Falling Apart & Finding Hope

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I haven’t mentioned my fertility journey on here in many months but need to share (perhaps over-share) my current state, mostly for myself, but perhaps for a few of you out there as well. This won’t be easy, or pretty, but writing is the one thing I can do to make myself feel a little better, help process what I’m going through fully and move on.

Over the past month we did our first round of IVF.  And we found out this weekend that that little, perfectly awesome embryo just didn’t stick.  To say I am gutted and devastated is an understatement.  While I was cautious and even pessimistic (who? me???) about it working on our first try, a small part of me thought it would.  I  admit to being up nights thinking about how I’d tell Andrew,  about the joy of being pregnant at Christmas and being able to give my parents the one thing I’ve been dying to give them- news of their first grandchild.

But here I am, hollow,  wondering just how to pick myself back up again to try another time.  Just thinking about starting all over again- month of daily multiple injections, dark 6:45 a.m. daily monitoring and another surgery makes my breath catch in my chest.  But even worse is another two week wait, which I learned is the worst part of this entire process.  The not knowing, the maybes, the bottles of O’Douls.  The hope and the looming potential devastation.  The lack of control.  And then the ultimately terrifying thought of….what if this never happens for us?

Since I know people will ask, Andrew and I both have been tested up, down and sideways and nothing has come up wrong other than one “super sub-clinical” potential thyroid level that seems to have resolved itself.  I have “a very high egg reserve” and Andrew’s boys are in the Michael Phelps category.  I did acupuncture once a week. So of course my brain goes to… “you waited to damn long Erin”.  I know many women who have had their first babies at 35 or older, but I still can’t help but think that I may have traded a baby for a New York Times Bestseller title.  And while I could not be prouder of what I’ve accomplished, I can’t help but feeling like a massive failure where it concerns being female.  My identity feels wrapped up in this one shortcoming.  The feeling of regret in waiting for the “perfect time” is growing and swelling like a wave, cresting with every passing glance at baby-filled Facebook.

The life of someone going through infertility can be painfully lonely.  Even while you sit in crowded waiting rooms, eying the chairs filled with other women traipsing through this messy, awful journey- it still is incredibly alienating.  Especially when you are 35.  Most of my friends already have children or are currently swollen with an impending life.  Except for a couple of people, most of my friends seem to be fertility goddesses as well, pregnancy coming easy, if not miraculously.  And despite their love and support which I appreciate more than I can say, I still feel alone in this fear and worry.  It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So I am coming to you, dear readers, since I know some of you have been through this, to ask how you bounced back, how you succeeded, how you found a way to cross over to the other side and find joy.  I know this is a fresh loss and time will help (as well as a second opinion, seeing as how less than thrilled I was with my entire experience at my current clinic)- but just how did you find the strength to believe this would all work out in the end? Because right now I’m having a hard time getting my brain to even accept that kind of thinking.  There’s a whole lot of gloom and doom storming around in there and I need to find a little ray of sunshine.

I need to keep the faith that one day this WILL happen and I will make you all mad by turning this into a mommy blog.*

* I actually would never do that. That was more for dramatic effect. :)

 

 

My Week in Instagrams

If you aren’t on Instagram yet…. GET WITH IT! It’s my favorite social media app by MILES and it’s such a fun way to chronicle your life in filtered, beautiful images.  Here are some things that went down in my world this week:

I had dinner at fellow designer Mally Skok’s INSANE home.  I mean, it’s 100% my dream house….

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Her dining room has upholstered walls. This style is what I would call Traditional Badass.

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Need a close-up? Thought so.  Her fabrics are awesome, but this one happens to be Quadrille Contessa.

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I got myself a faux bust for the bar.  Goddess of the Drink. All hail.

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My new line with Jill Rosenwald fresh outta the kiln with the cutest little lower case monogram!

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Part of the line…. I happen to be super into the cream and sugar set.  They’ll be up for purchase in a couple weeks and you’ll be the first to know!!!!

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Frozen yogurt break, nerds.

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I took the ferry to the Hamptons. It was peaceful and reminded me that I am SO much happier and calmer by the ocean.  Good thing my parents are building a gorgeous home by the shore right now! #movingbackhome #nomoreemptynest!

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So happy how these Ballard barstools came back from our upholsterer for out Hampton’s job!  We did some custom pieced upholstery to get this look and it’s pretty awesome.

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I got to visit the new Serena & Lily store in Wainscott. It’s as adorable as you might imagine, but this wall o’ art was my fave.

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So many people commented on how cute this top was.  It’s cheap and you can get it here.

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I babysat for my Mom’s new 11 week old Golden puppy Barney last weekend. He bit a hole in the above cute shirt, but because that face is so smushy and amazing I don’t care.

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The view from their porch.  This is not England, but it could be.

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While there I went to the nearby antique shops and saw this lucite goodness. I paced, I pondered… and I left empty handed.

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But then I went back and bought the (now known to be) Thorpe candlesticks, which I had the intention of selling.  But then I put them on my mantle and….. scene.  Welcome to your new home, crazy pretzel, lucite candlesticks. Would it be so bad if I try to get the metal part brass plated??

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Then my vintage Brown Jordan patio set that was my paternal grandmothers came back from the shop all freshly enameled in black and ready for my patio (which starts soon).  Planning on topping those seats with black and white wide strip cushions and adding a white umbrella! Perfect, and meaningful.

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Yesterday we were setting up for a book photoshoot all day today!  I am SO,SO obsessed with this tablestop setting I created- especially that Juliska Country Estate china.  I think I need it (in blue).  Those ombre napkins were under $4 at Crate and Barrel too!

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PHEW. I’m exhausted. But more to do…. Stay tuned!!!

This and That.

I’m currently staying with my parents as all our floors get refinished before our big kitchen install starts in a couple days! It’s moving pretty darn fast! While here we went to check on the progress of the beach house my parent’s are building (designed by my Dad and his firm).  It’s pretty exciting stuff.

A rendering nailed up in the frame.

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It’s amazing how fast framing happens!

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Looking into the vaulted living room- will have a great stone fireplace between those windows!

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Views to the water and shipyard down the hill.

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We went to one of the local lobster places for lunch (yes, there’s multiple lobster places).  While I don’t like lobster (I know, try to contain your horror- I don’t eat sushi either) it’s a cute place to have some chowder as well!

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Ford’s is kinda famous for their buoys.

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And they go back a ways…. don;t you love the wall color? It reminds me a lot of Farrow & Ball’s Arsenic.

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Love this little painting from a local gallery- too bad it’s sold, would have been a great housewarming gift!

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The town they are building in is a little boating village on the CT shore…. it’s very quaint and cute (P.S. that lighthouse is now a private residence. Oh yeah.)

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I mean, look at the little local store/diner.  How Americana is that?

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While back at my house it looks like THIS.  The Wellbuilt crew is working round the clock to get us back in there!!!

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But our floors are coming out lovely.  I was pretty stressed out about the stain colors.  We tried a few and I wasn’t loving any of them. I wanted them to be dark but not TOO dark, brown but not red. But not grey either.  I actually didn’t sleep one night because I was fretting so about this decision (I know, you don’t want my problems…)  So I researched a bit online and found out that many people, including the DIY expert Jenny from LGN suggested a mix of 50% Minwax Jacobean and 50% Ebony.  I had tested both those on their own and didn’t like them but together- I think we have a winner!

INSPIRATION:

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REALITY!!!!! (Now we just need three coats of poly and we’re golden!)

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How was your long weekend?

My Ad for IKEA and OWN!

I am working feverishly on my Golden Globes fashion post!  In the meantime, a reader tweeted that she saw my ad for IKEA on TV the other night and now that I’ve found it online I wanted to share it.  This is what I filmed in LA a few months ago and was one of the coolest experiences of my life (and scary, as you can probably tell from the nervous tremble in my voice!)  Working on The Life Improvement Project has been so fantastic- and check out my new full page ad in this month’s O Magazine too!

Simple Goals for 2013

1. Keep decorating my house patiently and purposefully with only things I really love.

2. Now that I will have a new kitchen, cook more. And not just Old El Paso taco kit kind of cooking– fresh, good for us food! (Oh, and be more like Gwyneth, obvs).

3. Try a new haircut.

4. Go outside more and take walks. Hikes. Kayaking. Whatever as long as there is blue sky above.

5. Write. A lot. (As you now know I have quite the massive writing goal this year!)

6. Take breaks. Real breaks that don’t involve the computer or TV.  Be still for minute.

7. Entertain more at home and don’t be stressed if everything isn’t PERFECT. Andrew turns 40 this year so I will be planning at least one big bash!

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8. Invest in classics but take some risks. No more crap just because it’s on sale and I want something new.

9. Keep reading a lot. Doesn’t matter if it’s a literary classic or a thriller.

10. Get back to the mat.

11. Curate love, everyday. Be thankful. Take it all in.