Today is an edition of “Deep Thoughts by Erin”- with a smidge of design on the side:
I was out shopping for baby gifts last weekend (as many, many have graced the Gates family in the last 2 months). I was perusing Lester Harry’s, a very lovely but VERY pricey baby boutique (cue Andrew yelling from across the store “This baby shirt is $95 bucks!!!What the f*ck??) when I saw it. The Serena and Lily embroidered baby sling that makes my tummy do flip flops of joy. I have coveted it before online, but had not seen it in person yet. I picked it up and inspected the lovely detailing and then actually, to my horror, held it up to myself. “Trying it on”, if you will. I looked at Andrew and said “I think I might buy it”– he assumed I meant as a gift for one of the baby momma’s, but no, I meant for a very un-pregnant me.
My reasoning being that what if they don’t make this particularly fabulous sling when I am actually pregnant? How upset would I be knowing that it existed and I hadn’t bought it? I was trying to avoid future buyers remorse, but is it creepy (and bad luck) to buy a baby item when you don’t, in fact, have a baby…or even know when you might want to have one? Looking at that sling brought up lot of questions for me: am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Do I even really want a baby or do I just want this stupid sling (which could be refashioned for carrying one of my dogs I suppose- granted they’d have to be heavily drugged to allow this)?
I think a lot of women my age face these questions with their 30th birthdays looming on the calendar. And it’s especially present in my life when I spend a lot of time oogling adorable baby things for the blog, designing nurseries, working mostly with hip, young moms (and having friends who all are becoming hip, young moms too). I see posts like Erika’s about her “bring you to tears it’s so gorgeous” nursery she’s designed (blew the one I designed outta the water) for her little one on the way and start craving to design my own. Look at this space- Oscar de la Renta fabric, drapes with coral and white stripes on the bias for trim, antique chandelier and a GOLD crib? This kid is going to have the most impeccable taste if this is how she starts her life!
Erika’s sister Darby is like SuperMom meets Martha Stewart and her blog is something I love to read- with all their crafts and sticky fingers and cute adventures (and if my kids are even half as cute as hers I will be thankful) and yet she still has time to creatively redo her bathroom (love this before and after) and make her own baby clothes and accessories and then blog tutorials about them! If she can do it all, can’t I? (Booming voice in my hed: NO!)
I’ve mysteriously also gotten hooked on the mega-mommy blog Dooce (for it’s hysterically honest writing) and even oogled her nursery in which she used the awesome Julia Rothman wallpaper I posted about months ago! All of the sudden I am hit with more pangs of “buy that for the fictitious nursery- just in case!”
In conclusion, I did not buy the sling. I think I have some time…
But what do you think? How did you know you wanted your life to change in this major way? And can you ever be 100% ready for it? And how annoying is this post?
Thanks for listening. :)
Just wanted to add my 2 cents. Read your blog religiously – you are so talented!!! Timing is everything!! and I am not just talking about OUR timing.. I swoon and cry at the mention of baby and just has not happened yet. My advice, if you both you and your hubby want a baby, don't wait too long!!Get busy trying, b/c No doubt you WILL be a SUPERMOM decorator!!!!
i knew i wanted kids but i wasn't ready as soon as my husband was…he won though and i was fine w/ it. i loved our life pre-baby but adding a child into has been a great, great thing! i still feel like sometimes i struggle w/ being able to be "me" and not just a "mom"…however just as long as i never buy a minivan, i feel fine about it :)
Here is my 2 cents on this subject. I think most people, especially you, can find plenty of reasons why now is not the right time. There will always be a if we just make a little more money, have a little bigger house, get my business a little farther down the road, travel a little bit more, etc. That will always be there. You would be a boring person if you were totally ready for kids…it is a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice, and a drain on your personal life.
However, it is not the end of your personal life. You don’t become old all of a sudden. You don’t lose the will or ability to travel, go out, or generally live. Yes, it may take a little more work to do those things, but they don’t go away. The scariest part for you is money. This is a tough time for anyone when it comes to money. What you have to ask yourself is, am I willing to make some small sacrifices (not get those new shoes, new rug, or new TV) in order to have kids. Part of the decision is am I ready to not be self centered? To have something else in my life take precedence (again not all the time, just most).
Compounding your frustration is whether or not kids will bring you the joy it does everyone else (or as much joy as our 2 dogs). The simple answer is yes. So much more than you realize. Take Susanna for example…talk about someone who was not ready for kids…or at least it appeared so…but I have never seen her happier.
So my 2 cents is for us to wait…a little longer…but maybe putting a timeframe on trying is a good idea…say in the next 9-12 months? You are going to be a fabulous mother and I can’t wait to see our children.
In the meantime…practice makes perfect. ;)
Love Your Husband
I do love that sling :) And, you're not at all alone in your questions – I'll soon be 34 & those same thoughts go through my head at times.
Tubes! I TOO became obsessed with the sling and bought it in green before Madeline was born (thought darker = less stains!) it is spectacular in real life, and I feel like for the cost i should wear it more; so i do to do laundry, cook, get coffee, etc, but in reality is not as comfy as the bijorn… so my advice, don't spend the $$ you can borrow mine when you decide you want to have babies and wear them stylishy around town… i even planned a rehersal dinner around the sling, because i wanted it to match…. crazy, yes!
also – i never think you are totally READY, but you think you are, and you get pregnant – you get nervous during pregnancy and then you meet your amazing baby and you have never been more ready in your life.
have fun with it – don't stress – and have fun in Paris.
xo-Becky
Everyone feels exactly the same way you do. You will never be 100% ready, you'll never have done everything you wanted to do, saved enough money, or have gotten everything in your life arranged exactly the way you want it, etc. But the "never being exactly ready" part is what makes it all so amazingly perfect when you do it. If you're like me, once you do it you'll realize that being a mother is just what you needed to finally feel complete. Best of luck with whatever you decide!
Your blog post so reminds me of my friend who wrote the exact same thing (almost verbatim!) a couples years ago. Of course she ended up getting PG right away and has a lovely boy named Sebastian. She had just turned 30, was doing well in her career and now her little boy is her world, and she loves it that way.
I don't know, it's one of those things in life that you cannot comprehend until you experience it yourself. No matter what people will tell you, your experience will be your own so there is no planning, especially emotionally for such a thing. Let the idea sink in, visit baby shops and talk to mothers and just do what you feel most comfortable with.
You will never really be 100% ready to have a baby. There will always be new professional goals, more places you want to see, more things you want to do (it's human nature). The best advice I can give (as a mother of two) is follow your heart. When the pangs of motherhood start to tear at the heart strings you'll know it's time. Stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart and I am sure you'll find your answer.
By the way – motherhood is truly a gift and totally fabulous (most of the time) ;-) Good Luck!!
I have been tempted to buy that exact same sling for whenever I get pregnant too. Then I think it's weird since I am not pregnant and I'm nervous I will jinx myself if I buy anything baby related! If I ever have a girl her nursery is already planned out and decorated (in my mind at least!) My biological clock has been ticking for a few years now but we are never "ready" to make the leap. loved reading your post … makes me remember I'm not the only one thinking these things!
I wanted to tell you that parenthood is the hardest but most rewarding job you can ever have! I too struggled with the whole baby thing, but one day I decided I can't put this off anymore and went for it! It took us 10 months to get pregnant and now I have a beautiful, temper throwing 20 month old girl. Some days are good and some not so good, but I would never change it!
I had to come to terms with the fact that my wants and needs would have to sit on the back burner temporarily. I still have my design business I run from home and so far so good. Nap time = run the business time. You'll be amazed what you can do in those 3 hours!
I know you've been following NieNie's story. What an example she's been to me. It makes me want to enjoy everyday with my daughter and never take a moment for granted! Stephanie (NieNie) grew up down the street from me. Her sister Courtney (cjane) is one of my best friends. It's been hard watching what has happened, but I think she has been able to touch peoples lives in ways they never imagined.
When the time is right you will know.
P.S. I was a labor and delivery nurse for three years and there is definitely such a thing as a biological clock. No pressure though! ;)
Okay, I am 32, live in the "burbs" and feeling the same way….the clock is ticking, but I am terrified! I can't wait to see the advice! Love your blog!
We all bought issues of Martha Stewart Weddings at $6 a pop long before we were engaged (for some of us before we were in relationships!) How is wanting the sling any different? I think it just speaks to a love of good design.
Serena & Lilly have a beautiful new book out if you want to feed your nursery/design addiction a little further.
I was obsessed with baby stuff too!! If you love fashion, etc. it is hard not to get caught up, but in the end it is not about the cute clothes, its about being ready to be a mother and embrassing it!
Take your time, but not too long- for someone who does not get pregnant easily.
I too went to Paris for my 30th b'day and enjoy because I have not been too Europe since my little man was born 3 1/2 year ago.
Love the blog btw, I am a friend of Julie R.:)
Erin, You sound like me. Before Morgan was conceived I had a closet full of baby goods. I couldn't resist. I always justified it by saying, "One day I'll use this stuff"! Thanks for your kind words! You are too much… have a baby… a lot of them. They're great!
For whatever it's worth, there is a reason it takes 9 months to have a baby. Not only does it take that long for the baby to develop, but there are things that happen along the way to prepare you, the mother, for the impending changes in your life. You get up to pee a gizillion times a night not only because you have this being weighing on your bladder, but also to prepare you for getting up in the night AFTER the baby is born. There is also a really good reason babies look like their parents- so you don't leave them on the side of the road when they have had the most disgusting case of diaherra, vomited, and are crying this god-awful cry that makes you just want to dig a hole in the backyard and live there for the rest of your life (read that stated with love ). The highs make it all completely worth while. There is NOTHING like hearing your child say your name for the first time, the giggle of your kiddo, or your own eyes looking up at you to make sure that you're still there, then that huge, beautiful smile of recognition. Heartbreaking! You and your child learn as you go, so don't sweat it if you're not completely ready- are any of us?
I am a HUGE fan of starting a baby box before you are even pregnant. I have about 20 small items that I couldn't live without when I had my own kids (collected over about 3 years). I love to pull it out every once and a while and I am so glad that I purchased every item. Most are gender neutral items. We also have a crib and changing table in storage because I couldn't pass up getting my god daughter's super posh baby items.
I was so touched when I saw that your husband wrote in. Anyone who is willing to put that out there in response to his wife's blog is definitely going to be a wonderful father. It certainly touched my heart, as I imagine it did yours.
There is a funniest book on this subject "Babyhood" by Paul Raiser. It is hysterical, but with a very true, warm and precious insight. Check it out!
I'm 5 months pregnant with our first baby. I'm 28 (well, almost 29 by the time baby comes). Our baby was a wonderful surprise that we, initially, weren't sure if we were ready for. But I think that's part of the challenge and the fun. Most of what has happened in my life so far hasn't been planned, but I can't imagine where I'd be without those things happening and the lessons learned through those experiences. People keep saying "once you have the baby you won't remember your life before him or her". I'm sure that's true, too. I don't think a baby means the end of your life as you know it – you can still be a sucessful business woman AND you can still travel (I hate that people feel their travel days are over once baby arrives. It's not over, it just changes a little). My parents always traveled with me and my 3 siblings and we all survived and have fantastic memories because of it.
I guess what I'm saying is that I think very few people are ever 100% ready to have a baby. But I do think that once you feel those little feet kicking your belly you'll feel like you can't imagine life without him or her already.
And I'm glad you didn't get the sling. I think I'm a little too superstitious for that! ;)
I know exactly how you feel. I have been in so many stores recently buying gifts for lots of friends and families for their new babies and knowing that it is almost time for me to have one makes it so hard to want to wait to design my nursery and buy the cute stuff for me. I've refrained from purchasing cute things at stores so far but it is getting harder and harder as I now am suspecting that I may be. I am trying to remind myself that there will be plenty of time if I am and even if I will be later. As for whether it or not it is bad luck to buy the stuff, maybe but I don't typically worry about those things. Things work out the way they should whether you bought a diaper bag first or second. Which I may have done…and it isn't a real diaper bag, but I am going to use it for that…Whew, justification always means it was something you shouldn't have done or something you shouldn't have told anyone about yet.
I love what Erika did so far with her nursery…the fabrics she picked are genius. Then again, that pink rocker you originally picked out for her was gorgeous, as well, and inspired my own nursery, so I think you both pretty much rock my world;)
Loved your article, but I gotta tell you that this sling is awful for actually carrying a baby. See how the shoulder strap is near the mom's neck, this is extremely painful. You want the baby's weight to be on the bones near the outside of the shoulder. Weight on the muscle or on the neck will cause pain.
Also… the ideal position for carrying a baby is upright against the mother's chest, you can't do this with this particular sling (with others you can).
When a baby is laying down in a "bag" sling such as this you must be particularly careful that their airway is protected, if they curl up into a ball with their chin pressed into the chest it can cause breathing problems, even suffocation.
This sling *may* work for a couple of weeks, but a good sling should work as long as you want to carry your baby (up to 2-3 years).
It *is* beautiful though
Hi Erin…I understand your concern, but I can assure you that it can work, especially with your supportive husband AND willing mother. I have a set of 2-year old twins and a 10 month old and I own a decorating business. It's not easy by a long shot, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so glad that I had them when I did…kids take a lot of energy…so in my opinion, the sooner the better. best wishes!
You know you're ready when you start buying baby things! There's never going to be enough time, enough money, no "right time." So, buy the sling and start trying. You'll be so happy you did. (Have a back up plan for that sling in case your baby hates it – you can always make it into a little pillow).
I don't have time to read all of the comments, but I have that sling, in green, and it is gorgeous, but it is not comfortable at all. It is not adjustable, and it hurts if you wear it for longer than an hour or so. I would recommend the baby bjorn or another carrier that distributes the weight evenly throughout your back and shoulders. My baby is now 4 months old and I haven't used it in a while.
It appears to me that your "nesting' has begun…If you then get a dog…your pretty much there. Hysterical post & always good to visit! Oh gosh, i just remembered that you tweeted about the long overdue return of Flipping Out. I must find out when. Have a good weekend. Lisa
Don't beat yourself up. What you are going through is no different than single gals dreaming about their wedding. Let's face it, you love well designed stuff, and there is stuff aplenty in babydom.
Your question of "how do you know?" is a tough one. There are practical considerations, like doing a gut check on your partner and asking "is he ready, are WE ready?". The upheaval in your life, your relationships, your career is massive. Priorities will be reshuffled, relationships will suffer, of this you can be sure. Basically, will you still love that Serena and Lily sling when it's covered with God-knows-what and has a crying baby in it?
I had to post this after just seeing it online- this is EXACTLY how I feel about having a baby from my favorite author, Elizabeth Gilbert:
"Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit."
Years ago, weren't hope chests all the rage? Women (and their mothers) would gather, collect and store items in "Hope Chests" for their future marriage and family. This included baby items. I don't think there is anything wrong with buying a few (not an entire baby's room worth) items to keep for "some day."
Buy the sling! :) …and a stylish hope chest!
i'm only 23 and marriage and children are way off for me. but everytime i see this sling {HUGE serena and lily fan}, i have the same reaction as you. i've actually come close to ordering it. it's just soooooooooo gorgeous!!
Oh my, great post. I got pregnant 2 months after being married, yikes. Birth control did not work for me. It definitely threw us for a loop but 5 years later I am good and couldn't imagine it any other way. Oh, and I would have so bought that sling. It would be perfect. we are "done" having children and I even considered it just incase, ha!
It's a choice, not a feeling. We chose no and my life feels wonderful and complete. I don't think I've missed anything.
i agree with a lot of the other posters. you are never truly *ready*. and by the way, you can always find that sling on ebay when you do decide you are ready. best wishes to you!
Erin – I was just looking at this for my sister who has a new baby (and adorable nursery), and realized you were writing about the McPherson twins, whom I know from Louisville where I grew up. Their blogs are fabulous!