33.

(#1 on my list still… a monkey)

Well, today I turn 33.

It sounds so much older than 32 for some reason.  Maybe it’s because I thought I’d be in a different place by this age. Pointedly, a mother. As I’ve written here before, the decision to go down that path has been one I’ve struggled with.  Some tell me to hurry up, while some tell me not to worry, I’m still young.  One person will tell me I’m missing out on a great experience, while after a cocktail or two another will plead to me to wait as long as I can, or not to do it at all. The advice that it thrown around concerning this subject is plentiful and powerful, and to someone like me it resonates and confuses to the point that it blocks out my own thoughts about the matter.

And to be honest, we have started down the path in an attempt to become parents. And it hasn’t happened for us.  And it’s both frustrating and not bothersome to me. Yet. With major renovations to our new home starting in 3 weeks, moving and more business than I know what to do with my stress level is through the roof. Which I’m sure is contributing to the lack of baby in my belly right now, because we are both perfectly healthy.  Something in me feels like when the time is right, it’ll happen. The universe somehow knows I am just way too overwhelmed to handle a pregnancy right now. I need to get into my house. I need to get some of it done first. I need to get some business straightened out. I need to get myself in a healthier place. I need to breathe for a bit before that can happen.  Doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying, but I’m trusting in the greater powers out there to determine when it’s time.  Doesn’t mean I don’t feel left out when every single post on my Facebook feed features a friend’s child, baby, second baby or swollen belly. Some days it kills me, and I feel like I’m so behind.  And others I thank goodness that I only have to deal with myself. The emotional swings regarding this matter are epically wide and dramatic.

So for now, as I turn 33 , it’s just me. And Andrew. And Bax and Ollie. And that’s okay. We have a silly, happy, busy little family and eventually it will grow.  Just not right this second. So this year I can celebrate my birthday with that extra glass of wine and perhaps next year, with any luck, it’ll be with a bottle of another kind.

117 comments

  1. Happy Birthday Erin!!! I turn 30 on Friday, and wow, I so can relate to this post. You are amazing, and I wish we could have that glass of wine together and gab about all of these things – balancing a career, moving (we have our current house on the market), and also trying to decide on when to expand our families! Such an exciting but chaotic time!! So many things to be thankful for. :)

  2. Happy Belated! Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m about to turn 35 and THAT sounds way older than 33 or 34! What a really candid post, and I applaud you for it. I also believe that things happen at the right time and moment in life for a reason….keep chugging along: )

  3. Happy Belated! I just want to echo that there is really never a good time because of how all encompassing it is to have a child. (pregnancy is not always so hard) And, its never too early to read Taking Charge of your Fertility. Its not the ticket for everyone and maybe you don’t want it right now but it works for a lot of people. Some weeks are better than others and its good to know! Best Wishes.

  4. oh how familiar this sounds. “if i’m not pregnant by my 29th birthday i’ll be behind,” turns into… “if i’m not pregnant by my 30th birthday then i’ll lose my mind,” turns into…”infertile at 31. bring on the champagne!,” leads to “maybe 32 is the year?”

    my husband and i are college sweethearts. We waited until we were “ready.” We were 29 and 31 and perfectly healthy with no known “problems” when we started trying. We had the good jobs, a nice home, supportive family, savings and 401k, but apparently none of this matters. It’s all in the Lord’s timing. 2 years later and 1 miscarriage, 3 IUI’s and 4 rounds of IVF later and we’re still not pregnant. It honestly drives me crazy when people say “you just need to relax and it will happen.” newsflash: trying to purposely relax for a type-a personality is impossible and just puts more pressure on the situation. There is SO much more to it. p.s. my job has been my saving grace through all the pain and sadness. it’s been an awesome outlet for me to focus on while everything else in my life is beyond my control.

    my recommendation is get to a specialist asap. They are A-mazing!!! My doctor is absolutely incredible and a life-saver. Of all my friends who have had challenges (there’s a sisterhood of us out there), one of their only regrets is that they wish they would have started at a fertility center earlier. Suddenly the pressure if taken off you and put on the doctors when you get them involved.

    Best of luck. here’s to lucky number 34! it WILL happen.
    kristin

  5. Erin,
    I’ve been a follower of your blog for a while and have never posted a comment but felt compelled to after reading this. Your post brought tears so my eyes as I can relate oh so well. My 31st birthday is in less than a week and the baby dilemna is something I struggle with daily. My husband and I have also been on the “trying” path for almost a year but nothing so far. Part of me is releived as I have an amazing career, fantastic house and we have been able to travel and do the things we want. On the other hand I also feel that small pang when I see baby pics on facebook. It’s hard but I trust in the universe and believe that things will happen when my mind and body are truly ready for it.

    Your blog is my first stop in the mornings. There are so many things I relate to(I think its a Leo thing:)) and I so love and appreciate your honesty and willingness to put it all out there. Hope you have a fabulous birthday and know there are many of us who feel the same way!

  6. Got married @ 34. Didn’t think about kids (seriously) till 37. Pregnant at 38 & delivered #1 one week after my 39th b-day. Less than 14 months later & too busy with life, got pregnant w/#2, delivered 2 months before my 40th b-day. So 2 kids in 22 months. Stress isn’t usually helpful towards baby making. Having a perfect, renovated house immediately is stressful. Live in the less than perfect. It’s ok – really.

  7. Hi Erin
    I’m also a follower of yours but very rarely comment but today, you touched a nerve. It’s great to hear your story and is just amazing how much I can relate. Almost exactly the same story – except I turned 36 this year. Some days that still feels young… others, not so much.
    Sooo hard to do but I truly am trying to let go and just trust that whatever happens will be the right thing.
    Thanks for being so honest and eloquent and for sharing your life. I also write a blog but must say I find it hard to be as “real” as you…. I tend to keep to the warm and fuzzy stuff. What you do is brave and also very inspiring. Thankyou x

  8. Happy Birthday! Who knows which is the “right way”. I am the queen of second-guessing and obsessing, so I understand. Cheers to your life, the way it is at this moment. Tomorrow is another day!!!!

  9. Happy Belated Birthday, Erin!! I normally don’t leave comments on blogs, but this post struck a chord deep inside of me. Thank you for opening up and sharing something so personal with all of us. I totally understand how you are feeling…as I’m feeling exactly like this. To up the ante, I’m turning 35 next month. Yes, 35, that “magical” age. I, too, experience emotional swings with each pregnancy/birth-related phone call or Facebook post. It’s frustrating, but like you, I know that time will come for me (and you), when it’s supposed to be. Until then (and this is of course easier said than done…yeah), enjoy your awesome life, career, and new home. It will come!!!

    PS.- I still want a monkey too…

  10. Hi Erin –I just recently started reading your blog and love your “voice”—from a design perspective it’s very real but more importantly, your post on your birthday was very poignant and struck a nerve… I too struggled to get pregnant with my first “back in the day”—I’mt 51 now with 3 almost fully grown men to claim as mine –life has a crazy way of working itself out–keep the faith.

  11. Happy Belated Birthday, Erin.
    As a regular reader (every night!)of your blog…and a future neighbor
    (I also live in Newton Center) I commend you for your honesty.
    I too struggled with getting pregnant and am now the proud mother of 4 year old twins. It will work out for you. It really will. Hang in there!
    Hope you had a great birthday.

  12. Happy (belated) Birthday! You’ll get your baby, but until then it sounds like you have the right attitude. Enjoy your wine and busy schedule :) I got pregnant superfast and I consider it a huge blessing, but I would say that has not been the case for the overwhelming majority of my friends. Most of them have tried for a year and a few have needed some extra help, but I have no doubt they will all have their babies one way or another. It’s an odd thing to spend so much time trying not to get pregnant and then finally make that huge decision to go for it only to have to wait. But it will happen for you, and when it does I have a feeling you’ll be a fantastic mama!

  13. Hey Erin,
    I am just catching up on this weeks blog entries. I had a crazy week too…as well as a birthday, on Aug. 7th. Happy Birthday! Hope you are dragging out the celebration as I like to.
    Love your Blog and your wit! Good luck and enjoy all your endeavors ahead. I am excited for you, Andrew and your father to work on your new home together. These are memories that you will cherish. As for children, that is for you and Andrew to decide if it is right for you both.
    As a fellow leo and designer, it is hard to scrutinize everything and expect perfection and having a home with children is not perfect. It has helped me to be less selfish and less of a control freak (still working on that). As you well know what you see in magazines is not reality. Enjoy the ride…I will look forward to reading about your journey. M~

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