The Post I’ve Waited Years to Write

No use in beating around the bush on this one or trying to be too clever, I’ve been bursting at the seams to share this news with all of you for many, many, MANY weeks….

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I’M PREGNANT!

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A Local Gem.

Before I get into pretty places and lovely dinners, I want to just say how devastating and heartbreaking the news coming out of Nepal is. I hope everyone considers donating a little bit to a valued and established charity to help people there get back on their feet- there is a list here from Time Magazine of six great options if you are looking for one.

This past weekend we drove down to Connecticut to have dinner with my parents at Sharpe Hill Vineyard in Pomfret, CT.  You don’t think of Connecticut as having vineyards, seeing as we’re under snow for what seems like six months of the year, but they do! And Sharpe Hill also has a pretty amazing restaurant too!  It’s all very colonial and cozy, with only about 10-12 tables, and housed in a barn building with whitewashing vaulted, beamed ceilings and a double sided fireplace in the center.

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A Black and Blue Room

No, not a room you’ve given a pummeling to, but rather a room which combines these two colors that so often are thought to be impossible to combine. While in Jamaica I got to thinking as I looked out at the ocean, how HAPPY the water makes me, and yet I have NO BLUE in my house! I love blue! Why is this? So I decided I want to add some more into the house somewhere, and the most obvious place for me is the living room. I purposely did all the main pieces in neutrals for this reason- being a designer I constantly want to change things in my space. It’s a laboratory for me, of sorts!  However, since I have my black stripe chair (which I adore and wont change), the black and white greek key on my drapes and my black buffet/bar I starting thinking I couldn’t use blue in here instead of the green.  So I did some Pinterest research and hot damn, yes I can!

Here are some great examples of combining blue and black together in various ratios and shades.

I adore this blue shade on the chair.
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Falling Apart & Finding Hope

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I haven’t mentioned my fertility journey on here in many months but need to share (perhaps over-share) my current state, mostly for myself, but perhaps for a few of you out there as well. This won’t be easy, or pretty, but writing is the one thing I can do to make myself feel a little better, help process what I’m going through fully and move on.

Over the past month we did our first round of IVF.  And we found out this weekend that that little, perfectly awesome embryo just didn’t stick.  To say I am gutted and devastated is an understatement.  While I was cautious and even pessimistic (who? me???) about it working on our first try, a small part of me thought it would.  I  admit to being up nights thinking about how I’d tell Andrew,  about the joy of being pregnant at Christmas and being able to give my parents the one thing I’ve been dying to give them- news of their first grandchild.

But here I am, hollow,  wondering just how to pick myself back up again to try another time.  Just thinking about starting all over again- month of daily multiple injections, dark 6:45 a.m. daily monitoring and another surgery makes my breath catch in my chest.  But even worse is another two week wait, which I learned is the worst part of this entire process.  The not knowing, the maybes, the bottles of O’Douls.  The hope and the looming potential devastation.  The lack of control.  And then the ultimately terrifying thought of….what if this never happens for us?

Since I know people will ask, Andrew and I both have been tested up, down and sideways and nothing has come up wrong other than one “super sub-clinical” potential thyroid level that seems to have resolved itself.  I have “a very high egg reserve” and Andrew’s boys are in the Michael Phelps category.  I did acupuncture once a week. So of course my brain goes to… “you waited to damn long Erin”.  I know many women who have had their first babies at 35 or older, but I still can’t help but think that I may have traded a baby for a New York Times Bestseller title.  And while I could not be prouder of what I’ve accomplished, I can’t help but feeling like a massive failure where it concerns being female.  My identity feels wrapped up in this one shortcoming.  The feeling of regret in waiting for the “perfect time” is growing and swelling like a wave, cresting with every passing glance at baby-filled Facebook.

The life of someone going through infertility can be painfully lonely.  Even while you sit in crowded waiting rooms, eying the chairs filled with other women traipsing through this messy, awful journey- it still is incredibly alienating.  Especially when you are 35.  Most of my friends already have children or are currently swollen with an impending life.  Except for a couple of people, most of my friends seem to be fertility goddesses as well, pregnancy coming easy, if not miraculously.  And despite their love and support which I appreciate more than I can say, I still feel alone in this fear and worry.  It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So I am coming to you, dear readers, since I know some of you have been through this, to ask how you bounced back, how you succeeded, how you found a way to cross over to the other side and find joy.  I know this is a fresh loss and time will help (as well as a second opinion, seeing as how less than thrilled I was with my entire experience at my current clinic)- but just how did you find the strength to believe this would all work out in the end? Because right now I’m having a hard time getting my brain to even accept that kind of thinking.  There’s a whole lot of gloom and doom storming around in there and I need to find a little ray of sunshine.

I need to keep the faith that one day this WILL happen and I will make you all mad by turning this into a mommy blog.*

* I actually would never do that. That was more for dramatic effect. :)

 

 

My Week in Instagrams

If you aren’t on Instagram yet…. GET WITH IT! It’s my favorite social media app by MILES and it’s such a fun way to chronicle your life in filtered, beautiful images.  Here are some things that went down in my world this week:

I had dinner at fellow designer Mally Skok’s INSANE home.  I mean, it’s 100% my dream house….

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Her dining room has upholstered walls. This style is what I would call Traditional Badass.

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Need a close-up? Thought so.  Her fabrics are awesome, but this one happens to be Quadrille Contessa.

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I got myself a faux bust for the bar.  Goddess of the Drink. All hail.

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My new line with Jill Rosenwald fresh outta the kiln with the cutest little lower case monogram!

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Part of the line…. I happen to be super into the cream and sugar set.  They’ll be up for purchase in a couple weeks and you’ll be the first to know!!!!

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Frozen yogurt break, nerds.

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I took the ferry to the Hamptons. It was peaceful and reminded me that I am SO much happier and calmer by the ocean.  Good thing my parents are building a gorgeous home by the shore right now! #movingbackhome #nomoreemptynest!

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So happy how these Ballard barstools came back from our upholsterer for out Hampton’s job!  We did some custom pieced upholstery to get this look and it’s pretty awesome.

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I got to visit the new Serena & Lily store in Wainscott. It’s as adorable as you might imagine, but this wall o’ art was my fave.

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So many people commented on how cute this top was.  It’s cheap and you can get it here.

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I babysat for my Mom’s new 11 week old Golden puppy Barney last weekend. He bit a hole in the above cute shirt, but because that face is so smushy and amazing I don’t care.

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The view from their porch.  This is not England, but it could be.

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While there I went to the nearby antique shops and saw this lucite goodness. I paced, I pondered… and I left empty handed.

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But then I went back and bought the (now known to be) Thorpe candlesticks, which I had the intention of selling.  But then I put them on my mantle and….. scene.  Welcome to your new home, crazy pretzel, lucite candlesticks. Would it be so bad if I try to get the metal part brass plated??

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Then my vintage Brown Jordan patio set that was my paternal grandmothers came back from the shop all freshly enameled in black and ready for my patio (which starts soon).  Planning on topping those seats with black and white wide strip cushions and adding a white umbrella! Perfect, and meaningful.

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Yesterday we were setting up for a book photoshoot all day today!  I am SO,SO obsessed with this tablestop setting I created- especially that Juliska Country Estate china.  I think I need it (in blue).  Those ombre napkins were under $4 at Crate and Barrel too!

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PHEW. I’m exhausted. But more to do…. Stay tuned!!!