2012.

(our new home under the stairs)

Well, 2012 is starting out with a big change- moving into a new apartment today and tomorrow.  I think it’s a good omen, as I need to make some “life adjustments” for this coming year and perhaps this shift in residence marks a fresh start for some positive changes.  I historically fight against change tooth and nail, full of major worry and stress and armed with a fresh prescription for anti-anxiety medication.  But this year I am trying to embrace change, as it has proven to typically only lead to better things.  While scary at the outset, in hindsight those movements almost always seem to turn out for the best (as Andrew always tells me- perhaps I should start listening?).

2011 was a phenomenally tough and yet triumphant year for me personally and professionally.  There were major leaps and bounds matched closely by  knee scraping tumbles and truly dark moments.  But in both the light and dark I learned a lot about myself, whats important and what I want from this short time I have on earth.  I learned that maybe the goals I set out for my business can and have to change, maybe small is the new big, maybe I want to try other things, maybe it’s time for more  bravery and less worry and for God’s sake, time to STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS EVERY DAMN SECOND.  God, I am so bad at that last one. It’s my worst trait, hands down. But the new year isn’t only about negative things and how to change them, it’s also about adding more positives into your life too.  For me it’s going to be more writing, more time outside, more laughing, more down time, more museums, more yoga, more confidence, more deep breaths and more hugs. Sound good? I think so too. :)

Back to my move, I think it’s nice to get to get rid of all the CLUTTER that accumulates in life when you have to pack up your belongings. It helps with making room for those positive things I discussed above.  I have been RUTHLESS in my cleaning and discarding, which has been quite cathartic… and funny, as my though process has been all over the board…

” I want to just burn all my clothes and start over!”

” I haven’t worn this in, well, ever…. but maybe I will want to this year…”

” Oh my GOD, I’ve been looking for this sweater for MONTHS!”

” This jeans are huge. I should save them in case I gain weight!”

” These jeans are so tiny. I should save them in case I get crazy skinny!”

” This tee shirt has to be 10 years old. I am disgusting!”

” WHY DO NONE OF MY SOCKS HAVE MATCHES???”

” I think the dogs are depressed we sold the couch”

” Andrew, do you think the people coming from Craigslist might murder me?”

” Baxter needs his liquid chicken flavored Xanax, he’s freaking out. Bring me some too.”

“I think we should just drink all the wine so we don’t have to move it”

Ahhhhh, the beauty of moving. But hopefully it’s moving, onward, upward and forward.  This year is going to be a big one, I can feel it.

p.s. we’re still tweaking the new blog look, but I hope you like the cleaner, leaner and meaner appearance!!

I Knew I Liked Her….

I seriously have to resist from chucking hard objects at my tv every morning when all the news channels keep repeating ad nauseum “whaaaaat will Kate Middleton wear?” and “lets compare her yet again to Diana” (yes lets, because that’s fair). If I hear one more thing about the freaking royal wedding I am going to have one royal sized hissy fit and only watch re-runs of Jeopardy until Saturday.  I feel as bad for Kate (as bad as you can for a gorgeous soon-to-be real princess).  I can’t imagine the pressure of not only being watched this closely and the expectations for your dress to make children weep with it’s beauty- but more so the comparisons to Diana. Holy hell, I mean, leave the girl alone and let her be HERSELF!  And speaking of that, according to Us Weekly and Perez Hilton (you know, the news) Kate has chosen to have custom made Union Jack scarves in various ANIMAL PRINTS as her favors. If this is true, she is the baddest princess ever and has my blessing! Rock on Kate.

But let’s all remember this….

And it’s in ENGLAND! This is the UNITED STATES where tornadoes are ripping roofs off airports and mothers have gone missing and teenagers are killing themselves over bullies. Let’s report on THAT not interview another British milliner about hats for f*cks sake!!!

Phew. I had to get that out.

I do however love me some union jack- especially on pillows. Like these. YUMMY.

On Love.

As a self-described quote whore I was trolling the interwebs for quotes on love to post for Valentine’s Day.  There are just so many ways to talk about love that selecting one quote became the most difficult of tasks. Finding one sentence to describe the experience of love is impossible because there are so many versions of it and every person in their interaction with another in this manner will feel something different.  Sure there are universal truths, but just for myself alone I could post seventeen different quotes- all probably contradictory to each other because of my own personal experiences in this department.

In my short 31 years I’ve experienced all kinds of love- real and imagined, true and false, reciprocated and unrequited, deep and shallow, healing and hurtful. Love is the most powerful emotion there is (in my opinion) and the nuances of it and the way it changes over time and with each new fall is what keeps it the most  important thing we experience in this life. If you think about it, it’s the driving force behind all we do and the one thing that can rock your world or shatter it in one instant. Being a chronic relationship person (i.e. I did not date around a whole lot before walking down the aisle) even I have had such a wide variety of experiences in love- I have had my heart broken and broken a heart or two myself. I’ve been cheated on and been the cheater. I’ve been the first to say I love you and had someone say it to me when all I felt was the desire to high five them at most. I’ve wanted to tell someone how I felt and never did. I have fallen in love with two little furry fellas with four legs and known the feeling that I would do anything to protect them. I’ve been asked by someone to spend the rest of my life with them and said yes.

But there are things I have not experienced too- the mind-blowing love of your own child, the pain of divorce, the thrill of a secret admirer (minus the creepy dude who sent me a picture of himself in ladies underwear after a particular piece of press- that, my friends, does not count). And even if you’ve found love, it changes because people change. And either that love changes with you or it changes in a way that means it’s time to move on.  See, as much as I love romance and all it’s warm fuzzy gestures, I’m not a die hard romantic. I’m much more of the “I don’t believe in soul mates” school of thought.  I believe there are a lot of people out there that I could be happy with, and so does my husband (so you can stop worrying that I’m going to get an irate call in a minute). I think it’s dangerous to think that there is only one person for you, just as I think it’s dangerous to expect to get everything from one person.  My life is made delightfully lovely by my husband, but it’s rounded out by the friends and family that provide things that aren’t in his nature. I can’t expect him to love all the things I do.  I can’t have a guy’s guy AND one who loves Twilight, yoga, celebrity gossip, museums and shopping for hours.   He doesn’t expect me  to scream at the tv during Patriot’s games just as I don’t expect him to do the same during red carpet shows (although sometimes he does join me in berating people’s fashion choices). And as I enter the phase of life where I have friends having babies and getting divorced in near equal measure- trying to predict my fate in love beyond getting up everyday and working at it and believing in it seems silly.

But as it’s said over and over in many ways you can’t love anyone else fully until you love yourself. Despite all my relationship highs and lows, the relationship with myself has been the most tumultuous and continues to be the one I need to work on the most.  I find it easier to tell someone else I love them than tell myself the same, and that needs to change. So this Valentine’s Day I am going to show myself some love- probably in the form of chocolate and chick flicks, but hopefully also in the form of confidence,  bravery and forgiveness.  That would be the sweetest gift of all.

The Blame Game

Forgiveness

I was laying in shavasana at the end of a nice yoga class this morning, preparing to settle in for my typically fidgety, ADD attempt at relaxing, when this beautiful, soul stirring song came on.  Normally during this time we should be half-conscious and repeating mantras of peace and serenity- but my mantras typically are things such as “I really want a sandwich” or “I hope that fabric isn’t back-ordered” or “I wonder what Rob Pattinson is doing right now“.  But today something really strange happened. As I exhaled slowly and let the music whip up some deeper thoughts in me I heard my self say (in my head, not out loud, that would be embarrassing) “It’s not your fault”. Wow, what was that brain? What did you say?  Then again I exhaled “it’s not your fault”.  It just came to me and it felt so, so nice to repeat that to myself as I lay there still as stone. A little forgiveness, just for me.

Blame is a funny thing. As someone who has always struggled with self esteem issues I tend to blame myself for everything that goes wrong (and not take credit for that which goes right).  No matter what the situation is at hand- a frustrated client, a friend giving me the cold shoulder, even illness in myself- my default setting is think up all the reasons why it’s my fault those things are happening or how I must be the reason someone is acting or feeling a certain way. It’s a really tough thing, and I think it’s a very common thing, especially for women, to constantly blame themselves.  And it’s a hard habit to break too.  You can tell yourself that most likely it’s not your fault that your client is being crabby with you or that guy didn’t call you back, but deep in your gut sits an uncomfortable anxiousness that just maybe it IS you. I don’t think it’s self-centered to feel this way, but rather self-less–because in a small way you are always putting yourself last and not believing that you are a good person deep down.

And sometimes things are your fault and instead of getting angry with yourself, why not try to accept those mistakes as lessons, learn from them as much as possible, and move on. I tend to  really harp on mistakes, blaming myself for being stupid, scatter-brained or lazy and wishing with every ounce of my being that I could go back and make a different decision. And then I focus on that wish endlessly. This is a HUGE FREAKING WASTE OF TIME.  But we all do it and it’s just another way of blaming ourselves for being human. I have learned that every mistake, bad decision, and shitty time in my life has lead me to a better place.  Someday this will sink into my brain and I’ll skip through fields (holding hands with Rob) and finally be free of the burden of self-blame.

I feel a little like today was a step towards a breakthrough- I feel slightly lighter in my heart right now and as I keep going through my day I’m going to just keep saying that to myself. It’s NOT my fault. Life is tough. Everyone has a lot of factors in their lives that make it difficult.  I certainly do, so I need to believe that everyone else does and that is what might be affecting their behavior. Just as everyone in this life will make mistakes, big and small, and live through them.  As long as I do my best, work hard, be a good friend (to others and myself) then I should be able to relax into the notion that this too shall pass and that everything is NOT my fault.

Just a little Jack Handy-esque “Deep Thought” for you on this Thursday! :) And just for giggles, maybe get yourself or someone else in your life who is going through a tough time, this fabulous little message flower from EmersonMade.

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