(photo by Jessica Delaney for Momeni- sneak peek of one of my new rugs coming out in February!)
Hi Everyone, and welcome to 2019!
I feel like we haven’t talked in ages, I did take a much needed week-long break during the holidays, which I don’t think I’ve ever done in my 12 years blogging. And look, the sky didn’t fall and my business didn’t go up in flames! Doing that was a great exercise for me in balance and learning to stop and be present and take better care of myself. It’s one of my goals for 2019- to understand, deep down in my core, that sometimes doing NOTHING is what really needs to be done. I am one fo those people who finds it stressful to not be busy and sit still. It makes me feel like I’m failing in some way. But after last week, in which I had little desire to do much, I realized that it’s a healthy thing to do for yourself. It won’t be easy to get used to doing, and it may only happen intermittently, but I want to find more balance between work and restfulness this year.
I’m going to be honest here, 2018 was a beast. It’s hard to say it was “bad” because plenty of nice, lovely things happened- and the existence of Henry and all the amazing developments and changes he’s made in a year were magic to watch (although y’all ain’t lying about the whole “threenager” thing- WOW). He truly keeps life from ever feeling too low. Also, when you’re a busy mom, you can’t really get too down- you’ve got shit to do! :) Moping is sort of not an option. But last week, I kind of crashed. I didn’t want to be on social media much, and had little energy to do most of the things I enjoy. And I let myself be that way, because it was a very sad holiday for us. I lost another pregnancy at 8 weeks, a couple days after Christmas. This pregnancy was a complete surprise, which was very exciting given our fertility struggles, with a due date two days after my 40th birthday. I felt apprehensive about it, for the obvious reasons but also because of some complications they found early on, but also thought the whole thing seemed rather poetic given the nature of the pregnancy and the due date timing. What a great ending to our story this would be! When we saw a heartbeat, I was shocked and excited. And then when we didn’t see one at the next scan, I was gutted. This makes three losses in 2018, too many to bear. I’m tired, I feel cursed, I’m devastated and I’m completely pre-occupied with thoughts about this second child I cannot seem to hang onto.
And I’m still deep in it. So I have yet to get my “fresh New Years start”, but once I do, there is much work to be done regarding this whole chapter of my life. We’ve spoken to our doctor who think we should do one more retrieval and see what it holds (and then genetically test all the embryos before transferring which we never did before). I also am going to see a recurrent miscarriage specialist in NYC who is supposed to be the best (thanks to my friends at Fertility IQ for the introduction). This is our last shot. What we do from there (egg donation/ adoption) are things we are slowly talking about and processing, but not ready to make a commitment to. It’s all foggy and I’m just trying to get from day to day.
Thankfully I have a job I love, a son who makes my world go round, a husband who is incredibly supportive and understanding and healthcare that covers most of these issues (way to go MASSACHUSETTS!) I know many are not so lucky, and I cannot imagine the pain and suffering of this process and these experiences without all that. I am still grateful for all I have, but can’t help but feel quite unlucky at the moment.
The best thing I can do is treat myself with kindness, focus on my own health and happiness and hope that a resolution is found, whatever that resolution may be. In the meantime, I have lots of happy distractions as well– the new book coming out April 2nd (and book tour), a new rug collection launching in February and some other exciting projects (and an impulsively booked vacation for Andrew and I in March). I also am looking forward to revealing some new projects with you on the blog, since I no longer have to save work for a next book!
To get myself feeling better, I went through the house and cleaned it of ALL holiday stuff– even candles and hand soap- after Christmas I want NONE OF THAT, not a whiff of pine, please and thank you! I also went through my closet and brutally edited down. And now I just want to exist in a sea of soothing, clean neutrals. :) So I pulled together some faves right now to help you out if you feel the same way as I do. No matter what your year was like, a fresh start feels good.
Thanks for being here for me, and listening and sharing your own stories too. This community is one of my proudest accomplishments. I hope 2019 is a hopeful and happy one for us all.
1. (one of my favorite case pieces currently)// 2. // 3. // 4. // 5. // 6. // 7. // 8. // 9. // 10. (extra-wide mats are a modern look)// 11. // 12. (very Markle!)// 13. // 14. // 15. (“strangest color blue” is a great,unique scent)// 16. // 17. (got for xmas, SO great!)// 18. // 19. // 20. // 21. (love these towels)// 22. // 23. // 24. // 25.