I have so many friends who have been doing juice cleanses lately. And I can’t pick up a magazine without reading about celebs who do them before photo shoots or just to “feel their best” too. Every single one claims is a euphoric high and you’ll never feel better. So when given the opportunity to try it I of course, did. And this is how it went.
Monday: I don’t get the memo that I am supposed to be “pre-cleansing” by cutting our sugar, alcohol, crappy food and caffeine. Instead have had coffee, wine, grilled cheese and Indian food. Off to an excellent start.
Tuesday morning: My juice arrives. Open juice #1 and find it kind of not appetizing- tastes like straight up celery and cucumbers and front lawn, and I do not like cucumbers. Choke it down. Get concerned, think maybe if I add more lemon juice it will be better.
10 a.m.: Juice #2: tastes AMAZING, like a fruity pina colada. I can do this all day long people….
Lunchtime: I miss food. Already. Juice 3 is much like Juice 1 and am not loving it. Also feeling like my body is revolting against me and am kind of dizzy and unable to focus. Stomach hurts.
2 p.m.: I drink one and a half more juices- one of which I do not like so finishing it just cannot happen. Milky white nut waters really are not my jam.
4 p.m. Andrew makes coffee and smell nearly sends me into a homicidal rage.
4:01 pm: Must get out of this house full of food- I go to the gym and walk on the treadmill and watch TV. It distracts me for a bit until I catch a glimpse of myself in my new Lululemon leggings and think” Girl, you need a cleanse!”. Stay on task, lady.
5:30 p.m.: Get home and my Pavlovian response to have wine, chips and hummus is STRONG. Crabby and hungry I open one last juice.
6pm: Blindsided by a headache and light-headedness. NOT. COOL.
6:01: I fall off the wagon and eat an apple. Wait and see if brain tumor feeling headache goes away.
8:00pm: It does not. I have to go to bed because I can’t focus on tv with this headache.
9:00 pm Apparently I also cannot sleep with this headache. UGH.
3:30 a.m. Like, really can’t sleep. @$#%$^!!!!
Day 2
6:30 am I really cannot have any coffee after a night like that? Brew green tea instead and hope it helps my headache.
6:40 am Nope, not at all. Drink a juice instead.
9:30 a.m.: Can’t focus, feel sick, headache raging- I contemplate giving this up as I have a boatload of work and sitting upright has become challenging.
10:30 a.m.: Walk dog in a haze, eyesight gone wonky. What. The. Hell.
11:00 a.m.: Go to Whole Foods in search of “cheat appropriate foods” i.e. steamed veggies, celery and…well, that’s it. Almost pass out in the aisle. Grab a protein bar and house it. Wait 5 hours before headache finally goes away!
At that point I had officially given up on my juice cleanse. I mere 30 hours after starting. I feel like a failure, but also wonder how the hell people do this and feel “amazing”. I finished my week by not drinking alcohol, eating only super healthy foods full of veggies and very little animal protein and drink the juices as a supplement to my food. And THAT made me feel great and energetic. I’m not convinced if you live a relatively healthy lifestyle if you really need to viciously remove toxins from your system. Don’t our bodies do that naturally anyways?
I think it’s all about everyone’s individual chemistry, and maybe it’s because I didn’t ease into it, or maybe I just am too busy and stressed to be able to function like a normal human being on a juice cleanse. But I think for now I’ll stick with real food.
What about you? Have you tried it? Dying to? Nearly DIED from trying to like me?
