Top Motherhood Worries.
As we approach the two week countdown until Baby Gates’ due date, I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about and pondering how life will change, how I’ll be as a mom and if I have everything I will need in those crazy first few weeks (omg, the STUFF…) So here’s a less than eloquent dump of what has been spinning through my brain when I can’t get to sleep or am sitting at a red light in my car- it’s hard to focus on much else right now!
– When am I going to go into labor? Will he be early or late? Will I know when it’s time to go? Does Andrew know how to use the stopwatch function on his iPhone to time contractions?
– Just how much is this gonna hurt? Even with an epidural, I cannot picture myself actually giving birth. I mean, I still don’t believe I’m actually having a baby even though right now he’s exploring my rib cage with his heel.
– Recovery sounds quite icky- as my hilarious friend Caroline told me after giving birth, things “down there” look a whole lot like “a Tim Burton designed bouncy house of horrors” (best/grossest description ever).
– What is he going to look like??? It’s the craziest thing to try to imagine! Will he have my eyes and his nose? My nose and his eyes? OMG, what if the lab mixed up the test tubes and we have some random person’s baby (freaky IVF specific horror-show worries)???
– Will he be healthy? I have had what seems like 179 ultrasounds, exams, genetic screens and bloodtests this pregnancy, and everything looks great (his kidney issue went away!) but still, nothing is 100% certain. This is my #1 worry, of course.
– Piggy backed onto that is the “what if I kill him” worry. This is said as a joke, but also not at all. I’m talking the whole SIDS/ dropping him/ falling down the stairs carrying him kind of things, not like murderous rage. (Side note: I’ve got a solid post-partum “watch plan” in place already given my history with anxiety/depression)
– I do not know anything about caring for an infant. Nothing. I’ve never even changed a diaper! I am told that one’s maternal instinct kicks in and you just KNOW– but I’ve never been one who has an abundance of maternal spirit. In fact, I find a lot of kids annoying- hey, it’s the truth. But I assume/hope that changes the second you meet your own.
– I worry about failing at a lot of things, but for some reason I am most worried that breastfeeding will be a challenge. Not that I live/die by my ability to do so, I really have no resolute opinion on what’s best, other than whatever is best for the Mom, since a happier, healthier Mom equals a better cared for baby. I hope I figure it out and my body complies, but if not I need to remember that I am a formula baby and wrote a New York Times bestseller, so going that route if need be does not deem my kid “lesser than”. :)
– What if he comes out and we feel like the name we picked doesn’t fit?! Does that happen? I have too many monogrammed things to turn back now!
– What if I’m missing some crucial baby gadget? Every mom has a different favorite carrier/ bouncy seat/ car seat/ stroller / swaddles / monitor, etc. Reading the reviews on Amazon of baby gear is enough to give anyone decision paralysis (or second guessing of purchases). Why do I feel like I have to have EVERYTHING right now? It’s not like Amazon Prime doesn’t exist (or a husband with a car and a Target).
– Sleep training. Oh my God, I started reading all the Baby Whisperer, Happiest Baby on the Block and Babywise books but they gave me anxiety and acid reflux trying to figure out what works best and what we should do. So I’m taking a “let’s see what happens and what kind of baby we get” approach.
– Speaking of anxiety, oddly mine has been quelled by pregnancy. Andrew thinks I am so much nicer and calmer when pregnant, which is the opposite of what he (and frankly I) expected. I mean, I still worry (obviously, hello- this list) , but I think that’s pretty normal. But what will happen when he’s here? Will my anxiety go through the roof? Will I be on WebMD every five minutes or haunting my pediatrician’s hallways?
– How am I going to balance the blog/ client work/ next book/ home line with being a mom? My days are SO busy already, it’s hard to imagine. Luckily we have already hired a full time nanny to begin after I take some time off, but I hope to be as involved as I can be. Luckily, as my own boss I can make my own hours, but I also have lots of commitments (and a real love for my career!) I know so many women do it the world over, but I’m anxious to figure out just how to make the balance work.
– Will the dogs hate me forever? Will they be sweet and protective? Or will Baxter try to rip his face off and Oliver go into a deep depression?
– That whole “your heart walking around outside your body” thing I can see being exquisitely wonderful and terrifying. I don’t want to be an overprotective mom, but I can imagine that it’s hard not to be!
I probably have 500 more I could add to this list, but I’ll spare you. Did you have any of these worries before giving birth? What was your biggest? Which one proved to be silly that I can maybe take off my list? :)
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Your life will never be the same. Period.
~and that’s OK. They are worth it.
You will be perfect. Your way is the right way and you’ll figure out what works just right for you and your family! Down there will be all good too. I gave birth without an epidural somehow and made it through and would do it again. I just kept telling myself that the body knows what it’s doing and I just needed to let it so its thing. But it really is so weird!!!!
This video has a great “love graph” that talks about how it is OK if you don’t get hit with the big love wave immediately (here about a dad but can be true for moms, too). Also great perspective on how average happiness may drop but spikes appear.
http://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos
Best wishes!
You will be a great mother! Your commitment to everything you do will translate into motherhood as well, and you will figure it out as you go. It’s a scary thing before it happens but once it does, it’s so true that you can’t imagine your life without that tiny baby. Sometimes it’s good to throw out all the books and just do what feels right to you. You will know your baby better than anyone and will know what to do, I promise you just will.
Your own mother and mom friends will be your best go to for questions. The internet will scare you to death, but at times can provide useful information.
For breastfeeding Kellymom.com is the best website ever. At the hospital see a lactation consultant (hopefully they have them at your hospital) and have them help you from the beginning. It’s such a wonderful thing, but don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t click right away. It’s a learning process for you and the baby! People always talk about how glorious it is, but it takes time to get there. Reach out for help if you have problems, there are lots of resources these days. But as you said, a happy mommy is the best thing for a happy baby so do what’s best for you both!
Little boys are the sweetest! He will look just like you imagine he does when you close your eyes. Just remember to point his little peepee down to begin with, and know that in the beginning you will go through a million outfits a day (even with it pointed down both of mine seemed to pee through EVERYTHING)! And try to remember on a sleepless night or a fussy day, it’s just a phase, it will pass and you will come out on the other side a better mom!
Y’all will be great parents! I can’t wait to hear the news of your little guys arrival!!
no idea if you’re going to get through all 148 comments but fwiw:
1. give yourself a HUGE break on the career front. (you rock, obvs, and it’s ok not to have the same drive postpartum. it will come back if it does ebb a tad.)
2. you are in the most enviable position- a woman who works for herself. that means you get to choose to parent exactly how you would like to. it’s such a privilege and your son and hubs will benefit from it so much. it’s truly divine to be able to spend time during the day with your bundle. if i had had to send mine to a day care or nanny at 3 months w/o a choice i would have been a mess!
2. don’t read too much! you’ll choose the solutions that work for you and your family, your temperament (hahaha and its changeability) and your baby’s, and your schedule.
3. throw out all your ideas of what you “should” do with your baby. i was a staunch “babies belong in their own rooms, need to wean at 6 months and sleep through the night at 12 weeks.” hahahahahahahahahahahaha. your baby will eat when he’s hungry and sleep when he’s tired.
4. re: birth: you’re going to come out of the hospital with a baby. some way/some how. there will be a point when you won’t think you can handle the pain/exhaustion. just after that point he will emerge.
5. make sure you have some serious pads and granny panties on hand post-delivery.
6. make sure you get your nails done every few days pre-delivery. i am SO glad that my manicure looked amazing for the first two weeks while everything else looked like shit.
7. don’t be afraid to tell people when they can come visit (or not) and when they have to leave. 30 min visits for new moms are PLENTY.
8. you will cry at odd times post partum. possibly sob. it’s normal and doesn’t mean you have PPD.
9. staff up. i just told a woman who runs a startup the same thing today. housekeeping, laundry, meal prep, etc. Make sure it’s all accounted for pre-delivery. that’s the last thing a new mom needs to worry about.
you’re amazing. you guys will have so much fun with this part of life.
Hi Erin!
I’m not sure if you’ll see this, and I wish I had told you sooner, but there was a GREAT CD I used to prepare our sweet beagle mix rescue dog (who was our first child) when our first human (a boy) was born 8 years ago. It’s called Preparing Fido. It was the best! My husband still jokes that it helped prepare him too lol. It has sounds of real babies on it; babies laughing, gurgling, crying, fussing, and all out screaming.
I saw first hand how it prepared our dog. I highly recommend it!
RELAX! And ENJOY!
All will be well.
Hi Erin
I’ve had 3 boys (now 8, 9 & 10) and each birth was different, but I chose to go in ignorant so as to lessen my anxiety. It did. But I will warn you, before you have an epidural, you will be in extreme pain – and then be told to hold still while you get the shot. When it kicks in, you will be in heaven! It was so worth it for me.
The item I wish I had before my first son was born was a “sleeping bag” for his car seat, so you can zip him up when dashing from the car to the supermarket in freezing temperatures.
I had many of the issues you have, and my baby suffocating in the crib in the night was my big anxiety. But I realized, I had to sleep so I wasn’t psycho and I had to trust that everything would be OK and we would all wake up in the morning. I’d say, the “sleeping bag” for the crib was my other best buy as it eliminates blankets over the baby’s head and they stay snug.
My other best thing, which more than likely you have, is a dimmer on the overhead light. Also, when you check on boo boo in the middle of the night to make sure they’re still breathing (this is normal, everyone does), rub your thumb over the bottom of their feet. Their toes will curl and you will not have woken him up.
My pup’s paternal instincts kicked into overdrive when the babies came home. If they made a sound in the night I would be woken by the dog. If they had the slightest smudge of poop, he would nudge on their bums, and when they were older, he would come and look at me and I knew he felt they were up to no good and he wanted me to investigate!
It will feel overwhelming on some days, but those will be pj days. It’s OK.
Hi Erin, I’m also due with my first baby in a few weeks, and I’ve loved following along during your pregnancy! I relate to many of your worries. I’ve been especially concerned about breastfeeding. I looked around for good, realistic breastfeeding resources and learned about Lindsey Shipley at lactationlink.com. She offers on-demand online lactation courses, and you may find them useful. Good luck with everything!
But what if -just maybe- you get the hang of it all..? I worried a lot less when I spent some time every overdue-by-two-weeks (oi!) day imagining myself managing well all the issues you mentioned above. Because the thing is, since parenting is a 24/7 endeavor, we might as well have a coping strategy that doesn’t threaten to unravel the new, sleep deprived & hormonal Mom, right? “What if I rise to the occasion and manage my new responsibilities with as much grace as I can muster in the moment..?” is so much more supportive than the alternative “What if I’m not/I can’t/I don’t -insert any worry here…”… A baby/child does not need a ‘perfect’ Mom, just one who is ‘good enough’ (a nugget from my therapist). In fact, perfectionism is the enemy of every parent! Always assuming there’s some way, other than the way you’re doing things, will also unravel a person right quick. Trust. Practice trusting your instincts. Make a list of all the ways you DO know how to care for/take care of people -your dogs! Because face it, never changing a diaper would disqualify an alarming number of people from becoming parents : ). You are going to be just fine…
The double swaddle SAVED us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOnsKlluHIg&app=desktop Then halo sleep sack on top, turns them into a little burrito and they love it!
Also, everyone always told me newborns sleep all the time so I never knew to actually put the wee one down for a nap. Figured that one out the last week of maternity leave, duh.
Hi Erin, I am a total type A worrywart and I had lots of similar questions! My daughter is 4 now and I am currently 22 weeks with a boy.
–With an epidural, I didn’t experience pain. I have a low pain threshold and I can honestly say the epidural took away the pain. But pushing felt very strange to me because I couldn’t actually feel anything.
–Recovery is indeed icky. Things are just tender and kind of gross “down there.” The hospital sent me home with a squirt bottle for cleaning, some kind of spray (anesthetic maybe?), and some kind of pads to wipe with. Yeah, I’m not looking forward to that part.
–I never changed a diaper until after I gave birth. I asked a nurse at the hospital to show me. I would knock that particular worry off the list – you’ll do so many you’ll be a pro in no time!
–The “heart walking around outside your body” is real. Even though I heard it before, I didn’t understand what that would actually feel like until afterwards.
Even with all the worries, giving birth was one of the most amazing experiences ever. :) I hope it will be amazing for you too!
Deep Breaths Erin,
In 3 weeks you, & only you, will know what every cry means. You, & only you, will know when it is time to worry about sleep training. And only you will figure out how to change your circumstances to get to the right balance. Just remember that most of the women you walk by every day have done this and they and their children have flourished . You got this!!!
How much is it going to hurt? This is what I was told, and it is absolutely true: many women have more than one child.
Whatever you do… don’t make any judgements on yourself, your parenting skills or the baby in the first 3 months (and for God Sakes don’t think you can get a 0-3 month old on a sleep schedule!). Just survive. Every 3 months there is exponential change… and you really will live your way to the answers.
Oh and also – if something is making you resentful, then make a change! If it’s breastfeeding, taking 45 minutes to rock them to sleep, co-sleeping, whatever it may be. If it’s not working for you then don’t do it anymore and don’t feel any guilt about it. A happy mama is an important thing!
There are SO many ways to “do babies”. I always admired the people that were super laid-back, brought their babies into restaurants late at night and were able to seemingly maintain their normal life. I have a friend who brought her 2-month old on an Italian vacation. NOT ME. I am kind of a crazy, routine-oriented, rule-following person. My husband teases me about it when I’m maybe being too militant about getting home for a certain naptime, not letting the baby eat something. etc. But you know what? That’s what works for me and helps me keep my sanity. Of course, babies are unpredictable so you can count on life being pretty disrupted for awhile, the sooner you accept it the easier it is! A few key phrases/pieces of advice I’ve read or heard that I constantly remind myself of:
-Babies be babies (meaning, they’re unpredictable).
-Everything (seriously, everything..good and bad) is a phase.
-Google is your best friend and worst nightmare.
There is nothing better than that first 24 hours. Yeah you’re physically beat up, but you finally get to meet that little person and there’s a whole team of people taking care of you and your babe. It’s magical.
great advice and so true!
Don’t go crazy timing the contractions. It’s nice to time at the start, just to see where you are, and then take a break. Let’s say you are in labor for 24 hours, 24 hours of looking at a stopwatch, you’ll want to die. At first, just rest, you’ll know when it’s time to start timing them again, believe me! It’s a little harder to know when it starts, at first it felt like period cramps, then they stayed… And to top it all off, sometimes contractions are weird and erratic, not textbook, at 9 cm mine were still 5 mins apart and only 40 seconds long, everyone is so different! Bottom line, chill with the timing, you’ll drive yourself crazy and not get the rest you need! Oh and hydrate :) You are going to rock it Mama!
nailed it. this is me to a “T”. Even down to mixing up the test tubes. I have anxiety and even though I’m on #2, I’m a nervous wreck about it all. I never experienced true labor being induced the first time, so I’m waiting around here like what is it going to be like, ahh. you’ll be great. most of it does come naturally. And it’s completely normal to stress about everything. At least that’s what I keep telling myself ;) Good luck!
Some suggestions:
Labor part? Don’t stress about it! I didn’t even know I was in labor until I went for my routine appointment with my doctor, when she announced that I was in labor and already 5 cm dilated. we went right to the hospital and my son was born 12 hours later. I didn’t have an epidural until I was 9.5 cm dilated, only because I needed the rest to build up the energy for pushing–my midwife was against it at first because I was so close to the finish line, but my instinct told me to go for it, and it was a smart move because my son took his sweet time coming into the world–I pushed for over 3 hours–had I not rested before pushing, I would have to resort to C-section. Despite it all, I had an amazing birth experience! If you plan on breastfeeding, BRING YOUR BOBBY or BREASTFRIEND. The nurse will help you, but in the end, you only have 2 hands! Give it 6 weeks…I hated breastfeeding in the beginning, and I kept telling myself one more day, and I am proud to say I am loving it and it’s such an amazing bonding time with your baby. (Do not leave the hospital without a prescription for APNO (all purpose nipple ointment) it was my saving grace.
Second thing, DON’T READ ANYTHING ONLINE–I drove myself crazy trying to figure out everything–and the best advice was given to me: Just follow your gut instinct and do what you think is best. You can’t spoil a newborn! Take him out everywhere in the first 3 months if possible.
I fell in love with my son as soon as he came out but I love him more and more all the time, every day because he is now a little person, and so much fun.
Make sure you have your alone time/going out without the baby–you will be a lot happier!
You will be absolutely amazing!
Things in the pain department…
First, if you had an HSG during your infertility testing, then you pretty much already know what a really strong contraction feels like. You’ll have the epidural well before it gets to that point, so don’t worry. Getting the epidural is not exactly pleasant, but only takes about 30 seconds- much better than 16 hours of pain. I only know because my first epidural with my son slipped during an especially painful point of labor and I had to scream through about 10 minutes of contractions until the anesthesiologist could come redo it! The numbing shot feels like a bee sting for about 2 seconds, then it’s more of a mind game that you know they’re in your spine, which kinda freaked me out. But once that puppy kicks in… Ahhhhh, bliss! Take a nap, watch a movie, play cards, whatever. You feel nothing and are basically just waiting around your baby to arrive. When it comes to pushing, it’s exhausting because you’re expending so much energy, but it doesn’t hurt.
After: everyone has said how sore your nipples will be for the first couple weeks, but something I’d forgotten about with my second that no one tells you is the cramping you experience the first few days when you start to feed. Like it feels like you’re having contractions when they nurse. This is usually done by the time you go home though, so thankfully you don’t have to put up with that for the first couple weeks!
You’ll do great… We’re all anxious to hear the good news!!
Oh- and Lansinoh nursing pads are by far the softest! Wear them to bed your first night home before the milk comes in unless you want to wake up in the middle of the night with a soaking wet chest. ?
I hate to tell you, but if you didn’t have these worries-you would not be normal. I look back (baby is 14 months now) and I had the worst worries-I knew I’d be the first woman to never deliver the baby inside.
My biggest suggestion if you choose to breastfeed, find a good lactation consultant. It makes all the difference. Luckily my consultant came to the hospital and helped me get started. Then I went to see her weekly. She had great tips for position, getting me fitted with the right cup for my breast pump and eventually diagnosing my son with tongue tie, which we had fixed.
Words from my friend when her first son was born, “We’ve never been parents and he’s never had any so he doesn’t know if we are doing something wrong.”
Congratulations!!! Enjoy each moment…the days are long, but the years are short.
I get it because after the birth they just send you home with this little person and go ‘Good Luck’! I mean what the heck are you supposed to do now!? My biggest worry was pulling the kids arm out of its socket or breaking an arm trying to dress the child – I did NOT by the way!
Here’s the thing, you can read books you can talk to people but it is your child so whatever you do is GREAT! Don’t let people tell you that you are doing something wrong…it isn’t wrong it just possibly isn’t their way – again your child your way.
As far as the actual birth – sorry honey but it is gonna hurt and hurt for a while. Yes down there will look like a slasher movie has taken up residence -SO DON’T LOOK! my tip – get some surgical gloves, fill them with water and freeze – you can insert a finger if you need extra cooling but they are the right size to fit there. Something else noone tells you – now you haven’t had ‘that time of the month’ for 9 months… guess what’s comming – lots of bleeding -it is gross and you have to wear a big diaper thing – not very appealing… BUT TOTALLY WORTH IT! You can do it!
Hi Erin! All your concerns will fade save the whole heart outside your body thing. And an epidural will make labor and delivery that much easier, they’re awesome. Don’t worry about looking ‘down there’ and it all goes back to normal, I swear! You’re going to be fantastic parents, and you won’t hurt your boy. You’ll love him to pieces and he’ll be all the better for it.
My biggest and most practical advice is this: When you put a fresh diaper on your beautiful baby boy, always make sure his penis is pointing down. Because it will always point up, so it will feel unnatural to push it down. If you put the diaper on with it pointing up, all the liquid comes out of the top of his diaper and you’ll be changing his clothes constantly. Happened to me all the time until my smart girlfriends with boys clued me in.
Relish every moment and don’t sweat the stuff you have no control over. I used to worry about the smallest things and now that my kids are 16 and 14, I realize that the worries are much bigger and scarier.
You and Andrew are going to be awesome parents!
Beginning this new chapter IS probably the biggest transformation you’ll undertake in your adult life and you’re right to be thoughtful and contemplative about entering it! So many women have a baby and start working to get their “old” life back – to get their body back or their marriage back or their sleep back or their former productive work hours back. It’s better to look FORWARD, to forge a NEW path, to find your way to a future that incorporates the baby into a new cadence of life. As a designer, this idea may resonate with you – think about how you can recombine the elements of your old life into something NEW, editing out what no longer fits and adding new things that bring you joy. I call it Life Design and it’s a practice that helps you remember that you can make important contributions at work AND at home as long as you don’t try to do it the way you’ve always done. Your former coping mechanisms for overload may no longer work, but you’ll find new ones that do as you find your way in this new chapter. If I can be of help, I’d be glad to! My greatest joy is to help high impact women like you keep using their gifts WHILE having a fulfilling personal life – that’s how you’ll shine – more brightly than ever!
I should have listed my site for you – its http://www.CherylanneSkolnicki.com
I have three teenage boys and I honestly don’t remember any of the “pain” of delivery only the immense and overwhelming happiness when they told us it was a ‘boy’ the first time and again when I delivered my second and third son. You are stronger than you think and the best advise I was ever given was to enjoy every moment as they do really just fly by. Take help from anyone and everyone!
My biggest worry was a healthy baby. Once your baby is born and you know he is ok, you can handle anything else that comes at you! Good luck with your delivery and have a last date ️nite where you can just focus on each other! Congrats and enjoy the most amazing job you will ever have. Motherhood is truly incredible!
I offer a suggestion regarding your pups. After the baby is born, and you are settled back in your room, have your husband rub a piece of fabric on the baby and bring it home for the dogs to sniff. Leave it on a chair or an area frequented by the dogs. Then when you come home, have your husband walk in with the baby, and when you enter, make a fuss over the dogs, then let them sniff the baby. Because of the baby scented exposure, most dogs find the new family member to be easily welcomed. As the baby gets older, just remember to never let the baby pull on the dogs, or crawl near their food when they are eating. Their space needs to be respected as well. Hope this helps. Enjoy this incredible time in your life. It will pass more quickly than you can possibly perceive.
I promise you no mistake you will make will matter one bit. You and Andrew are going to be the experts on your baby really fast. Enjoy every stinking, wonderful, frustrating, joyful, amazing confusing, harrowing minute. It goes so f’in fast. xoxo from a mother of four almost fully adult children
You’re going to be great!! The first few weeks of the hazy newborn fog are my favorite… Soak it all in!
From one worrier to another… This is the only thing that lets me sleep at night- it may seem a tad bit CRAZY, but hey, whatever works!
http://www.amazon.com/Babysense-Hisense-5s-Movement-Monitor/dp/B00GTX269A
Can’t wait to hear your good news Erin!
xx
I agree you really don’t need a lot of stuff. That being said there are a few key things we couldn’t have lived without. 1) Swaddleme blankets – really easy velcro instead of fumbling around with a big blanket 2) rock n play 3) pacifier. If there is one suggestion I would have for a parent it is to REALLY try to have your baby use a pacifier. I breast fed my son but introduced the pacifier early even though they say not to. I know people would disagree but I swear it helped so much and he was an amazing sleeper- 8 hour stretches at 3 weeks. He is now 2 and he only uses it in his crib, it has not been a battle to get him to stop using it at all.
My other suggestion (again may go against some lactatation specialists) is give him a bottle early on and consistently. I pumped regularly and my wife always gave a bottle to our son everyday. It didn’t interfere with breastfeeding, it helped her feel more involved, and it gave me a break from one feeding. It also meant that he was always really flexible with bottle vs. breast which was great for being able to leave the house or have other people be able to watch him. Many of my friends struggled with having their babies switch over to bottle when necessary and I think it was an advantage that he was used to it.
Listen to your friends who have kids and get their words of wisdom, people will always have different ideas about how to do things but you never know which thing might work for you. Speaking of which the exercise ball is the best for a fussy baby- that was a great suggestion from a friend. Bouncing on there was almost 100% success in helping my son calm down.
Enjoy as much as you can in the early moments and try to be compassionate towards yourself, at any moment you are doing your best and that’s all anyone can expect of themselves. You will do great!
I’m a fellow worrier and recall having many of these same concerns before the birth of my first 4 years ago. Things I did differently with my second were…
-Don’t be disappointed if your birth plan doesn’t pan out. The important part is that the baby arrives and that you and he are healthy.
-Take as much time off work as you can! You never ever get those sweet first weeks with your baby back!
-Don’t worry about how clean your house is, how clean you are, what the baby is wearing, etc. I overexerted myself trying to cook, clean, entertain visitors that I delayed healing and exhausted myself.
-Feed the baby when you need to feed the baby, everyone else be damned. Get a good nursing cover and breastfeed your ass off (literally) where and when you need to. Don’t get mastitis by waiting too long.
Our 2 dogs were just fine with both babies – if anything they ignore/tolerate the kids still. They’ll get used to a baby and possibly even like him!
Good luck!
Erin, we have the same due date with our baby boys, and this is my #2, and I had a lot of these same questions with #1, so a couple thoughts:
— I had a hard time with breastfeeding; it was the #1 stressor for me with my son in the first weeks, and I regret letting it be such a dominant thing. It really messed with me and made the first weeks much harder than they should have been. I hope its easy for you, but if not, the advice I got that worked for me was: in the first couple weeks, worry about getting your milk to come in, which you can do with pumping (and rent a hospital-grade pump if you need one). So if at first you only actually nurse one feeding out of twelve and pump the rest, then do that and gradually work up to more. Or just give him formula (I probably started out with half the feedings being formula). Formula is not poison! By four months I was fine with breastfeeding, but man I wish I had RELAXED about it in the beginning.
— Maybe connected to the above – I did not feel instantaneous overwhelming love for my baby. I never had post partum blues, and I felt concern and care for my son, but it was kind of surreal at first. Like – here is this little person who is YOUR CHILD. What?! I gradually fell totally head over heels in love with him. Point being – this works differently for every woman. Its not a movie. As long as you are caring for your son, you’re doing fine. Don’t worry if your feelings aren’t what you thought they were going to be. Try not to get in your own head about it. Be easy on yourself.
— Dont stress about sleep training in the beginning – you can’t really do anything until at least two months in. We sleep trained at I think 4 months and our son is now a great sleeper, but the first couple weeks are “do whatever it takes” time – pacifiers, feeding on demand, etc. The first weeks are tough so don’t make it harder on yourself by thinking you should somehow be training him in some way. I tried to read the books before my guy was born but it all seemed so abstract – then I had our baby and seriously sped-read through like 5 sleep books because I was a highly motivated reader at that point! Top things for me: don’t let them nap past 5 PM (if they’re sleeping, wake them up), expose him to light during the day so his circadian rhythms kick in (just play by the window or whatever), and give a bottle for the last feeding before “bedtime” to make sure he gets a good feed.
— You don’t need very much gear in the beginning! My guy slept in a bassinet until 6 weeks, and we had a car seat, swaddles, onesies, diapers, bottles, and that seriously was about it. Kids become much more gear intensive later.
I found the sleep deprivation and physical recovery and breastfeeding the hardest things. On everything else just remember – babies are born in refugee camps in Sudan and do fine. My friend (who just had her #2) and I were laughing recently when we were out to dinner – she had her new baby with her who didn’t say a peep and was just hanging out calmly and we were like – why did #1 freak us out so much? Babies are so easy! (we both now have our hands full with toddlers) And she was like – but see how his (#2)’s leg is bobbing around? With #1 we would have freaked out that he had a nerve disorder or something!
Anyway, I hope its all easy for you. And if its not remember – it gets better. Do whatever you need to do to make it easy for yourself.
Also, one last point because the one problem I did NOT have is that I never wanted to kill my husband (as many of my friends did) – have a conversation with Andrew about what you expect of him. Seems like you guys have that kind of relationship, but I know too many friends who seethed and brooded about everything their husbands weren’t doing. Tell them!
When I had my daughter 2 years ago I thought about ALL of these things! It is truly terrifying to be 9 months pregnant for the first time- I can totally sympathize with your fears. I was really afraid of my water breaking at work- the thought of a coworker having to call Cleaning Services to mop up amniotic fluid in my office was…horrifying. Crazy or not, I think worrying about this stuff is totally normal!
My best advice is to keep your dearest, oldest girlfriends who are also Mommies close (the ones who have been there long before Baby G, Andrew, blogging, etc…the ones who really, truly know YOU). They are gold. They will tell you the truth about having Mommy bad days. They will cry with you when it’s so overwhelming it’s hard to breathe. They will understand how you can love and hate your life at the same exact time. They will fantasize with you about running away to the spa and burning your breast pump in the backyard. You can tell them the last time you showered and they won’t judge you. They will understand you in a way your husband never could. They will love your baby in a way unlike anyone else. They will keep you grounded, they will keep you SANE. And you will love them so much more for it. I don’t know where I would be without my girls- I am so grateful for them.
Also…do your Christmas shopping now!
Haha okay, you’re going to bring the baby home and maybe for the first day or two you’ll worry about the baby, then you’ll realize that the baby is fine, and you’ll find you’re more worried about you. I.e. “Am I producing enough milk? Are my boobs ok? When do I get to sleep 6 consecutive hours again? Do I get any ‘me’ time anymore? When do they stop nursing around the clock?” You’ll find yourself going a little crazy. Newborns are hard. You may have ‘natural’ mothering instincts that kick in, but it doesn’t matter. It’s hard, and that’s ok. Baby will be learning this new world, learning you, and you and hubby will be learning the baby. It takes some time and then a few months later it gets better and really fun! :)
I could have written this exact same list.
Everyone is giving great advice. I will say that I did not expect to be as tired as I was. I thought the third trimester insomnia was preparing me for life with the baby….that didn’t even come close. As others said, send the baby to the nursery when you are in the hospital and DO NOT feel guilty about it! Limit visitors- I left the hospital exhausted because we had so many visitors. But then when we got home, the visits continued. We ended up having times when people could come by, so it wasn’t constant throughout the day.
In terms of SIDS, I left the hospital so freaked out because there are posters everywhere and they make you watch a video before you go home. They also really push breastfeeding, again with the posters and videos, and for many it is a struggle at the beginning. Do what is best for you and that will be best for the baby.
Two things – You don’t need nearly as much stuff as you think you do. Honest. But the most important one for me (‘cos, baby, I NEED my sleep!!) was the sleeping thing . The things that worked for us were a) when you know they are fed, dry and not really upset, then letting them cry 7 minutes before you go in to resettle. Feels like the HOURS, but it ony takes a few times before they are out well before the time is up. And b) (and this is CRUCIAL) – babies have one long sleep a day, and it’s up to you when they have it. DO NOT let them have it in the middle of the day, no matter how crap you are feeling bceause then they will be up all night, and you’ll have started a pattern that is hard to crack. Trust me!! Let them fall asleep in their bed as much as possible (not in your arms as you desperately pace the house) because again, you’re setting patterns. But, Erin, you will be fiiiiine. And a great mum – and you’ve got a good support system in Andrew and your mum, so remember to use it!!!
Take ’em all off your list. I’m a highly anxious person and shared many of your anxious concerns (and I’m over 35 too). I had my (first) baby girl in June. Let me just say: You will know when it’s time to go to the hospital, even if Andrew times the contractions incorrectly…you will know. My dr said I wasn’t ready to go to the hospital because I was easily talking thru my contractions. I went anyway. And guess what? I was at 7cm. I was lucky and could walk and talk thru my contractions. It actually felt better for me to dance and talk thru them than sit still. You know yourself unlike any other. So follow your gut. And I’m 4 months into motherhood and I’d say the best thing to do is: not worry about the gadgets. You need less than you think. And I still have irrational fears about dropping her or falling down the stairs. It’s totally natural and as soon as the thought crosses my mind, I have to tell myself. CHILL OUT. It’s a mom’s job to worry and you have Andrew and your support system to help yo’self check yo’self. It’s going to be great. Embrace the unknown because there’s no way to know. From one highly anxious person to another…
My piece of advice is to send the baby to the nursery at night – even if you are breastfeeding (tell the nurses to give the baby a bottle in the middle of the night – and some nurses are nutty about the breastfeeding, so stay strong) – you will go home so much more rested. It makes a huge difference! One more, the baby nightgowns are the best for middle-of-the-night changes – so much easier than fumbling with snaps!
P.S. Enjoy – it’s a magical time – I remember it feeling like my husband, baby and I were in a little cocoon!
My breastfeeding advice: At the beginning when at home keep the breasts unconstrained, no tight bra or tightly padded. Let the milk flow. It is a bit messy but possibly can spare you some pain that could occur when the breasts get clogged. If they still get clogged (they are hard, hurting but no or only few drops of milk are coming out) than I can recommend putting on compress of warm black beer (I did very warm almost hot) as often as you can manage and also often try pumping the milk out until it starts to flow again. On the other hand, when the breasts are painful with a red area but soft , keep icing them. It is mastitis and with my first baby the doctors were giving me antibiotics, but later I realized this is not necessary. If you ice and ice and ice the specific spot, it will go away, it may take a day or two. Oh and oak bark bath for down there in case of more serious damage is also recommended. But you may not even need any of this, some people get lucky :o) Wishing all the best!!!
Everyone has all of these worries. What they don’t tell you is how awesome it is to pass out on the sofa with your baby sleeping on your shoulder. It all changes, and it all works out.
oh— and get Baby 411 and leave it on the cocktail table.
I have enjoyed catching up on your life/blog during some binge readings and I have to say every time you talk about your pregnancy I cry (actually weeping better describes my state) tears of happy joy and remembrances!
I went through IVF a few times and finally had a wonderful and gorgeous boy – quickly all the pain , sorrows , the emotional roller coaster weeks and worries disappear as you begin to get to know your baby and your new self. The first year is the hardest year of all – but you will pull through with amazing memories and hilarious, as well as heartfelt experiences.
Here is some practical advice a mom of 2 boys gave me right before I had my son 11 years ago and one that really hit the mark (pun intended)…PAMPERS CRUISERS! It may sound insane to you now – but somehow this diaper really helps when the BOYS pee – we tried cheaper diapers, we tried Huggies and we tried cloth. Pampers Cruisers helps them sleep through without getting wet all over their bellies…and you really don’t want a silly thing like a pee waking up a baby;-)
I checked the website and YES they still have this style all the years later.
Don’t over child proof your house until you know what kid of child you have. People were telling me I had to lock the toilets and cabinets and get rid of table lamps.
Some will pull and knock over everything and others barely make a dent in your house…lucky for me all we ended up needing was a stair gate.
Listen – best of luck. Have fun with it all. It’s the best!
My second is now almost a year but I’m still telling anyone who’ll listen – get the blue can of dermoplast cooling spray for downtown recovery. Legitimately holding grudges that no one told me about this stuff with my first. It’s amazing.
I think we all have the same fears before we give birth! Especially for the first time. Recovery…the first week is dicey. Not going to sugarcoat it but things get much better pretty quickly and I can say that after being in pretty bad shape after my first. Oh, the name…that happened to us! Thankfully I didn’t know whether I was having a boy or girl so I hadn’t gotten anything monogrammed or personalized but I took one look at my little guy and said “nope, that’s not this baby’s name!”. And you’ll figure the balance act out. You will find a way to put the baby first because it will come naturally. Suddenly my work went from being for me to bring for him – for his education, to give him a nice home, etc. and I appreciated my work even more/worked even harder! There’s nothing on your list that you won’t figure out really quickly and, thankfully, naturally! Contractions are unmistakeable. Even my second time around I had this fear that I wouldn’t realize I was having them or wait too long to go to the hospital. But there really is nothing like a true contraction! And you’re close to the hospital! You’ll do great!
You don’t need all the gadgets. As someone mentioned, you really just need onesies, diapers, and a swaddle. It’s also nice to have gas drops on hand. Everything else is why Amazon Prime and 24-hour stores were created.
I’d recommend having the north/south discussion with your husband before you go into labor. I was adamant that mine not see anything south, but apparently in the middle of it all while I was drugged up, I told him he could look. He thankfully knew it was the drugs talking.
And remember, it all does get easier. I said that to myself so many times during some of the harried moments. And it really does.
Erin – I watched some traumatizing Oprah episode about horrible childbirth stories about a week before I delivered my first baby (she is 28 now)… I was panicked and terror-stricken!! I actually screamed the F word when my water broke and I knew there was no turning back. My poor husband. However; it isn’t that bad or we wouldn’t keeping having babies. I had a fast labor and delivery. Didn’t need to count contractions or even have time for an epidural. So just relax and go with the flow. You will breeze through it! Plan for no plan. And you will be a great Mom.
My two cents: rent a hospital pump. 100x better and quieter than the mini home ones. Also, and I made this mistake w/ my first, but not w/ my second- get someone to help you with the babies’ first latch. I told the nurse, yes, I want to breast feed, so she let me do it, by myself?! He was sucking, thought all was good and then days later, BAM! I was sooooo sore, and this was before the milk even came in. If you get the latch right at first, you won’t be. Lansinoh is your best friend. Also, after the first two weeks, start really pumping after feeds. You’ll be making more than baby needs and you can freeze that milk and start with a small supply. As they get older and take more, it gets harder.
If it’s an option for you- even for once or twice a week, Night Nurse!!! I was just like you with my first. Never babysat as a kid, had never changed a diaper, etc. As I would feed in the middle of the night, I just peppered her with questions, fears, whatever. Gained SO much confidence (and a little sleep). Worth every penny.
Watch how the nurses handle the baby. You’ll realize quickly how he isn’t as “breakable” as you thought he’d be :)
Congrats to you. Your life will never be the same and I mean that in the best possible way. Every day is different, and just when you think you’ve figured him out- curveball. Easiest if you just try and roll with it. You’re the best person for the job and he will be lucky to have you.
Xo
A
Erin,
All I can say is, love your baby and the rest will follow. You’ll do fine. Give yourself GRACE. You don’t need all the stuff (and if you don’t have it, amazon will get it to you). I’m a full time working mom and sometimes it’s hard, but it’s worth it if you love what you do. Some things will slide and some won’t, but when you look at that sweet little boy, everything will be worth it. Best of luck! You got this!
You’ll know when your in labor, don’t even worry about that. It is very different than BH, and you’ll most likely start to go into labor at night.
I remember the first time, my husband slept the whole night while I paced around my house for hours. (someone else mentioned the contraction master app, download that) The nurses will take care of everything. Once little Baby Gates is out – REST!!! Tell people to visit you at home, and while you are in the hospital RECOVER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Once you go home, the nice nurses are gone, and taking a quick 1.45hr nap gets harder. When people visit you, take a shower, let them cook for you and hang out with the baby while you sleep. Trust me, sleep.
Regarding work, you have done this all in the right order. All of your clients will be so happy that you had a baby, things can wait! You can Skype in jammies with a baby on the boob (as long as no one can see) and things will get done. I was put on bed rest for my last 3 weeks of my first pregnancy and I had JUST hired my replacement at work. That poor intern was thrown into my spot with zero training and had to install three huge projects with my old boss within a month. (drama!! )Thank God for Skype and texting.
Honestly, its about to be the absolute best and scariest part of your life. 6 months from now, you’ll look back and say “I’ve got this, lets plan for #2”
Good luck, epidurals are the best!!
B
The best advice anyone ever gave me before my first son was born was not to keep the house quiet while they slept. If your baby can’t sleep through the day to day noise of your home you are doomed to misery….
Also, don’t feel guilty about sleeping while he sleeps, day or night….. This was the hardest thing for me to accept…. that for a couple of weeks things might not get done in the timely manner I normally do them…. but for your sake and the sake of your baby, get plenty of rest when you can. There is nothing worse than being so tired you can’t fully enjoy his awake time.
I can’t wait to see him!
Erin, you are going to be a wonderful mother! I would say don’t worry, but I know that you will. The anticipation is great now (as it should be), but once your baby comes you will be so focused on him that you won’t have time to worry! It is tough giving birth and recovery is tough too, but you will not care about it one bit once your sweet baby arrives. I think (and my baby girl just turned 3) that the year after the birth of my daughter was hands-down the happiest time of my life. I was falling in love with her. In love. I cannot tell you how overwhelming it felt, my heart was brimming with joy every day. I was tired, sure, but it honestly did not bother me that much. I stayed home for 3 months then went back to my law firm where I work as an attorney. So, yes, days were long and I hated to be apart from her. But, I was so focused on loving her and this new emotion flooding me and hormones going crazy that everything else paled in comparison! It was the most beautiful time of my life. Savor every moment!
Um.. welcome to motherhood?! It’s all about worries and questions and the unknown, but that’s part of what makes so wonderful and special. The best advice I got was from my mom: One challenge just replaces the one before it. Basically, there are going to be rough patches the whole way (getting the hang of nursing, sleeping through the night, the first cold, learning to feed themselves, etc.) its all about phases so don’t stress too much about each one – just push through. As for more concrete advice: I LOVE “Help My Child is Sick” because there is no need to be on WebMD. It divides out common illnesses into different symptoms and then tells you what to do based on the symptoms. If you see X call 911 right now; if you see Y, call your doctor right now; if you see Z , call your doctor in the morning; if you see Q, calm down and have a glass of wine. I also used “12 hours by 12 weeks old” which now I think “The baby sleep solution.” It was essential because we have twins and you can read it in 2 hours. Seriously. Finally, take a baby care class at the hospital. We did that and its great to learn about how to give a bath, change a diaper, care for the umbilical cord, etc. But all in all, you will do great!! Enjoy it!!
….oh one last thing. I used to find it so annoying when people would tell me to enjoy it because it goes by so fast. Now I am going to be the annoying one. It really, really does. Enjoy and do things YOUR way. Much love.
The day before we brought our daughter home Gavin went back home with a blanket that the baby had been wrapped in and gave it to our Bernese Mountain Dog Rosie. By the time we brought the baby home Rosie was familiar with her smell and wasn’t so freaked. I also made sure I came into our house and gave Rosie lots of snuggles and hugs before walking in with the baby. Xoxo Oh yeah and I made cookies for my nurses at the hospital – nothing crazy just store bought dough, but they work so hard and take such good care of you that the gesture went a long way!
Erin:
I just came out of my first year of motherhood and I had some of the same concerns you currently have. I know you will be fine. I was worried about labor and wanted every detail figured out. Will my water break spontaneously? If so, how much water are we talking about here? It is like a cup of water? A quart? I know it will be painful but exactly how painful will it be? I had all these questions but nobody can give you specifics b/c everyone’s experience and level of pain is so different. One thing is for certain, at the end of the day you will have a baby and probably a really good story you will remember for the rest of your life. It really is such a rush!
Another person wrote that they expected to feel this immediate, exquisite love for their child the second the baby was placed in her arms but didn’t and I can echo that same experience. It took a few weeks for the deep bonding to really happen, for the first few weeks I just felt really overwhelmed and in shock b/c my baby was a little early and I just couldn’t believe I was no longer pregnant. When it hit, it really hit!
Recovery is messy. Period. I scraped by without a tear but have friends who didn’t and it did not sound pleasant. You are tender, and leaking but it goes away and frankly your attention is so divided that you sort of set it aside and before you know it, you are done with that part. On the flip side, breastfeeding was a huge challenge for me and I never made enough milk and ended up having to supplement. I was hugely disappointed but looking back, I realize it was a lot of energy, tears and anxiety wasted b/c my child is just fine. I honestly can’t reiterate enough that if your goal is to successfully breastfeed, get a lactation consultant! They are incredibly helpful.
You will change your first diaper at the hospital – they will show you and also how to swaddle. Don’t worry, you will be well equipped before you leave.
Someone else said on here to let the people who are in similar situations in their lives in to help you and as a support system. Motherhood, in all its beauty, can also be oddly isolating and it helps to have a support group of other women who are either where you are or have been where you are and understand where you are coming from when you are having “one of those days”.
I had terrible anxiety around slipping or tripping and falling with my baby ….and then it happened! I got injured (sprained my toe) and the baby was fine and I cried and the baby didn’t. I spent the day googling stories about it to calm myself down though b/c I was so freaked. Everyone will have at least one scary story in their motherhood files they could tell you.
Remember, you are not crazy if you just all of a sudden burst into tears for no reason.
At the end of the day, you are going to be a fantastic mom – you have a lot of love in your heart for your husband and your family and that is really what babies need the most.
Congratulations!
Erin,
You are sooooo normal!
One piece of advice I will give you. Once the bundle is born, feel free to share adorable pictures, how you are feeling, your highs and lows etc. But, I would be cautious with everything you share. Raising babies is somewhat like politics. You have a right side (The Babywisers) and a left side (The Attachment Parents). Unless you are ready to have a full on debate about how long you should breastfeed and whether or not you let the baby sleep with you or cry it out, along with many other topics, then just don’t go there. Keep it all simple and sweet or be prepared to have some criticism, because both sides will criticize. It’s your baby and your right to do things the way you want them to be done. Wishing you happiness and calm clearing thoughts.
For diapering a boy, the best advice I got was to POINT IT DOWN. It sounds logical, but in the blur of the first 1-2 weeks, I often forgot, and my son ineviably ended up with a wet belly.
You sound a lot like me minus the fabulous career ;) you know you’re an anxious person (as am I) and the whole wait and see thing is hard to do but believe me, it’s honestly the best approach. Every child is different. Every child of yours requires you though. That’s it. You’ll figure out what works best for him and you. There will be a few challenges and hiccups (no pun intended) but you’ll figure those out too. As your child develops (crazy rapidly) their needs will change too. One product that worked like a charm one week will be tossed in the corner the following because it doesn’t work anymore. However what is consistent is your love and care. Cheesy? A bit but it’s true. Good luck!
And a brief comment on breastfeeding…the more relaxed you are the more milk you’ll produce. My milk didn’t come in till four and a half days after giving birth with my first. Just keep feeding him the colostrum and the more he sucks the quicker it will come in. I was “threatened” with formula but the milk came in shortly after. And boy will you know. Your boobs will get even bigger than you imagined. It will go down but it’s crazy weird.
Well let me start by saying you are exactly like every pregnant mom to be :) Those lovely insomnia nights lead to rabid quests to find the perfect diaper caddy (seriously that’s what I agonized about??!!) and the best position for labor with diagrams to prove it! Oh joy oh joy.
I’m now pregnant with my second so here are some insights from number one…
– Labor is such a great unknown that it was a big worry. Try to let it go a bit. You will be able to tell real labor because it gets progressively more intense. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it horrendous? No. It doesn’t last forever. And the best part? Between contractions it doesn’t hurt. Additionally I found lying on the bed to be when the contractions hurt the most. Move around (if not on epidural yet) to find what feels good. I found standing and leaning over the bed, resting my arms on the bed to be amazingly better. It works with your body more.
– I didn’t have the heavens opened up and love poured out moment right away…you will have it, but if it’s not right then don’t worry. It was a few weeks later laying in bed that I looked over at his crib and oh my the feels.
– After a few weeks honestly I wanted a day home by myself with him. To figure out how to bounce him, talk to him and be his comforter without people watching.
-DO NOT WORRY ABOUT SLEEP NOW. The first month is all about snuggles and feeding. After you can see what kind of baby he is, read a book while holding him and decide on your method.
-Andrew in in charge of diapers and circumsicion (if you choose) for the hospital stay and first few days at home. Seriously make this the law right now. He will love to help, it’s one more thing for you to not worry about and you deserve it after growing and delivering a human being. My husband did this and it was amazing. I didn’t want to learn to do a diaper in the hospital with nurses watching. Do it at home and let Andrew show you his tricks, he will love it.
– Recovery. Take the pain pills. It isn’t terrible just achy. And the flow isn’t that heavy for too long. I was prepped for a murder scene. Not so. If want get some depends for first few days at home, they can be easier.
– I felt so much more balanced hormone and mood wise while pregnant. It didn’t disappear instantly…I think once I started periods again is when o noticed going back to old ways (periods start after breastfeeding ends).
You will sleep again, you will feel normal again and you will not kill your baby. Ask for help how you want it. Take an abundance of pictures and enjoy those snuggles and new baby smell.
I’m only 2 months into motherhood myself and so don’t have a ton of advice, but my sister in law told me that if you want to breastfeed make sure you give it a solid two weeks before giving up. And she was right! It might have even been three weeks for me, but it really does get so much easier and less painful. Also, don’t worry about the diapers – your baby will give you lots of opportunities to practise. :)
I don’t have any advice to offer, but I am pregnant with my first as well and I am feeling so anxious because it is a world I know nothing about. I just want to say thank you for this post and all of the comments. It is really helping me feel a bit more at ease. I hope you feel at ease too Erin! Good luck!
having just survived my first year of motherhood, i remember those first 3 months as a haze. I had the same exact worries you did. when he was born, i was so ‘in the moment’ of the situation that everything else seemed to not matter. i/we tackled it 1 at a time- feeding, changing, nap time, shower. it’s amazing what the mind can filter out so you can take each thing as it comes. seriously, you may feel like will ferrell in old school when he finishes the debate– like, what the hell just happened. accept your friends and families help and make an effort to involve andrew in feedings, baths, etc. little boys are the sweetest and love their mamas so much, it makes my heart hurt!
The nurses at the hospital will become your favorite people in the world! They will all be amazingly nice & reassuring and they will teach you absolutely everything you need to know about caring for your infant before you go home. You’ll be a pro within a day.
As for SIDS? It’s fairly easy to prevent. No bumpers, no pillows, no stuffed animals, no loose blankets in the crib/bassinet. Just your baby until they’re about a year old. I recommend sleep sacks/”wearable blankets” if you’re worried about them being warm enough. We really liked ones from Ikea and Carter’s.
We did use a blanket when our little guy was in his Rock N’ Play but only because he was strapped in and we tucked a small blanket down low enough (around his hips) and tight enough around him that he never got it up around his face. (They also think SIDS mostly happens in babies who have a hearing anomaly in their left ear, which their initial hearing test will pick up on. )
Being a mom is always nerve-wracking and you always worry if you’re doing a good enough job, so I just try to remember to take deep breaths and remind myself that I’m doing the best I can.
I was so, SO anxious about childbirth. I just knew it was going to be the scariest thing I ever experienced – but honestly (and I know every experience is unique) – labor and delivery with an epidural were not bad at all. I wasted so much energy freaking myself out, when in reality the process was pretty amazing.
Breastfeeding was not easy. Oh, it’s the natural thing to do? Women have been doing it for thousands of years? That’s great and everything, but in the beginning it did not feel natural. There were so many nights I felt defeated and wanted to quit, but I set a goal of two weeks and I was determined to make it. Support is key to sticking it out – and I’m so glad I did!
Every friend I talked to or article I read said I would feel this instant, unequivocal love the moment I laid eyes on my daughter. I was caught off-guard when I didn’t experience that feeling, and I thought something was wrong with me. Obviously I loved her very much from the start, but it took weeks until I felt truly bonded with my daughter. You might not have the same experience, but if you do, just know you’re not alone. I wish I had read that somewhere.
I just finished the “4th trimester” and I’m finally feeling like myself again – at least, the new myself as a mom. What a period of emotional roller coasters! Once I realized I shouldn’t expect things to go a certain way and I’m allowed to feel everything I felt, I was much happier. There is no room for guilt in parenting; it’s stressful enough as it is. Take it one day at a time and remember everything is just a phase. Those are the words I lived by!
Some resources I couldn’t live without:
– KellyMom.com for breastfeeding information (seriously spent HOURS in the middle of the night reading every article/following every link).
– La Leche League discussion boards – Either to find an answer to a question at 2am or to put my problems in perspective. In the middle of the night when I felt like I was going to quit and it was the end of the world, there was always a mom going through something worse than me.
– Baby Time app – well-designed, straightforward app to track feedings, diaper changes, etc.
I wish you all the best. I’m also much calmer and less anxious when I’m pregnant and, fortunately, it continues for me with newborns and breastfeeding. Whatever the hormone mix is, it’s good for my brain. So I’m happy to hear you’re having that experience in pregnancy. All the pregnancy worries go out the window for me when I get to see them with my own eyes.
That said, don’t put too much pressure on yourself if the very initial moment isn’t emotional/exactly what you hope. I sure hope it is but for me it takes a little bit of time as we get to know each other. And now I’m crying thinking about my babies because the love comes – just a bit later than I anticipated (as in days instead of hours).
Breastfeeding is very hard for me for the first few weeks and then it gets much easier. I think anticipating how hard it might be is half the battle. The other half is lansinoh cream. Swear by it. Like you said, whichever path you go down will be what’s best for you and your baby.
All my best to you!
One more thing! Baby 411 is my bible when I have a baby. Practical, no nonsense, comprehensive and non anxiety producing because it’s so straightforward and covers all the approaches (sleep, feeding, etc.) Highly recommend it!
Childbirth really really really huuuuurrrrrtttttts!!!!!!!!! And this is coming from a woman who only had labour for one singular hour from first pain until the baby girl came gushing out. Epi all the way!!!
Also let Mr. Gates stand at your shoulder during delivery! Am just saying….
Also once baby comes, I agree that at around 3- 4 months or so he can sleep in his own room. My daughter sleeps on a separate floor (we have a tall narrow 5 story house in Brussels.) She doesn’t understand the concept of fear/scared of the dark/being alone at 4 months and now she is 2 y.o she still doesn’t feel those things. She collects her stuff animals and goes off to her crib. She yells for us to come get her when morning comes though.
I also subscribe to: if my mamma did a thing well, I will do it too; if mamma sucked at a thing I will do the opposite.
Happy nesting!
Victoria
Things to take off your list…
1. Stuff. Babies need onesies, diapers, swaddle blankets, soft hats, mom, dad.
2. Labor. As my sister says, “The baby is coming. It will be what it will be.” You have a plan and a great medical team. Your husband can count if his contraction thing doesn’t work.
3. Monograms.
Congratulations! Let the first weeks of baby’s life be the most simple you have ever had.
All normal worries! :) I remember my last (and very unplanned) dinner out before my oldest was born was the night I went in to be induced (he was 10 days late). We went to Stella and my first thought was “My god, my water is gonna break all over this trendy restaurant’s all-white decor and I’ll never be able to show my face in the South End again!” Didn’t happen. Water never broke! Anyway…
1. Kiss your birth plan goodbye, if you have one. Who knows what will happen, so don’t plan for anything. Your anxiety will greatly decline.
2. Don’t worry about gadgets. I used half the gadgets with my 2nd and she’s totally normal and actually much less OCD than her big brother who had all this extra “stuff”.
3. Looking back I don’t know what was such a big deal about changing a diaper. On our last day in the hospital after #1, the nurse was like “Lady, you have GOT to change at least one diaper before you leave here.” It’s not rocket science, and much less smelly than dog poop.
4. Have the circumcision discussion now, if you haven’t already. Don’t wait until the day the pediatrician offers to do it.
5. Find your tribe of women with similarly-aged kids who you can tell and ask anything and won’t judge you.
You’ll do great! :-)
I loved the sleep training book, “12 Hours Sleep by 12 Weeks”. You don’t have to use the title as a goal but I found it really helpful to try to establish a daytime and nighttime schedule when I had my twins. I also loved how it works in steps. “Try this first… once this works, moves on to the next step, etc”. It helped me feel like a “success” as a mom.
I had a lot of trouble breastfeeding because I couldn’t keep up with the twins and showering was PAINFUL!! Now that I’m pregnant again, I want to read up as much as I can on breastfeeding.
Above all, don’t forget to ask for help. Everyone has opinions and everyone wants to help. Filter out the opinions that you think will work for your family. There are also a ton of great resources for breastfeeding at the hospital and through your local La Leche League. If it’s not working and you REALLY want to make it work, ask around.
Have your husband download a contraction timing app, any one will work. You will be fine!
You are getting some awesome advice on here! I am loving the comments! I would add– Do NOT freak out if you have to have a C section. I had two–it’s FINE. And I don’t pee when I laugh! ;)
I want to emphasize one comment I saw– It’s easier to train an infant than a toddler. What a great point– repeat this to yourself. Toddlers are tough-infants are easy. Apply this when it comes to pulling the pacifier! I pulled mine at 6 months. Everytime I see a toddler walking around with one and trying to talk with one in his mouth, I smugly pat myself on the back.
The book ( I can’t remember which one!) that teaches you to wake the baby to feed every three hours during the day and then let em go as long as they want at night worked GREAT at our house.
I am excited for you! Sounds like you are ON it!!!!!
One thing I did that not many women know about is go to post partum physical therapy. I would ask around to see if any women in your area have gone or I could ask my physical therapist if she has a rec (she’s in NYC). PT helps the healing and scarring (I know – so gross) and with improving your pelvic muscles after birth. In France every women goes to post partum PT – it’s crazy to me that it is not a normal thing after birth here in the US!
My best advice is listen to your heart and instincts! Those books will make you crazy second guessing everything you do. You will be such an awesome mom!!!! Enjoy the time at home with your little boy and with Andrew! It’s so special and fun!!!!!!
So exciting! Most worries will go when the baby arrives because you’ll be too busy staring at him to have time to worry. Everyone here has had great advice. All I can add is make sleeping (yours) the top priority. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE THANK YOU NOTES! They’ll get written eventually. The first six weeks can be grueling with feeding and visitors and cute baby outfit changes. Drop everything you can off your list and sleep. Hire a babysitter or a night nurse (I didn’t for either child but, despite the expense, would have done that one over) or beg favors from family and friends. Getting sleep will be the biggest contributor to feeling decent, physically and emotionally. I have no history of depression but thought I was very close to postpartum with my second. I told my husband I needed more sleep and we worked hard to make it happen (only a little more, I had a two-year old after all). The difference was tremendous. Good luck and have fun! Except for giving us all a peek at Baby Gates, I give you this reader’s permission to not post on your blog for a good long while. Enjoy!
Breathe. You’re going to be fine – you’ll attack each hurdle you mentioned above one at a time. It sounds like you have a wonderful family close by and an amazing husband. Enjoy the time you have left as a two-some. Get a pedicure. Get a foot massage. Go to dinner at 7:30pm at a restaurant where the tables are packed together and strollers are frowned upon.
Good advice!
Erin, this just means you are going to be a great mother. It would NOT be normal if you weren’t worrying about these things. And yes, you have a good friend in Caroline, wish I would have had somebody let me know more about that situation before the fact. Congratulations, praying for a happy, healthy baby and a perfect delivery.
My prenatal yoga teacher led us with a mantra during the second trimester of my first pregnancy that has stuck with me for the past 4 years, during two pregnancies and births, throughout the challenging first few weeks (and sometimes months) of learning to breastfeed and survive on limited sleep, through raging hormones, highs of great success and lows of utter defeat…and on through the challenges of learning how to be a mom, find balance (whatever that means at the time), be present, be a great partner, a better me, a better mom…but also to just be enough and feel like enough. So I’ll leave you with that mantra, and hope it works for you now, or at some point, or always :)
I can do this. I CAN do this. I can DO this. I can do THIS.
(just change the word you emphasize and repeat. so simple and so true.)
What a great mantra! I’m using that one! Thanks! Haha
Your mantra (actually, this is for everyone) is “my best is good enough”. Because it will be. And ask for help when you need it. The people who love you genuinely want to help.
100%
Don’t look “down there”, I cannot even stand the sight of a paper cut so I was absolutely not interested in looking at my episiotomy scar. Just be assured that thing will get back to normal in few weeks. Also, my husband chose (over 20 years ago) to maintain a North/South view of the birth and stay the entire time near my head. Yes he did not see the head crowning, but he also did not see my vagina bleeding and tearing. My brother in law chose the South/North position during the birth of his daughter and it took him a while to recover from the trauma, and to feel comfortable approaching said area.
Best advice I was ever given that put things in to perspective for me was provided by my birth/lamaze instructor…. “Honey, always remember – crack babies can live in a dumpster for 3 days. There’s nothing you are going to do to or forget to do for the baby that’s worse than that.”
With that said, and while I tried to remind myself that I should be doing things for my baby, not just to curb my own anxiety. An example of failure to do so came after struggling for 5 hours to get him to sleep. He was finally down and I realized that he wasn’t in proper flame retardant pajamas. Certainly THAT night would be the one when the house burned down – so I actually woke him up to change him. Yes, I did.
Cheers to you!
Beth
there is so much good advice out there – my 2 cents on breastfeeding is i got COMPLETELY engorged – i went to a DD and my boobs were hard as rocks. if you put cold cabbage leaves (just peel the big outside layer) and place in your bra before or after you nurse it helps tremendously – or after a shower, put a big bag of frozen peas on top of chest and then wrap your bathrobe over tight for 10 min. some people never get engorged but that was my biggest challenge with nursing with all 3 kiddos. takes about 2 weeks for your body to figure out a nursing system.
Amen on the cabbage leaves, but want to point out the added bonus that it’s freaking FUNNY, and you’ll be appreciating some humor. Huge, wonderful, cooling relief. Kept the cabbage in the fridge.
All valid worries! Some things that i can relate to.
– remember, there is NO wrong way to feed your baby
– steal everything not mailed down from the hospital
– dont be a hero, take whatever meds they give you
– worship the nurses
– i hadnt changed a diaper either, it really does come naturally (as does holding, and comforting, and loving your baby)
– dog walker! puppy day care! they will love you for it.
I am a HUGE advocate of the Happiest Baby on the Block! I have three girls and all three were sleeping through the night at around 8 weeks, give or take the odd 3 am feeding occasionally. I do not fool around with sleep and for me, putting those babies in their own rooms to sleep was critical. They are allowed to hop in with us when they are sick, otherwise, off to your room you go. It feels harsh to sleep train a newborn, but it’s much easier than trying to sleep train a toddler! Just my two cents worth. You’ll do great. I think having a baby is kind of like a wedding in a way, something will not go according to plan, but if you focus on the joy of the event, you will enjoy it so much more!
I’ve taken a lot of pleasure and comfort in the supportive, thoughtful comments that your pregnancy posts seem to inspire from your readers. Here’s my own humble offering.
I had a rough time after my son was born (he’s 14 months now). Long recovery, fussy baby, crazy hormones (no PPD, but looking back, I think I was on the edge). If I could go back and tell anything to my cracked-out, overwhelmed self it would be this: You don’t have to get used to this, you just need to get through it.
In my experience, dealing with a newborn isn’t like dealing with a baby–they’re barely human! After the first few months they really do chill out (or at least, mine did) and that’s when life starts resembling the movie version of having a baby. By five months we were in a really nice groove and things started to get fun and cute and easy. By 10 months I could barely remember what those early weeks were like. And now, at 14 months, I’ve actually started to look forward to doing it again (but like in a year…I still need the wine).
Just ask for a ton of help; don’t think twice about hiding in the shower for an hour (or four) if you need to be alone; even if you’re breastfeeding try to get him used to a bottle so you can take breaks if you need to; remember to eat and drink a ton of water; and be very, very, very kind to yourself.
And if you want your nanny to start while you’re still on leave, go for it girl. My biggest regret is that I didn’t get a babysitter while I was on maternity leave. My world had just been profoundly rocked and I didn’t have a second to actually process it. I think a couple of afternoons each week that I could have to myself, to sleep, to take a walk, to stare into space uninterrupted, to generally NOT be on baby duty would have made a HUGE difference to my mental health in those first few months. If you can afford it, do it.
(Maybe this goes without saying but it bears repeating: Every mom is different, every baby is different, everyone’s circumstances are different. There’s a million ways this could go ! Mine is just one mom’s perspective.)
Also, random crotch-care tip: After I delivered, the nurses handed me a newborn-sized diaper stuffed with ice chips and had me insert into in my disposable underwear. Bliss. And when I got home, I wore frozen maxi pads soaked with witch hazel and aloe (a tip from a postpartum doula). I would freeze 12 or 15 at a time and go through them over the course of the day.
Also Percocet. And Motrin. So much Motrin.
We share a due date, and this post, like so many others you have written, is EXACTLY what I’ve been thinking. I love 1) that you are able to put it into words and 2) that someone else is thinking these thoughts!!!
Hello Erin,
As a longtime reader of yours, I feel like you and I share a lot of similar personality traits (sorry, not trying to be creepy here, I don’t actually know you, but from your posts, I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you write about). That being said, I am a Type-A, worry-freak, devoted dog-mom and new baby mom. Close enough?
My husband and I just had our first child in July, and all I can say is that as much as you plan for things to go a certain way, they won’t – and that’s okay!
Our little boy came three days late, I worked up until I gave birth (I was worried I’d have to payoff the cleaning guy if my water broke at my desk – thankfully, it didn’t). We were out to dinner with my parents, and I started getting an upset stomach, I figured I ate something too rich. But then, I started getting more and more crampy. Turns out, those are contractions! Who knew? This was our first, so I had no idea what to expect. For reference, they feel like really bad menstrual cramps (at first). Yes, they get worse as labor progresses, but if you opt for an epidural (like I did), it is pretty much smooth sailing after that. It took a couple pokes for our anesthesiologist to get it right, but once it was set, I felt instant relief. My labor wasn’t short, it went on for 36 hours (pushed for two), thankfully, I was drugged for most of it, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. It was the last hour that was a blur. The doctor called in a team of about 20 people (the NICU folks had to be there because he went poo during delivery, but it was only a precaution, he was fine!). Then, my husband cut the cord, and I was handed our son. That’s when my life changed forever.
Sure, at first, they look a little gross, cone-shaped and covered in mucus, but it’s true what they say, your motherly instincts will kick in ASAP. He was mine and I was his, from that moment on.
It was my intent to breastfeed, but sometimes things don’t go as planned. He was able to latch, but it hurt so darn bad. So my nurse showed me how to use the pump instead – this didn’t hurt, fyi. I pumped for six weeks. I intended to pump for 12 weeks, but as I decreased the amount of pumping I did (tried to slow it down to coordinate with my future work schedule), my milk supply didn’t really slow, it just went away altogether. So now our little guy is on Similac formula, but he always was on it, since I was supplementing while pumping. I have one hungry kiddo! That said, yes, I know breastmilk is wonderful, it just wasn’t fully in the cards for me I guess. But you know what? I do have one very happy formula-fed baby, and I’m cool with that.
As for changing diapers, just make sure to be quick – or you’re likely to get sprayed. Also make sure to point “it” down, or “it” will spray out the top of the diaper. Lessons learned.
As for being a dog-mom and a human-mom, it can be challenging, but I’m sure your pups won’t despise you. Our dog, Lola, has been our sole furbaby for going on five years now – spoiled-rotten, but such a good girl. She does have times when she gets jealous, she’ll just sit and bark at us. But she also loves her little brother very much. The other day, my dad I and were weeding, we had our little one in the carrier outside with us, and Lola laid next to him – she wouldn’t leave his side. Proud dog-mom moment.
As for medical stuff, try not to worry too much, but when you inevitably do (like me), just call the doctor’s office/hotline. They expect new moms/dads to call a lot at first. Before they give you any advice, they’ll tell you to take a rectal temp (make sure you have a rectal thermometer and Vaseline on hand). If it comes to 100.4 degrees or greater, it’s time to go see the doctor, if not, he’s fine!
You don’t have to worry about sleep training until around 6 months (when they learn how to manipulate!), up until that point, they’re going to do what they want to do – no sense in fretting over it now.
Like I said before, prepare yourself to be unprepared. Yes, I did have just a little postpartum anxiety for about two weeks after he was born, I felt like I was stuck. My word of advice for you would be to explore the world with him. We made several trips to Target, lunch dates with dad, met up with friends, this all helps. Getting out in the world makes you feel like a human again. And remember, as much as it feels like time is dragging at first, you’ll blink and you’ll be back to work again – starting a whole new routine.
Motherhood is the scariest, but the best, trust me.
Sending warm wishes to you and your family,
Chelsey
For what it’s worth, I struggled with GAD for as long as I can remember (first panic attack in first grade) and having children has somehow diminished it. I was on anti-anxiety medication when I found out we were accidentally pregnant (oops) and went cold turkey. Since then, I have never returned to medication. I still worry–but gone is the depth and constant-ness, the inability to fall asleep at night because of fretting, etc. Having children brings a whole new slew of worries, but somehow it “cured” me of my constant anxiety. Part of me wonders if the “cure” is simply the fact that I no longer have the time or energy to worry like I did (small children + full time attorney = holding into life by skin of teeth). I am now 37 weeks pregnant with my third child, but the lack of constant anxiety was a difference I noticed after my first-born–and I think it would have been true even if I had no other children. It’s wonderful being so much more free of it, and I hope the same applies to you.
It’s all about the ice-pack undies and awesome stretchy gauze briefs the hospital gives you to wear after. Take extra home with you for sure!!! Breast feeding feels anything but natural at first but stick with it and know that it’s strage at first but gets really wonderful. And ask for some “soothies” for your nipples in the hospital ( and take extra home) and ask the nurses to help you and watch every time you feed in the hospital even though you may feel like you don’t want to bother them or want them around. They will be so helpful and can show you different ways to make it work for you. Do whatever works for you and also know that it’s hard at first but it does get better :) hope your delivery is quick and easy!!!
This was me about a year ago, thinking through all the same things and worrying about the unknown. All normal, and means you’ll be a GREAT mom to this little boy. My one “unsolicited” suggestion is to be kind to yourself while you adjust to new mommyhood. I found that I was very hard on myself in those first weeks, “why is breastfeeding not working?”, “why do I find it hard to leave the house or take a shower or even put a shirt on all day?” and “How will I ever be able to juggle work and caring for this baby let alone remembering to eat.”
It’s a REALLY hard transition going from life without a baby, a career, and doing what you want whenever you want. But give yourself time and be easy and kind to yourself and it all sorts itself out in the end. It’s OK to not get dressed for the day and be lazy with your baby all day. Enjoy that time because you will blink and he will be walking and talking!
Best of luck for a healthy and speedy delivery. You’ll be a wonderful Mother!
You are going to be great! There is tons of good advice here. My twins are 6 months old, and I feel like we are just now getting out of the weeds. I will say a couple of things.
1. Get as much sleep as you can. Hire someone to take care of the baby while you nap if you must, but do whatever it takes.
2. I knew there was a lot of prayer involved in childrearing, but I had no idea how much of it was specific to breastfeeding. It is not easy at first, but if you can make it a month it will get easier.
3. Like someone above said, it is all a phase. Everything changes and it does get easier.
You will be wonderful parents! I’m so excited for you.
I’ve loved following your pregnancy journey on your blog – thank you for sharing. I struggled with infertility as well and it was 11 years before I got mine (my daughter is 13 and my son is 10 now and I absolutely cherish them and LOVE being a mom). I’m confident that you and Andrew will be AMAZING parents! In the first few weeks when you are tempted to get something done around the house while he is sleeping and you’re exhausted take a nap at the same time. People will understand if your house isn’t perfectly tidied especially moms who have been there. Plus, I can tell by how you talk about Andrew that he will be a huge help. I was so stressed out in the hospital with my lactation consultant but once me and my baby both “got” breast feeding just a few days later I couldn’t believe how easy and natural it was but don’t feel guilty if it doesn’t work out. You also have Amazon and Target handy (Andrew running) so if you need more stuff it’s pretty quick to get it so don’t stress if you forgot something. Parenthood is the most exhausting and exhilarating experience in the world – you can’t even put into words the love you feel for your child. I guarantee that you will give your Mom a huge hug and thank her and tell her you now understand how much she loves you (and your mother-in-law for the love she has for Andrew) You will understand what it means to feel like a Mama Bear and have your heart swell with love. So excited for you!!!
Even though you might have a birth plan, be prepared for things to change. The possibility of a c-section was never on my radar and then it happened quickly. I was completely unprepared for the emergency c-section and its recovery. I also found the sleep deprivation very hard, so try to get your winks when ever you can! Everyone has the same concerns that you do – lean on your friends and family for help and advise. Best wishes!
I haven’t bothered to read anyone’s reply. My two cents…Yes, do what is best for you b/c you don’t need to be held to any one standard of the correct way to parent (I have seven so I’m an expert on said advice, right?:-) With that said, I am so glad my first OB doc told me that unless I was 100% certain that I would nurse come hell or high water, I would give up. He explained that everyone prepares for birth and the pain, we know, will be beyond anything we have experienced. But we fail to prepare for nursing. Picture needles sliding through your ducts. Engorged breasts…your D’s have nothing on those suckers that are about to arrive. BUT, after two months of hell and my mom holding my son to my breast while I sat on my hands for fear of shoving him away and slobbering/humming/crying, all while she cried and yelled, “You don’t have to do this! I formula fed you!!!! You are great!!! Stop this!!!!” I am beyond thrilled that I stuck with it. I won’t list all the obvious reasons you have already read about. I am going to stick with my post-pardon depression. Once we got the hang of it (2 months and no pain, but not good at it until 4 months), the dopamine, serotonin, endorphins and oxytocin kicked in. I was so dang relaxed…darn near buzzed every time I nursed him. Totally worth the shit to get to that point and it helped our bonding b/c I had and emergency c-section which was so traumatic. And, b/c I was PP depressed and hormonally INSANE, I refused drinking beer despite what my 100% Italian, German and Irish relatives told me b/c surely my son would be brain dead. Drink up, my dear! Heavy, dark beer. It helps with let-down, helps with relaxation. When son reached about 3 1/2 months, I decided to give it a try and never looked back. At 17 1/2, he just scored a 35/36 on the ACT, is an Eagle Scout, varsity letter in two sports/year, and has a great personality :-) etc. I nursed him 24 months and enjoyed lots of the god’s nectar during those two years. The beer may have helped him too! :-) One last experience I want to share. I never knew I had it in me to kill someone until they laid him in my arms. Unlike you, I knew I wanted children. Like you, every other kid annoyed the hell out of me. I always saw myself as a martyr…I would just let someone kill or hurt me and all is fine in the end. WHOA! I knew once I saw his face (and it wasn’t pretty…picture Yoda), that I would not hesitate to kill someone who tried to take him or hurt him (obviously, I don’t mean the other 3 yr. old on the playground). Just be prepared to feel ca-razy and out of control. Sounds like you have a great family, husband and system set up! Give yourself breaks and enjoy…and take more time off than you now think you can. Because, contrary to what you hear, you cannot have it all in the first month after delivery!
You’ve totally got this. The contraction apps are so worth it and it is kind of cool to have them saved for later. And epidurals are awesome (just be prepared for shakes and chills). You are going to be the best mom!
It is more challenging than you can believe now, but you can do everything. Epidural is the best thing in that moment. The anxiety/depression can be worst, believe me. Good luck.
Good that you have written down all your anxieties. Now put them in the garbage tote. You will be a very attentive parent, which is a lot more than can be said about so many parents in this country. Don’t have too many expectations going into the hospital /birthing experience. Don’t try to over control it either. Lose the smartphone/apps while in the midst of the birthing experience. It’s ok to turn that stuff off for a bit. The docs/nurses can take care of the relevant tech. Finally, let that boy free range a bit when he starts to go mobile. Find him places to roam. Find him social environments where he is not coddled. Find him opportunities to get dirty and away from this screen-heavy world!
Oh, Erin you are so not alone! I often joke that I HAD to be induced with my first at 42 weeks because I was too nervous to let him out on my own. I was really nervous and as a parent I still am about a lot of different things. However, I can say for sure that instincts kick in. Have people you can turn to when you feel unsure.
I’ve given birth naturally and unmedicated 3 times now, but every time I look at my pregnant belly I really cannot fathom how “that goes through there.” Somehow it does and somehow you come through it and things go back to where they used to be…for the most part! Recovery is not fun in any way – use the witch hazel, get used to those diaper size pads, take your stool softener and be patient.
Oh, the baby industrial complex – you don’t need all of the stuff they say you do. You will leave the house again…or make your spouse leave the house. After three babies I’ve learned that if I have a way to feed, clothe and keep the baby clean and dry it will survive…and so will I! You will figure out your favorites as you go along.
On breastfeeding – it is hard and don’t feel like you are failing if you don’t get it right away. Both you and the baby are learning. With my first I gave myself a period of time to give it a good solid go without considering switching (6wks I think). Working with a lactation consultant really helped. In the first couple of weeks I honestly couldn’t imagine nursing beyond 6wks or without my set up of the perfect chair, bobby pillow, etc, let alone away from home. When 6 weeks rolled around we were still figuring things out (i.e. nursing in public with a cover), but we had gotten through the hardest part. Even if I had stopped at 6 weeks for me that time would have felt like time well spent trying to make it work.
My second nursed like a champ out of the gate – to the point I feared he would never wean. He did. My third seemed to get the nursing thing right away, but after 2 days I was in the worst pain. Like I would rather give birth unmedicated than nurse him kind of pain. I was brushed off by one doc as an emotional, postpartum wreck. I kept pushing. Turns out he had a tongue and lip tie. He was treated for both and nursed for over a year…my point being YOU know your child, YOU know yourself and YOU will make the right decisions for your family. Don’t be afraid to push if you know something is off.
Lastly, you will be a wonderful parent and that little baby boy will be so very loved!
Oh, and the breastfeeding was challenging at times but that is what nurses are for……can’t remember the correct name, but my hospital had a department of nurses that specialized in breastfeeding. I called them all the time asking advice, help. They even came to help me. If a baby is latching correctly it isn’t painful.
I got anxious just reading this. Remember – people do this every day. Every. Day. You can, too! I had some of those same worries with my first, especially the labor. Everybody tells you horror stories about the pain. I had an epidural. It wasn’t as scary as I thought. In fact, I was like “that was it?” The recovery was worse in my opinion.
I’m so excited for you. My baby just turned one and it is the happiest (most exhausting) time of my life. I know you will be a wonderful mom. The only piece of advice (if you want it !) is that I’ve learned to just let go of control. Everytime I plan something it doesn’t go the way I wanted it to! Parenthood has really taught me so much about just embracing things and enjoying the ride ! Good luck xxx I can’t believe the little G will be here in 2 weeks. I’ve followed your pregnancy and blog and just loved being part of your journey.
I have two boys, 6 and 4 yrs old. I clearly remember all those feelings, more with the first. Being a parent isnt easy and there is no handbook. One size does not fit all. You just get through each day, doing the best you can…sometimes not. There have been days where I totally could have been a better mom, but hey they could ha been better kids too. Ha! Breast feeding will be hard. It hurts like a mutha fu€#@ for about a month(hello nipple guard and nipple cream), but worth it to me. However, it might not work out, and that’s ok too. It does not make you a bad parent. Kids, like all of us, want to be loved. Plain and simple. You’ve got this, Erin.
No offense, but when people come to visit, they REALLY only want to see the baby. Let Andrew host the visitors while you nap or shower. Also, accept ALL help that is offered. People genuinely do want to come and hold your baby for you while you get some rest. It’s not stressful/annoying/exhausting to deal with a crying baby for those of us with older kids who miss that stage (and who are getting a full night’s sleep that night)!
Labor comes try to relax, push means bowel movement push, breast feeding will help with everything including getting all your body parts back, even if you are challenged do it. Get lots of food in. Have the name decided upon when entering hospital. Good luck.
I was surprised at the CRAZY mood swings the first couple weeks after. Like, CRAZY. I’d try to remember that the hormonal shifts after pregnancy/birth/breast-feeding are huge and I’d just ride them out. And then I’d cry :)
Because I was breastfeeding I did all the night feedings and while it was exhausting, making sure that the only thing you have to do is feed and sleep helps. Also, I set up my rocking chair area with a table and book light and would read during the feedings. Finished the last Harry Potter in 6 days. Looking back, those quiet nights are such special memories- just the two of us.
The worrying thoughts are your instincts kicking up for the babe! I was never very maternal or into children. I feared I wouldn’t be that into her, but I was and am (even when’s she’s uber annoying).
Everyone has advice and what I’ve learned is that everyone carves out their own unique experience, and it’s beautiful and pukey all at once. Few thoughts on your list.
Labor – It’s hard but it’s over pretty quickly and you can handle it. Biology takes the wheel and you get sh** done (who run the world?). As a culture we scare women unnecessarily. You’ve met success with almost everything you set your mind to in life, this will be another on the list.
Preparedness – As someone with anxiety, the first few months after having my daughter were lovely (not without challenges), but it was liberating to focus on ONE thing. You’ll be able to read about sleeping, pooping, eating, breast feeding, then, because it will be your only job to keep him alive and babies (tend to) sleep a lot :)
B feeding – Ask for help, all the time. Lactation consultants are often covered by insurance, it can be difficult but there are so many resources. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but there is always help.
Stuff – In my experience, you can get by with very little.
Career – Again it is hard, but I full-heartedly believe you can do both well.
Lastly, ALL of the things I feared turned out to be pleasantly WAY better than I had imagined (espesh recovery). Good luck!
Erin you are going to rock this. Get yourself an app to time contractions. I also recommend total baby or something similar to time and keep track of feedings, sleeping and diapers in those early weeks because doctors always ask you about them (how many diapers a day etc.). I also recommend getting a small clip on breastfeeding light to use at night so you don’t have to use your phone flashlight. Amazon has one in the shape of the star that was genius for me. Otherwise keep that Amazon prime account – I did a ton of 3 am shopping for things I ended up needing. You are gonna rock this – what a lucky kid.
Hi Erin:
First of all, Baby Gates will be one supremely lucky infant right from the start, having you and Andrew for parents! My only bit of advice is to have NO expectations about how you think things will go (labor, delivery and otherwise)… life is full of curveballs, especially when children are involved. And once you’ve got Baby Gates and his habits all figured out, he’ll be sure to change them all up, just to keep you on your toes.
Oh, and I remember that the hospital had my husband bring home a blanket that smelled like my baby, before we arrived home with her, so the cats could get familiar with her scent. Not sure if it helped at all (they’re cats!) but maybe it works for dogs, too. HAVE FUN and celebrate this unpredictable journey! It’ll be amazing.
Jenn (Kate’s friend)
So I haven’t had a child yet, but am about to start trying to with my husband. I have never been an anxious person but when it comes to babies holy hell wheel in the cart of Xanax. This was the first time I literally read each and every person’s comments and they are so incredibly helpful. I’m going to save this post because months from now (God willing) when I’m having a meltdown I will definitely come back to these and read them for support and advice. Thank you for putting this post out there because even non-mothers who sort of want to be mothers soon but are terrified to be will one day need this post to bring them back to reality and realize they’re a normal woman.
On a side note – I was also a formula baby and your words about that really resonated with me. I hear women be judgmental quite a bit about breastfeeding versus formula and it always causes my anxiety to sky rocket. And then I think, wait a minute I was a formula baby and I’m fairly normal, successful and rarely sick so if breastfeeding isn’t in the cards for me, ce la vie.
You’re going to be a spectacular mom Erin, that I am sure of. Keep the faith and hang in there! And remember you have life sherpas all around ready and willing to give you advice, calm your nerves or help!
I’m in a similar boat–on my 3rd month of trying. Side note, maybe someone has told you it takes time, I had a sort of vague idea that might be true, but I didn’t really know that I should EXPECT it to take 3-6 months on average (for someone my age, 31) and that a doctor won’t want to see you to check things out unless you’ve been trying for a year. At least for me, I’ve spent almost half of my life trying NOT to get pregnant, once I tried the opposite I expected it to happen right away and every month I get my period I am super disappointed. I wished that it was more known that it’s expected to take a few months.
Here’s my real comment, if you’re a new mom or a hopeful mom-to-be, I’ve really enjoyed listening to The Longest Shortest Time podcast. Lots of good information about often undiscussed mother and baby topics. They did a whole episode about birth injuries, which at first I thought was maybe not a good idea for me to listen to, but by the end of the episode I was really glad I had. Now I know that if I do have trouble healing, there are resources, including pelvic floor physical therapists that can help. The founder of the movement and therapy is based right here in Cambridge (for those of us local in MA). I highly recommend checking out The Longest Shortest Time.
You worry for naught… you will adore him, and he won’t know if you aren’t doing something right. He will love you and the dad so much that your heart will swell. Teach by example, and don’t listen to people who say you are spoiling him. You can’t spoil an infant, and you can’t hold him too much, and you can’t anticipate all the changes, just take them in stride. He will feel it if you are nervous. Relax, relax, relax…. and enjoy the most wonderful time of your life.
Believe in yourself and believe in the process-
That is truly the best advice anyone can give you- it works for birthing and all things parenting centered.
From both the lense of being a therapist and a mother- I tend to lean toward the attachment type of approach- but I truly believe that close proximity to your baby- strengthens your bond and strengthens your ability to know what your baby needs and how to best take care of them. You’ll quickly see what “stuff” works best for you and your baby and when. Trust yourself to know these things, and learn these things- listen to your instincts- they are always there you just have to acknowledge them!!
My quick two cents on birthing and the aftermath:
Similarly- trust your body in this!! Your body is MEANT to do this- and if you accept that and embrace the process is goes faster and smoother!! The pain should be looked at purposeful pain- not pain we would normally associate with being injured. It’s your body working insanely hard to get that baby out and it’s intense- without a doubt- but it’s purposeful and temporary and TOTALLY something you can handle!!
A quick tip that my midwives used- pads with an herbal tincture FROZEN that you were after the birth. In the hospital they also have theses sticky backed pad/ice pack thingies- that stick to your underwear -they make a HUGE difference!!
Also- resting- like- in bed for at least 5 days with your baby will 1: help your nether regions to heal fast 2: help you to bond and get to know your little
Man:)
You will be awesome!! And you will figure it out- birthing- feeding- sleeping- nurturing!
Just had my first a few weeks ago…and my list of anxieties was almost identical! The great news is that in the first couple of weeks the baby just needs milk (or formula) and a ton of snuggles (the more contact the better!)…so you get a little grace period to figure everything else out. If you start getting anxious about whether you’re doing it “right”, just remember: there is only one Baby Gates and you are the expert on HIM!
I felt the way you do about children being an annoyance. And I had never changed a diaper either. Before I left the hospital, I had the nurses show me how to hold the baby and how to change her diaper. She and I both lived thru her childhood, and now she’s a successful and normal 33 year old woman. If I did it, you can do it, too! Having a child will be the best thing that ever happened to you!
Two takeaways/tidbits for you, Erin.
1.) The best piece of advice came to me from my pediatrician about 4 weeks in. I told him I read ALL the books about how to get my precious bundle on a sleep schedule. (Babywise proved awesome, BTW). To which he replied, “But your daughter hasn’t read all of those books.” Point taken. Your baby will do what your baby will do- which will be different from someone else’s baby will or won’t do. You’ll just figure it out together. And you will.
2.) How much will it hurt? Suffice to say even the best laid birth plans go right out the window. Mine did, and I missed my window for the good stuff. It’s not that bad, and believe me- once it’s over- you will think you could take on an army with that baby in your arms. And you will want to do it again. Crazy right?
Good luck, my prayers over you, Andrew and your baby. You will be a wonderful momma.
I’m right there with you on all of these things!! My little girl is due sometime in March and I’m nothing if not a Googling disaster. But I think one commenter really nailed it – the fact that you ARE worrying and thinking of all of this just shows how much you’re going to knock bringing baby into the world and caring for him afterwards. Good luck! You’re going to be fantastic!
I love so many of the above comments! I birthed 3 naturally all within 30 months. Your vag totally bounces back…BUT…take care of YOU in the beginning. Have Andrew do some skin to skin and you ice and do sitz baths. Seriously. The quicker you heal down there, the better mom you’ll be. I’m sure you’ve heard it, but steal those stupid mess panties from the hospital. They are horribly wonderful.
As for breast feeding, give it your best shot, but I love that you already have put in your head that you aren’t a failure if it doesn’t work. I did as much as I could with all 3, but just didn’t produce enough to sustain them. Once I finally gave in to supplementing, everyone was happy. I didn’t have starving babies, I could relax and and enjoy being a mom, plus having a husband get up and do the first feeding of the day….glorious!
I am a big proponent of sleep training, and have always had fantastic sleepers, but the best thing I can say is to practice the “pause.” Babies cry, stir, groan, grunt, etc. All of those noises used to have us running to our first. By our 2nd and 3rd we didn’t have that option to run at every noise and check on them, and they are/were such better babies. They are more relaxed, can self soothe, easier sleepers, etc. They are truly learning how to sleep. If we pause and listen before we go in to “rescue” often times they’ll just work it out. I’m not talking blood curdling screams..but if they are just being babies….let them be. 9 times out of 10, they are just learning how to re put themselves back to bed.
So excited for you guys!
I never much cared for children, still don’t but for some reason I wanted my own. I was nervous during my first pregnancy that I wouldn’t love my child. The very instant she was born I felt an overwhelming love unlike anything else I’ve ever felt and after 2 additional kids and 34 years later, I still have that feeling.
So here are some random thoughts in no particular order: 1. I also swear by Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, but I wouldn’t worry about sleep training at all for the first 8-12 weeks. 2. Breastfeeding was very hard for me, but it ultimately worked out and became one of my favorite experiences. Don’t be afraid to ask – again and again! – for help if you want it. 3. Kids annoy me, too, and I wasn’t sure I would be a natural, but I feel very differently about my own boys and child protective services hasn’t had to come once! 4. I have a pretty demanding career and I think the secret to balancing is realizing that you are never done balancing. Balance is an act you practice, not a state you achieve. Some days you’re off. The upside is that kids put work into perspective and work puts kids into perspective, and that perspective is a gift. 5. I was totally freaked out about giving birth, too, but I promise you will be so freaking proud of yourself (and in love with your baby) that you will relish even the gory details.
“Balance is an act you practice, not a state you achieve.”
I just wrote your line down on a post-it and stuck it to my computer. This is going to be my new mantra.
Oh, wow! Thanks, MM!
I read way too many books too but there is one I would absolutely recommend: Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Drykerman. Excellent tips on being a more relaxed parent and the part about French culture encouraging working moms was extremely helpful in alleviating my working mom guilt. good luck!
I agree! I read it the day I found out I was expecting and it calmed me right down.
Hear hear! This was the sanest baby book ever, and will totally help you be a non-helicopter mom who can do all her jobs without guilt (the evil force behind all this weird obsessive modern parenting).
Erin – all of your concerns are totally normal. Especially with your first child you just don’t know WHAT to expect (even after reading a billion books). Here’s my 2 cents on a couple things. Child birth, while not a walk in the park, really isn’t that bad, atleast not with an epidural. Labor, and the recovery following, was my biggest anxiety leading up to my son’s arrival. And honestly, it was actually a really cool experience. I actually get choked up telling people about my delivery b/c it’s that special to me. Obviously unlike anything I’ve experienced. It’s crazy emotional, and you kinda feel like a rockstar after b/c holy hell you brought a life into the world!
My biggest piece of advice to you is to try and take care of yourself in the weeks after the delivery. It’s challenging b/c you have this new life to care for, but you need to recover yourself. Don’t overdo physical activity (I did and boy my body hate me for a few days…). Ask for help, even little things. You’ll be amazed at how much others want to help.
Congrats Erin! You are in for the ride of your life :-)
I had all of the same fears and concerns, and then over time they all melted away. I would google every question I had and found the Baby 411 books to be extremely helpful (they read like a manual). But as time went on and my daughter started sitting up, eating real food, talking, I found that the googling became less and less. I had never changed a diaper and now I can do it while my daughter is standing up and fighting me (she is 20 months now). It feels like wrestling a wild animal and I want to play the Rocky song every time I manage to get it on. You will be a great mom because you are already thinking ahead. All your baby wants is to be loved and spend time with you. So remember to keep it simple and just breathe. This will be the longest shortest time and I know you will enjoy every moment of it!
Okay, here it is. Your vag will totally bounce back. No worries there. Your son will definitely pee on his own face at some point and look totally indignant about it. It’s awesome. Erin, you got this girl, you will adjust and adapt, both naturally and out of necessity. The mess I was in the first weeks after having June scared two different couples off having kids for a good 5 years. So even if things aren’t perfect, you’re not alone.
Yes, Also this. Take the help when its offered!
Spot on! I worried about all the same…the dog, omg my little dog is going to hate me!
Best advice I could give skin-to-skin. I wish i took the time to just let my little one lie on me for longer when he first came out but I get almost obligated to have my parents/in laws in too soon since they waited not so patiently. Seriously, I swear skin to skin made his a calmer, amazing sleeper(10-12 hours at 3 months and counting) and made breastfeeding successful (does not mean easy!). Do it as often as you like. I would even tell the nurses you before you want a full hr of skin to skin…if you want of course!
Erin – Congrats to you and Andrew! This is an amazing time. Savor your last few days of the baby inside you, and make sure you take care of YOURSELF after the birth. I had a nine pound baby, so one of the things that helped me was sitting in the tub a couple of times a day to help the healing process. Also, I desperately wanted to breastfeed, but just couldn’t do it with my first child, and didn’t even try with my second. You may get a lot of pressure in the hospital to breastfeed. Just do what is best for you. You will know.
So normal to anxious about all of this but you will do great and sounds like you have a lot of support.
One of my biggest worries was about circumcision, will it hurt, is it necessary, should he look like his Dad, is it just socially acceptable male mutilation? Is it better for long term health? I drove myself and my husband crazy. PS please don’t ever Google the procedure.
I was in your same place once a long time ago – not really interested in babies as a rule, but it is so different when they are your own. And it is immediate, like nothing you have ever experienced. Trust yourself, trust your mom, trust your husband. all the rest will resolve itself.
I had two children naturally. And I won’t lie, it’s not like getting a spa treatment. But keep in mind that women have been birthing babies for thousands – THOUSANDS- of years. I know you can do it too. You have a wonderful support system with Andrew and your family. And while your worries are completely normal, they will subside once he is born and you count ten fingers and toes. Then you’ll feel a love for a human being that you’ve never imagined possible.
Being a first-time mom is nerve wracking! A couple of things I’ve learned as a mom of three –
– Despite what baby retailers lead you to believe, you don’t need that much stuff, especially with a newborn.
– Breastfeeding is hard, but give it some time if you get frustrated and feel like throwing in the towel. One of my friends (who breastfed five kids) told me that you’re BOTH learning how to do this, and it takes time to get the hang of it. Work with a lactation consultant while you’re in the hospital, to make sure you’re getting a good latch, and have her help you – great resource there!
– Recovery is icky, no doubt about it. Big tip here – take your stool softeners – your first postpartum poo can require lamaze breathing, and the stool softeners help! TMI, but it needs to be said.
– Baby care isn’t that bad – since you’re basically doing the same thing over and over. You’ll get the hang of it quickly.
– And you will love this baby in ways that you never thought possible. Enjoy every bit of it – first babies are so special. :-)
Yup. All of this. Give breastfeeding at least 2 weeks to stop hurting. Really hang in there even when you want to throw in the towel. You will love it after getting the hang of it.
I will say the first is a helluva adjustment. Its scary and overwhelming. And don’t beat yourself up if you’re not IN LOVE with your baby immediately. Based on what experienced Moms had told me, I had assumed it would be a bolt of lightening like moment in the delivery room the first time I saw my first baby. It was not that. It took weeks for me to bond and really love my first kid. So, go easy on yourself. Its intense. That said, once my second came along I totally felt the bolt – mostly because I understood what it was all about and was more confident as a Mom.
All that said, OMFG, you are so normal. I’m an overthinker/worrier like you and I was so zen with both my pregnancies. Having two boys 7 and 3 have taught me to relax, take it as it comes and only worry about the crap I can control – which isn’t much. Kids will mellow you in ways over time you cannot expect. Each experience is different, obviously, but I think you’ll find you’ll blossom in parenthood.
You basically wrote everything I was going to. The breastfeeding, the lactation consultant, the too much baby gear, the poop, the stool softeners – just goes to show all moms are really in this together!! And obviously you have a good name :)
Yep, while this list is comical, it’s definitely all normal. Everything sorts itself out. Once he’s here, you’ll wonder what you ever did without him. Like Kathysue said, your concerns just show that you’re going to be a great mom!
Just stock up on those huge maxi pads now. Your friend’s description is 100 percent accurate!
You will be FINE! And if you’re not, you will know that you need to get some help and more resources. I have two daughters, 9 and almost 4, and in retrospect, even though newborns are exhausting physically, it’s not as bad as it seems at the time.
the best piece of advice we EVER got was: It’s a phase. It’s ALL a phase. The good, the bad, the ugly. It will all pass.
(and, don’t read babywise – it’s wrong, so wrong, from a psychological perspective. The best sleep book out there is Weissbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Kind of disorganized, but SO GOOD. I swore by it when my kids were younger)
Health sleep habits happy baby is amazing! If anything else it teaches you the science of sleep–and then you do what is right for your family!
Please don’t comment on what books are “wrong” or “right” – that just contributes to the struggles and guilt and mommy wars. Keep your opinions like that to yourself. There are books I’ve read and found “wrong” and I shut my mouth and support all of my (working or stay at home) mom friends because they are making decisions just like I am – based upon what is best for me, my child and my family.
All totally normal worries!!!! My opinion is try not to worry about the things you CAN’T control (easier said than done, I know). For example, you cannot control when you go into labor but you can have a bag with an extra pair of yoga pants and undies in the car in case your water breaks while you’re out and about. You can’t control the sleeping thing, at least not for a while, but you can take people up on their genuine offers to watch the baby so that you can get a nap here and there. Read less baby books right now, there’s plenty of time for that later.
Erin, you are already showing you will be a good Mom by even having these thoughts, which by the way are all normal. The baby will need YOU, a diaper, a blanket and a place to sleep when he first arrives, all the other stuff is just to try and make it easier for YOU, not him. He just needs YOU and he already has that, so YOU are good to go. You will also know when it is time to go to the hospital, trust me on that one and once there you will be in good hands with the nurses, your Dr. and most of all with Andrew. I am so happy and excited for you both. You are about to enter the most amazing journey of your life. Good wishes to you both,
Kathysue
+1
That all seems completely normal to me. Not sure if that helps you feel any better, though ;)
have andrew download the app fullterm…has a timer for contractions and keeps track of them all so you don’t have to write them down! good luck!