families!
I am currently going through IVF because my husband and I are carriers of a genetic issue. We did PGD and PGS testing of all our embryos and learned some of our perfect embryos actually had chromosomal abnormalities (this is separate from our genetic issue and common in all women). Not sure if you did this with your current batch, but could 100% be worth trying if there’s a future batch. We worked with a company called Natera and they were amazing. There is still time for you to have the second child you desire. Thank you for sharing. Much love from Chicago.
They did not offer that to use before freezing but if we have to do another round I will insist we do it.
I did IVF and had my son at 42. I did a frozen transfer with genetic testing after looking at the numbers with my doctor. It has a significant impact on successful fertilization and live births. There a so many tough choices to make in this journey, but like the other older mothers here are saying, don’t let your age hold you back from going after the life you want.
I’m so sorry Erin. I had my son at 39 with IVF after 4 early miscarriages. We only had one embryo make it to day 5 and it tested PGD normal.
However, we did another round this past November and the PGD test is now much more advanced . Both embryos came back as abnormal, one as a mosaic. I knew nothing about this but if you google it there have been many prominent articles about it recently. Basically, they used to discard these embryos as abnormal but they are now finding out they can lead to live births. We had the clinic in NYC literally tell us to discard and then the next day call and say that maybe there is a chance. Long story short, we transferred it and sadly it didn’t take.
We are planning another round this summer (I’m now 42) and I do not want I do the testing. There are just too many question around what the results mean now and even the best doctors don’t know how to advise.
Just something to research and think about beforehand as I knew nothing about “mosaics” and then found myself in the position to have to make a huge decision around it.
Thanks for sharing. It means a lot to those of us that have been through it and continue to struggle with this.
First, I love that picture of you and Henry.
I hope you do take your own advice and take it easy on yourself. This whole parenthood journey is so crazy, stressful and unpredictable…and I especially don’t like that last one! I won’t relate all of my personal experiences down this road, but I found out a couple weeks after my 40th birthday I was pregnant. She just turned a year old. I never thought I could or would have a baby at this age but I have and I realize it’s just an arbitrary number after all. Don’t let 39 scare you. My aunt had her one and only at 41 and now her daughter just got accepted into two prominent colleges in DC. Again, I hope you can find peace and the strength to do what YOU want. I don’t doubt your strong determination.
I’m so sorry, Erin and Andrew, for these losses. As I age and look at the families of my friends and acquaintances I realize time and again that almost no one has a family, and specifically the number of children, that they thought they would have. It turns out, much to my horror, that we humans don’t have as much control over things as we’d like. That is a very difficult reality for me to wrap my mind around and perhaps it is for you too. I am so sorry for your pain.
So much love to you, Erin. And so much gratitude for everything you share here.
I just wanted to say one more thing…I am an only, and not by choice for my mom! I know she would have loved to have had more kids. And definitely there were times I wished for a sibling. But I grew up incredibly close to my parents, and still am today. It was a great childhood, and now that my Mom is a grandmother (2 grandchildren), I think she genuinely feels like it was a fulfilling family path. XOXO
Hi Erin, Sending you big hugs and lots of strength today and every day. I struggle with that “only child” as well, my marriage fell apart when my 3 year old little girl was 3 weeks old. Not only was I a new mom, now a new single mom and 33. At 36, I don’t have a second marriage lined up at the moment, and that kid question comes up. But I focus on the positive. Our bond is unshakable as a result of being the team that we are. I know she’d be a magnificent older sister, but I also know that might not be our story. It takes time though.
In the meantime, that oxygen mask in motherhood is so important: it goes on you first, so you can take care of everyone else. That was also a tough lesson to learn, and I wish I had hired sitters more often and gotten more pedicures, instead of feeling like I was drowning in my circumstance.
You are a beautiful mother and person and I certainly am rooting for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard.
And that’s all. That’s what I’ve always told people to stop at. Don’t say it will be okay – because, how do you know? What kind of guarantee are you offering? Sometimes the worst happens. It’s not always okay. I know that this doesn’t mean your life is over, but it also doesn’t mean you have to run around reassuring others that you will be okay. Right now it’s not okay and you have the right to feel that. To feel it deeply and in an ugly, scared, scarred way. One part of taking care of yourself is not having to take care of other’s feelings about what has happened.
Thank you for sharing – having been on a similar journey, it helps so much when others share mid-story. I too always wanted to just jump to the end, to know what I was going to have to cope with. I’m sorry life isn’t kind in that way or in many ways. I hope you’ll get what you want – and I’m really not a negative person. I just have been hurt by the impulse to rush ahead to reassurance without acknowledging the (very sucky) now. My best to you.
I’m so sorry.
I had an IVF baby 3 months after you had Henry so I feel like I’ve been on this same gut wrenching journey with you. I was 41 when she was born. My husband and I were beyond happy to become parents.
And like you, with the clock ticking even louder, we tried for baby #2 with a saved frozen embyro a year after we had our first. I was convinced it would work since we had such luck with the first transfer. But, in the end, it didn’t work. And we had no more embryos to transfer and I was almost 43.
It was a really sad time. And I just let myself feel it all, I cried a lot and it was really difficult. Not to mention friend after friend getting pregnant so easily. It just wasn’t what I had imagined my life would be.
What was most painful was deciding to close the door on the idea of having another child. In the end, I realized it was the right decsion for us. And what I found is that it ultimately brought me more peace and happiness. I have an adorable toddler who is the light of my life and stopping to wish things were different let me appreciate the now…but it was a long process to get there.
Thanks for sharing your experience with all of us. You are not alone! Wishing you the best.
I am so very sorry for your losses. Focus on Henry and Andrew. You don’t know what the future holds. You are a very brave & courageous woman, especially for sharing your struggles with your readers.
We struggled for two years after our first with a different sort of infertility journey (scarring and surgeries) but the familiarity of loss and uncertainty is there, and halfway through this pregnancy, it hasn’t dissipated all that much – a defense mechanism that I’m okay with.
One thing that has helped me was making the decision that we WILL have more children. So it’s not a question of IF, it’s just the WHEN and the HOW that are uncertain. While I had dreams and intentions for kids very close together, I know I will find all sorts of blessings in a larger age gap. And if we need to go down the road of surrogacy or adoption in the future, I am grateful that we have the financial resources to do so and live in an age and place where it’s a very workable option.
My now three year old was born a few weeks early and looking back, there were so many blessings (that word again!) that came with that exact timing – the lifelong friends from my new moms group (a crucial support network as 4 of the 6 of us have struggled with secondary infertility), the incredible caretaker we found for our daughter, even the career implications that would have been different had she arrived on her due date. Looking forward, I can’t imagine what special things will come out of the timing of our next addition, but I feel confident it will become clear in time.
As a type A planner, the losses were compounded by the feeling that I have no control over the things that matter most in my life. So I’ve been working to embrace that fact and see what I can learn and how I can grow through it. Maybe a bit too campy for someone one week out of a fresh loss, but it’s been incredibly helpful for me to think about how these experiences have been forcing me to become more of the person, friend, partner, and mom I need to be (though don’t always want to be).
No matter how you feel at any stage, you are entitled to those feelings and your choices. There isn’t a right or wrong answer – just what’s right for your family at a given point in time. With the love you have surrounding you, I’m sure you will all find your way together. Will continue to think of you and obsess over every Henry post! Thank you for the courage and vulnerability you share with the world.
You’re brave to share this – sending a warm hug from Minnesota to you in Boston. As a fellow uber planner, it’s so hard to want and plan for something only to have the plan not realized despite all best efforts. Whether you change direction, or you keep going, know that it’s the right decision for you. We’re all here for you, in our striped cable knit shirts with our Starbucks in hand, cheering you on no matter what.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It took me 11 years to have a baby, and my husband and I are talking and dreaming about a second blessing now. I know that hope can feel dangerous but it healthy and can help brighten your days. I pray that you stay encouraged and that you, Andrew and Henry can move forward in to much brighter days ahead!
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with all of this. I don’t know if this could align with your motherhood goals, but after my own failed IVF cycle I ended up needing to move to using donor eggs. We are happy parents to a great little dude now, and I have more confidence about our next attempt going well because some spry young 27-year-old’s eggs are involved. Feel free to reach out privately if you’d like to pick my brain about that process at all.
Erin (and Andrew) – I am so sorry to hear about the troubles and pain that you are going through. All things infertility/miscarriage are hard to bear. I have been there as so many of your readers have…I am sorry for how your hearts must be hurting. Both of you will be in my prayers. I will be rooting that whatever is next brings happiness and joy and will send out all good thoughts to the Universe for that to be a healthy pregnancy and baby for your family.
Erin – your sharing of your journey through infertility and motherhood has helped me heal from my own infertility journey and a really tough bout with Body Dysmorphia Disorder following a miscarriage. For me, the miscarriage felt like a cruel joke (we had decided to stop treatment and just be us and a few fur babies). It shook me to my core and my sense of self-worth is slowly coming back (most of the time). Your blog and break it gives from the reality of my day has been part of taking care of me. Please remember to keep taking care of you as juggle all the good things in your life and all the crazy things. Hang in there. Best wishes, Stephanie
I’m so sorry Erin, I too know the heartache that comes with infertility. Keep trying…sometimes blessings take time. Xoxo
I’m so very sorry and I wish you all the best in getting through this. Keep giving gratitude, and I know you feel so grateful for all you have. I believe it is the best way to pray.
Erin, I’m so very sorry to hear of your pain and struggles. But please know that if Henry ends up being your only child that being an “only” can be wonderful. I am the only child of “older” parents, and while there were many times in my life that I wished for siblings, my little family was happy and whole. Henry will feel immensely loved, and will not feel like something or someone is missing. Please try to find peace and fulfillment with your family as it is now – it can be enough. I’m not suggesting that you give up hope, far from it. But please do not worry about Henry being an “only,” and take care of and love yourself.
as a mom really struggling with the question of whether to even try for another after the first, this comment is very helpful.
Erin- thank you for sharing your personal journeys here. i hope that you get that 2nd baby bc you’re clearly a great mommy! and if not, i hope that the heartache eases.
I completely get this…
Had my first baby with fertility treatments at age 38. Hubby said he couldn’t go through all that again so I made my peace with being a one-child momma. Surprised at a “natural” pregnancy— at age 39. All went fine and our son was born last month. Only to say— it CAN happen for you!—don’t let it get in your head about age. You aren’t too old, etc. keep up hope and faith- we will send you our good vibes for another blessing. Xoxo
My heart breaks for you. Sending positive, fertile vibes your way. I applaud you for your candor and sharing . May just make it easier for one other person to know that they are alone.
Hang in there! I had my kids at 38 and 40., with a loss before each one. It sucks! But you do have time.
I’m so truly sorry for your loss, Erin. I know too well the struggle of trying to have a second child after trying with IVF for 5 yrs. We stopped trying last year – I turned 40 and my son turned 7. I didn’t want to have kids that far a part and we were just done with the repeated heartache of failed cycles. I realized I had to grieve for the family i always pictured and learn to accept the one I had. I still have a twinge of pain every now and then but I have come to love our family as is. We just got our first fur baby this weekend and my son seems to relish in the companionship. I hope you and Andrew have success with a second child. I really do. But know you will (eventually) be ok if you don’t. *Hugs*
I should add that going through all of this made be extremely grateful for having a child and my heart goes out to anyone struggling to become a first time parent.
I too have been in that room, filled with optimist hope, to see nothing and hear nothing. The crush to your soul can never be described to anyone who has not been in that same moment. Then you try again and are terrified. Terrified every day. The joy is robbed, the optimism is replaced by crippling fear.
I’m so sorry this happens. I’m sorry to hear this has happened to you multiple times. You are in my thoughts.
I sympathize with all you’ve gone through to have Henry and all you’re going through to have another. You should stop only when you, Andrew and/or your doctor tells you to. My 3 kids, now grown, are all my biological children so I have no personal experience with adoption, but for some it is an option. It may not be for everyone and I don’t know if it would have been for me, so I certainly cannot suggest this is the road you should follow. For some it is so I just wanted to mention it.
Meanwhile, if you are determined that another biological child would make you happier, I wish you the best in your journey. I’m an only child and I think my parents were always happy with just me. Everyone is different. 😀
Thank you for sharing, it is so hard what you are going through and there are no easy answers. You and Andrew will know what is right and what path to go down. One day at a time. I had my boys at 42 so don’t focus on the number, focus on you, your family and it is ok to be mad, frustrated and grieve.
As an IVF momma of one (after 8 years of procedures!) there will always, always be pangs in my heart for the siblings that never came. I understand the longing, and the physical and emotional pain. I really, really do.
But I do have my beautiful, miracle child. Who is not “just one” but a very loved one. Who is enough. She, her daddy and I are the Three Musketeers , muddling through the best we can, usually, quite well.
There is nothing I can say that will make this better. It will be better. Just hug Henry and hug yourself.
You are in my thoughts today Erin. I am so sorry for the losses you have experienced. I have three girls and have experienced “only “one miscarriage(today was actually the due date two years ago) and I think about that loss frequently. I cannot imagine going through fertility issues like you and so many women go through. My heart goes out to you and Andrew. Take time to grieve and I will be sending positive thoughts your way.
ugh, i’m so sorry to hear about the losses! The worst! You are CRAZY strong!
We are all here for you and you are not alone. I finally got (and stayed) pregnant at 38 on IVF #3. Once my son was born, we started trying again when he was 1. FET of genetically tested embryo, didn’t take. IVF again (you’re only 40 my dr said). Miscarriage at 10 weeks. Devastating. We’ve moved onto donor eggs. Our 27 yr old proven donor produced no blasts – ha! Guess age isn’t always everything. Onto donor #2. It’s hard.
I’m so sorry that your are going through this. I became pregnant a few months after I got married (I was 24, and yes it was planned). I spent 9 months throwing up and in the moment said one was enough. When my son (who is now 16) was born I had severe complications and the doctor told my husband to prepare for me to not make it. I did thankfully but it meant I couldn’t have any more biological children. At 24 that was pretty devastating. I hated going to the baby store to buy things and seeing other moms with gaggles of kids in tow. It just made it harder. We did eventually adopt (which was nearly as traumatic an experience as giving birth, with two failed adoptions, neither option was an easy one). I suppose I’m sharing just to say I understand what you’re going through, and how much the need to love these little blessings consumes you.
Oh, Erin! My story is a lot different from yours. I am the mother of six children. I had four boys and was determined that I was going to have a girl. In the fall of 2002, my wish came true! I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Life couldn’t have been better.
Six weeks later, a phone call sent my life spiraling down a dark hole. The dermatologist on the end of the line was telling me something I couldn’t wrap my brain around. My oldest son, Jarrett, had melanoma. He was just 13 years old. Three years later, I would bury my son….one month after his seventeenth birthday.
19 months later, my husband of 20 years walked out the door. He was having an affair with a 23 year old.
I was 38 with four young children and I didn’t think I would survive.
But I did. I married again shortly before my 41st birthday. We planned on having a child together. I needed something wonderful.
I got pregnant right away but sadly miscarried at 10 weeks. We moved quickly to IUIs and IVF. Three years of cycles and surgeries later….I finally got pregnant. Our little boy is almost 4 now… and he is brought me redemption after all the sadness.
I was 44 when he was born.
I wasn’t going to give up. And while I don’t know you in real life- I have a feeling you won’t either. Just keep pushing yourself and your doctors to come up with a new plan. None of my cycles worked until I asked to change the protocol back to the old school one- we used birth control to begin with, then oral estrogen, then progesterone in oil shots.
Sending you love from here! Henry will be a big brother one day soon.
It has never occurred to me to look at “when are you having another baby?” as a compliment, that is an interesting perspective; I have only seen as an inference that our family is not enough, that we are incomplete by society’s standards, as innocuously reinforced as the stock families inserted to Tiny Prints or Minted holiday cards are always at least four, unless it is parents with a new baby.
Our daughter had developmental issues that rocked our marriage. When I was pregnant with her, we presumed we would have two children, but the stress of her uncertain future and it’s emotional and financial toll…it became clear that our marriage and our family would be stronger and more healthy as a party of three. As an only child myself, closer to my parents than anyone else I’ve ever met with a childhood I wouldn’t trade for ANYone’s, this concept did not alarm me. Of course I still contemplate it all the time, per our initial plan for two, but she is healthy, and she has defied projections; I feel selfish for entertaining such thoughts of “what if” for long.
I understand you want a second child deeply and I want that for you, and can’t imagine the hardship of lost pregnancies. But please remember that there are those that don’t find their only child, or own childhood, a “crushing thought”. That this life with one child, now so much healthier and still receiving therapy to lessen the gap with her peers, is a dream come true to be simply walking, talking, and engaging which at one time we thought was not a life she/we would not have.
In no way was that meant as dismissive of people who have one child- at all- just how I feel right now. I picture us with two children, and so the idea of one is something that does upset me. In this moment of loss. Doesn’t mean it always will.
Thanks for sharing, and I’m sorry for your loss. I am also struggling to have #2, and have found comfort in this Cup of Jo post more than once in the past few months: https://cupofjo.com/2018/01/on-having-an-only-child/.
Erin, I know how you feel and admire you for sharing your story so publicly. You’re absolutely right. I truly feel like after you have a baby, you realize the potential in any pregnancy, and there’s so much more to mourn. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s difficult when people ask about whether you’re having a second, when this is such a private matter. Also, it’s not easy to keep it all together with work, a toddler to care for, etc.
During our first attempt at IVF, I produced 1 egg, and it was a cycle that should have been cancelled. Miraculously, our son is a result of that one and only egg that “didn’t look so perfect.” We’ve attempted to have a second, and each time that IVF fails, it gets harder and harder. When I conceived the old fashion way, I was elated. It felt like a dream come true, until that first ultrasound where we learned we had lost that pregnancy.
It has taken a while, but I realized that the more I immersed myself in fertility treatments, the more miserable I felt. In a desperate attempt to become pregnant again, I become a hormonal mess during fertility treatments and was not present with my son. When it started to take away from enjoying my family, I had to take a step back. While I would love to have a sibling for our son, I realized that I felt more like myself and was a better mom/wife when I focused on what I do have. I live in Newton, so please feel free to reach out if you ever need to chat. Hang in there, Erin, and remember how incredibly lucky Henry is to have you as his mom!
No wise words, I just want to say that like the rest of your readers I am thinking of you and am so incredibly sorry.
I’m so sorry to hear this Erin. But do know that being a mom of an only child is amazing too. Ellison is my biggest joy and I love having so much time to devote to loving her with my whole self. I pray you get what you wish for and get to be a mom of another precious and healthy baby but if Henry is your only, he will be a lucky boy and you will be even luckier to have him to love for the rest of your days. Motherhood is the biggest gift and privilege of my life and I am so happy you get to experience it too. Thinking of you!
Hi Erin – I also have never commented on your blog but have been reading for years. May I suggest something to listen to? The seminar called “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown. All her work is fabulous (and she’s hilarious to boot), but one particular section in this seminar (available on Audible) might ring true to you. She speaks of the effect of Foreboding Joy that takes over when we lose our ability to deal with vulnerability – and you are in a deeply vulnerable situation right now. It may just help lend a little perspective on how you are dealing with these emotions and events in your life. I feel deeply for you as another mom of a single little boy who desperately wants another and is unable to do so. All the best…
I’m so sorry. Sometimes things are just shitty and we need to acknowledge that. Infertility is shitty. Secondary infertility is shitty. But you are not shitty and I’m pulling for you, lady.
Hang in there! I have had 5 losses and am currently doing a round of IVF (my stomach is black and blue and is killing me). I always have appreciated reading your stories on hear. It helps to talk about it!
My heart goes out to you. I’ve commented before on how devastating my Secondary IF was – it was the worst two years of my life.
I hate to be that person who asks more questions, but have you had any immune functioning tests done? I have a friend who had so many losses and had an issue that once addressed, allowed her to have a twin pregnancy (IVF) and a spontaneous pregnancy. Also, I highly recommend seeing Dr. Brian Berger for a second opinion – my sister gave birth to her baby at age 42 thanks to him. Feel free to email me – I’m local.
I’m going to echo some more of the words above, but your ability to share and shine a light on this is so helpful to others, myself included! Your humor and passion and ability to make a living doing what you love… with that sweet family of yours— what a dream. It’s always easy to think of what’s not here— we all do it. I’m wishing and hoping that the fullness of your life starts to fill you. And cheers to that self care bit- you are so deserving of it.
I have never commented on your wall… but have been reading for years! People who want multiple Children ache for them — i feel you! We adopted two girls domestically after years of IVF struggles and i couldn’t be happier. We had a surprise natural baby 5months ago— and the love is the same. Someone could use a great family like your sweet family!! Always something to consider!!
So sorry to hear that you are going through this and thank you for sharing it here. We all need reminders to be thoughtful with our questions and there’s some things we just shouldn’t ask — even though it’s all in excitement.
I’m so glad you shared all of this and I hope that in reading these comments, you receive some comfort and, at the very least, know you’re not alone! So much of your story is mine – primary and now secondary infertility, miscarriage, preparing for the worst approach, guilt when it comes to taking care of myself, etc. There’s so much I wish I could share with you but will settle for this – I think it’s OK to allow yourself to say how much this all stinks. The loss of a pregnancy is so very hard and I don’t think enough people say that out loud or allow for that emotion. The initial outpouring of sympathy feels so supportive but your grief last so much longer than that and your heart is still breaking long after those around you have “moved on.” I think what has helped me is pushing through the guilt of doing things for myself – you need it now more than ever – and just pouring myself into giving our child the very best life. I think this helps remind me that she is living her very fullest life and so maybe, just maybe, the desire for a sibling is solely my own. Should we never be blessed with more children, her life won’t be any less big as a result. She won’t necessarily know what she’s missing as she only has her own life as comparison. In the meantime, I can also ensure that the community we are immersing her in is one full of friends from which she can pick her own siblings as another commenter stated. And while the desire to have another baby may never leave me, it’s comforting that every stage my daughter enters is just more and more fun for me as a parent. Hugs to you!!
I’m so sorry to hear about all you are going through but thank you so much for sharing. We are in almost the exact same situation as you (one boy (3 y.o.) and desperately trying for a second). Infertility is so isolating in a lot of ways but sharing openly about it is comforting for those of us in a similar position and informative for loved ones who are trying to be supportive. I will be praying for you. xoxo
I too have been down this road. I had my identical twins via IVF at age 39. My daughter was not born until I was 44 – through a frozen cycle. It can happen. One child is a huge blessing though. Stay positive. The universe always finds a way to do what’s best for us.
This serves as one more reminder that no matter what we see, or think we see, on social media we can’t really know what is happening in someone else’s life. Unless, they choose to share. Thank you for opening up your heart to us. I am sorry you are going through these terrible losses! My mama heart breaks for that pain. Clearly your dream for your family is to have more children and my prayer is that it happens and soon. I also want to say that I am an only child, my mother is an only child too and she chose it for me. I loved being an only , I just wanted to put that out there not only for you but for the other mamas whose hearts are feeling broken while trying to complete their family. Again, my prayer is that you get the chance to have what feels right for your family! Thank you for your willingness to share and keep this space so real life.
Oh Erin, I cried when I saw the subject line of this blog post just as I cried (happy tears) when you posted your pregnancy news with Henry. Thank you for sharing your life with your readers. We are all rooting for you and your happiness.
Sending so much love to you right now and always, Erin. I’m so very sorry for your losses. <3
My heart goes out to you. Wish you all the best!
I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. You are a woman I really admire, and I hate that you are going through this. All of your readers are thinking of you today, and holding you up in whatever way we can.
You and your precious family are in my prayers. Praying for comfort, peace, and strength. Thank you for sharing your story. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is such a brave, and uncommon, thing to do in this age of social media. We should all be so courageous. I have no doubt your story will touch many people and may be just the thing that was missing for them in their journey to heal, keep trying, move forward, whatever the case may be. Sending love and hugs to you today, sweet Erin! xoxo
Sending all of the baby dust your way. I had two failed IVF cycles, and a miscarriage at 10 weeks that was devastating, before I had the twins. Although it fades a bit, I still remember the intense feeling of loss I felt when the ultrasound tech said there was no heartbeat. Lots of love to you.
I don’t often feel compelled to comment but today I want to. I was hoping your silence this past year would bring some good news, so to hear what you have been going through is just heartbreaking. I am also a ‘prepare for the worst’ type person, so I get exactly how you feel there but you know, we do not know what is round the corner and a year from now you could be writing a very different post. You just don’t know, and I hope that the ‘not knowing’ is worth having that strength to keep trying. That little Henry smile that lights up my Instagram feed is the most inspiring of all! Thinking of you and sending much love from many miles away xx
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I didn’t have to go as far as IVF, but we struggled to get pregnant with our first two and did resort to fertility drugs in order to conceive them both. I can completely relate to what you said about the loss after Henry being harder — I knew the joy of motherhood and seeing that empty ultrasound screen twice in a row (between our girls) was gut wrenching. I’m now approaching 39 and was perfectly happy as the mama to two big girls, but surprisingly found out I was pregnant again earlier this year. I’m floored that it required no intervention and so immensely grateful for something we were never expecting. I’m thinking the “older mamas club” is going to be more fun than I ever expected and hope and pray you get to join me there.
Of course we all want the world for you! But, as the mother of one child, not “only” one child, a son, I have to say…it has been fabulous. Wrapping up another wonderful year of college, he picks his “siblings” and seems more than content with his own space and place in the world. You’ve given Henry life, and you’ve given him fabulous parents to share it with. Whatever happens, you are such a lucky, lucky girl! Best always and yes, take good care of yourself!!
Thanks for sharing this, it really helped this morning. :)
So sorry for your losses. If it makes you feel any better, I had planned to be done having kids by the age of 30. That was my plan. What actually happened is I had my first one at 33 and my second one at 43. You still have time. Best of luck to you. Don’t give up.
Erin I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. Thank you for choosing to share your beautiful heart with all of your readers and friends. I’m keeping you in my prayers for the grace of comfort during this time. Please know that all of us at Momeni are with you, thinking of you, and sending you a big hug.
Sending you my thoughts and my love, thank you so much for writing honestly about your pain and sharing it with all of us. xoxo hope you get to be home for marathon monday enjoying time with your husband and sweet boy.
Sending much love your way.
Your post this morning broke my heart. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now but hope you are able to heal and move forward. You are right, you have so much be grateful for but it is difficult to see that when you are in the middle of your own storm. Sending encouragement and positive vibes your way.
Hi Erin. Thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry this past year has been such a tough one for you. Best of luck to you and your family.
My heart goes out to you. I’m an IVF momma too. Seemingly unable to carry a pregnancy without shots in the ass and under the care of a doctor. I also know the pain of miscarriages and shattered hope all too well. Wishing you peace in your journey!
Erin, I wish I had something wise or helpful or amazing to say, but I’m coming up empty handed on this (rainy and gross) Marathon Monday. I have no words, but I am sending you big hugs, good vibes, and prayers. Hang in there! <3
I have a son, and after 2 failed IVF attempts to give him a sibling, we stopped. A little part of me died inside when we made our decision. Why did I want a baby so bad? Was I not content with my son whom was my whole life? I felt so guilty. Throughout both cycles, I felt like I was half a parent…so consumed with having another baby. Once we decided to stop, we both vowed to repeat to each other and to ourselves…I am grateful for what I have today. My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are not and will never be alone.
Please put yourself and your family first. We can certainly get by with less posting … we’re with you for the long haul.
PS Can’t blame you for wanting one more after all the joy Henry has brought your whole family. Best wishes.
Erin praying for you. You are so brave and courageous to share .
I love that you are being open to what may be. Take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I know how heartbreaking it is having experienced it several times myself. I finally had three kids after I turned 40, but I was thinking/dreaming of my lost pregnancies just last night (which is something I rarely do, but I guess it stays with me.). Now I wonder why I didn’t save myself some heartache and consider surrogacy. IVF and fertility treatment is so expensive that I don’t think it would have cost much more. I think there are some wonderful women out there who carry babies well and find meaning in helping those of us who have a harder time. Whatever happens, I hope that you will be liberated from this sadness and will experience the family situation you long for.
It makes me hopeful to hear you had three kids after 40 though :) I MA we are lucky and fertility is covered by insurance, so it’s not expensive at all– but surrogacy is. And it seems my problem isn’t carrying babies, it’s an “egg factor”.
Hang in there, Erin. It’s hard, I’ve lived your story. You are a trooper – Henry and Andrew are right there to love and support you!
You are in my thoughts, Erin XO