So, I had been planning to post today to announce that I was 3 months pregnant with Henry’s sibling- finally.  Instead, on Friday at our ultrasound, I found out we had lost the baby. I pondered whether or not to even say anything here, as this loss is big and brutal and messy, but I have found in the past 12 years of blogging, that whenever I open up about my personal struggles, you guys tend to be one of the most uplifting sources of support and reassurance. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it may seem too personal. But here I am. And I know I am not alone in my loss or pain.  And not feeling alone is one of the best ways to heal, in my experience.

This loss blindsided us. We had already seen a heartbeat and gotten the results of our genetic testing which came back all negative.  So while I had this nagging feeling of worry and dread since 8 weeks, I chalked it up to the trauma and stress of having lost two other pregnancies this year in my quest to expand my family.  But the old adage of “mother’s instinct” was unfortunately true. And as I sat there in the waiting room, with Andrew promising me it was all going to be okay, there was no need to worry,  I was terrified. And as it turns out rightfully so.

image via Etsy

Today I turn 39. I can’t believe this is the last year in my 30’s, I still feel like 40 is so far away and sounds so much older than I feel! Not that I’m scared of 40 at all, I actually think my 40’s may be my happiest decade yet.  I think the one thing that we all hope for in life is to feel a sense of contentment with who we are and what we’re doing with our time.  I have worked so hard to get to that place of feeling truly happy and fulfilled, but it has been WORK. I haven’t really had time to breathe it in and enjoy it all that much.  That’s what I’m hoping my 40’s brings, a little time to savor life.

But in this last year of my 30’s I still feel like I have some things to tick off my list.  Ideally, another baby. We’ll see about that, as it’s very much out of my control, but one of the things I most look forward to in my 40’s is putting my fertility battle behind me.  It’s been the most grueling part of this decade by miles- physically, mentally and relationship-wise. So wether we have another baby, consider adopting another or settle into the idea that our family may be complete just us three, I look forward to moving on.  It weighs on me everyday in so many ways and I hope I will have the grace to bring this journey to a close, and be happy with that resolution, however it ends.

My second  book will be released this year, and then that will most likely be it for me and books.  The book process is very arduous, time consuming and while incredibly rewarding as well, not something I plan on doing again for a while.  I so look forward to sharing this next one with you, and feel very accomplished in having written two books, but I need to save that energy for myself, my kid and the other aspects of my business that have bloomed in the last couple years.  I also want to be able to share my work with you as it’s completed, instead of having to embargo it for years.  I think it’ll be a boost to my business as a designer and I’ll always have this space to share with you my thoughts, both serious and silly. Seeing my first book in so many of your homes (and on the NYT bestseller list) has been one of the greatest accomplishments of my career. But I need to take a breath after this next one.

We’re giving the blog a new facelift this year too, and I hope that the time freed up from not writing a third book will allow me to re-focus a bit more on the blog itself and flush out some ideas I’ve had for a while. This blog has been the crux of my whole career and it’s taken a slight bit of a backseat the past few years due to lots of other exciting opportunities, but it’s time to come home to it again and give it the TLC it deserves.

And as for me, I just want to relax a little more, give myself a few more breaks and snuggle my Henry tighter.  Take a morning off now and then to take him to a class or a museum and enjoy him being so little and so sweet.  Before long, he’ll not want me to hold his hand or snuggle him to sleep. Time is passing so fast now, all I want for my birthday is to be able to take it all in and enjoy it.

XO,
EG

I’m so ridiculously overwhelmed right now, so the blog is going to have to wait until Wednesday this week. Sorry guys! Just not enough gas in the tank or minutes in the day today!

Instead here are some sneak peeks from my trip to NYC last week…. an almost completed condo project we’ve been working on for the better part of a year and some spring/ summer 2019 pillows from the Elements by Erin Gates line!

Very excited to shoot this one in the fall…. (and yes, we work long distance!)

Any parent with a beating heart cannot look at the images and hear the stories of the scared, small children being torn apart from their parents on our border and not give a shit. Pardon my language, but this, along with our ridiculous stance on guns, that makes me want to flip a dumpster and light it on fire. This is not a time for polite political discourse (or posting about outdoor furniture as was my plan for today), this is a time to speak up and take action.  Our government is making despicable policies in our name, and it must be stopped (and before anyone tries to say these policies aren’t Trump’s, check your facts, there are no laws stating that children MUST be separated from their parents).  We can care about our country and our needs AND OTHER PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME.  We don’t have to pick one or the other exclusively.  We want to remain the most powerful country in the world, but with that power comes responsibility to help others.

The issue is confusing and complicated. Joanna at Cup of Jo did a brilliant article that really breaks down who these people are, why they are trying to come to this country, and what you can do to help. Go read it. Also, The Cut did a great round up of what you can do from attending protests to how to contact your representatives.  Here is a short list of great places to put your dollars, if you have any to spare, that can help these innocent kids stuck in limbo–

PLACES TO DONATE:

ActBlue Charities: Your donation to this charity will be spread across several groups working to protect kids from being separated from their parents.

KIND (Kids In Need of Defense): This group is focused on protecting the legal rights of children seeking asylum- including providing lawyers for immigration court.

RAICES Leaf Fund and Bond Fund: Helping those detained post bond or find legal services.

We Belong Together:  Women for common sense immigration law that will keep families together and empower women trying to find a safer country for their children.

I also got an e-mail in my inbox this morning that St. Frank, a great source for home decor I love that works with artisans from low income countries around the world in an effort to empower them. Now through Saturday they will donate 10-20% of all purchases to KIND (one of the charities listed above)- so you can pick up something unique for your home (or a great gift)  AND support this cause at the same time:

1. Give 10% to KIND, get 10% off with code GIVE10GET10
2. Give the full 20% to KIND with code GIVE20

I look at my sweet boy and I cannot FATHOM the pain of knowing he was somewhere alone, scared, without me.  My body literally wretches when I imagine it. I also can’t imagine living in a country so dangerous or poverty-stricken that the risk of putting him through that pain is a better option than staying put.  Think about that.  And then DO SOMETHING.